Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a time for love and romance, but for me, it is just another day in the kitchen. My husband insists that I cook for him at home instead of going out or doing anything special. He even calls Valentine’s Day “evil” and refuses to acknowledge it. I have tried explaining that it means a lot to me, but he will not budge. I feel unappreciated and stuck in a relationship that lacks romance. How can I make him see my side without forcing him into something he does not believe in?
Dear Sarah
It is understandable to feel frustrated and unappreciated when your husband dismisses something that means a lot to you. Valentine’s Day is often considered a celebration of love and romance; when your partner refuses to acknowledge it, it can feel like a rejection of your emotional needs. Instead of focusing solely on the day itself, let us explore the deeper issues at play and find ways to reintroduce romance into your marriage without pressuring him into something he fundamentally disagrees with.
First, try to understand why your husband sees Valentine’s Day as "evil." Does he believe it is overly commercialised? Does he view it as societal pressure to conform? Perhaps he has personal or religious beliefs that make him uncomfortable with the holiday. Rather than debating the significance of the day itself, have an open conversation where you genuinely listen to his reasoning. The goal is not to change his beliefs but to understand his perspective so you can find common ground.
Many conflicts in relationships arise when one partner feels dismissed or unheard. If you have already expressed that Valentine’s Day is important to you and he remains uninterested, try a different approach. Instead of saying, “I want us to celebrate Valentine’s Day,” shift the focus to your emotional needs.
You might say something like, "I love feeling special and appreciated, and I would love to have moments where we celebrate our love in small ways. It does not have to be on Valentine’s Day, but I would love for us to make time for romance together." By framing it this way, you take the pressure off February 14 and instead emphasise your need for affection and effort in the relationship.
If your husband is firmly against celebrating Valentine’s Day, consider ways to cultivate romance in your marriage on other days. Romance should not be confined to one special occasion; it should be an integral part of everyday life. Instead of focusing on one grand gesture, aim for smaller, meaningful moments.
You could plan a surprise date night on a random day and create a special evening for just the two of you. This could include a candlelit dinner at home, a picnic under the stars, or a drive to your favourite spot. Writing him a heartfelt love letter can also serve as a way to express your emotions for him to reflect on privately.
Think about establishing a tradition that holds meaning for both of you. If he dislikes Valentine’s Day, perhaps you can create your tradition, such as a monthly date night, a weekend getaway, or an appreciation day where you each do something thoughtful for one another. Sometimes, people appreciate gestures that align with their personal preferences.
The feeling of being “stuck in a relationship that lacks romance” suggests that this issue extends beyond Valentine’s Day. If your husband consistently dismisses your needs, this is worth discussing. A healthy relationship requires compromise, and both partners should feel valued.
Reflect on whether he makes an effort to show love in other ways. Is romance lacking only on Valentine’s Day, or is it absent throughout the year? Consider whether he tends to dismiss your feelings concerning other important matters, too.
If the lack of romance is a recurring issue, have an honest conversation about your emotional needs. Let him know that feeling cherished and appreciated is significant to you, not just on Valentine’s Day, but all year long. If he is unwilling to meet you halfway, it may indicate that deeper issues in the relationship need to be addressed.
In relationships, mutual respect, understanding, and effort are essential. While your husband may never embrace Valentine’s Day, he can still demonstrate love in other ways. The key is to communicate your needs without framing them around the date itself. Instead of urging him to celebrate Valentine’s Day, ask him to celebrate you and your relationship in ways that feel meaningful.
If the ongoing lack of romance continues to make you feel unappreciated, consider seeking couples counselling to navigate this challenge together. Sometimes, an outside perspective can help both partners understand each other better.
READER ADVICE
Make everyday romantic - Phoebe Miriam. You can revive the romance without embracing Valentine’s Day. Every day, you can choose to date each other and engage in the activities you once loved together. Do not be rigid; explore various ways to rejuvenate your romance and enjoy nice moments.
Do not be selfish - Akim Muhwezi. Love in a relationship should be consistent. Why wait for special occasions to show or receive love? Are you suggesting that everything will be fine after Valentine’s Day, or will things revert to how they always have been? What if doing what he wants; cooking at home and spending quality time together, is what he needs right now? The issue often lies in women focusing only on their own needs.
You saw warning signs - Melody Bwambale. You noticed the warning signs before marriage but were blinded by your desire to get married. Now, you must sleep in the bed you made.
Learn to sacrifice - Martin Ssebyala. If you are married,as you claim,then you should understand that marriage involves sacrifices. Celebrating Valentine’s Day is just one small aspect of marriage. If you want to feel special and appreciated, create your own Valentine’s Day every day and celebrate your love daily.
At least he stays home - Musa Kibirige Sebunya. People have serious problems, not this nonsense. What if he starts believing in it and spends time with someone else? But he chose to stay home and spend time with you. Does this not mean anything to you?
Explore other issues - Dr James Nakabaale. This might not just be about Valentine’s Day. Do you feel unappreciated in general? If so, address the deeper issue. Explain that while you respect his beliefs, you still need romance and appreciation. It is not about forcing him; it is about finding ways to express the love that works for both of you.
Show him love - Margaret Matovu. Men can be set in their ways. Instead of forcing him to celebrate Valentine’s Day,talk about how small gestures of love make you feel valued. A simple love note, a hug, or an occasional surprise; matter more than a holiday. Help him see love through your eyes.
Suggest date night - Daniel Mukasa. Not everyone loves Valentine’s Day, and that is okay. Instead of pushing for February 14, why not suggest a ‘just-because’ date night on another day? If he is resistant to the holiday itself, he might be more open to romance when it is not attached to something he disagrees with.
Hold him accountable - Emily Woods. He may not believe in the holiday, but he should believe in making you feel loved. Sometimes, actions speak louder than words.
