My wife has abandoned our marital bed

Dear Heart2Heart, my wife and I have been together for some time now and we have a child together. However, of late, her behaviour has changed. She no longer sleeps in our bed but in the sitting room, she does not like to get intimate yet when we do, I find myself on treatment for STIs. Mind you, even through all this, I have never been tempted to cheat on her. I love my wife but I do not think she is faithful or in this marriage for the long-term. What should I do? Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

What you are describing sounds like fluctuating sexual desire for your partner. This is usually common in long-term relationships, especially after the honeymoon period when other things including children, school, and work might become the focus.

However, there are other issues that might cause low libido and this could include stress, hormonal imbalance and sickness such as STIs like you mentioned. It could be possible that this is one of the limitations. The best option is to approach this from a neutral place other than your bedroom where you are both exposed and vulnerable. Find a safe place where you can be alone and uninterrupted.

Make every effort to express yourself without any suggestion of blame. While it is important to share your worries, do so within the context of the relationship rather than asserting how “you” are causing “me” to worry. That is where worry turns to blame.

In case your partner shuts down or is reluctant to discuss the issue, take charge but avoid taking things personally. In the end, this is not about you failing your partner or your partner failing you. It is simply that you both need to take ownership of the problem as a couple.

By taking the lead, and suggesting counselling if needed, you can bring the issue into the light and use the process to strengthen, rather than hurt, the relationship. If your partner is able to pinpoint a problem (such as stress at work or feeling tired all the time), work together to find a solution. Focus on incremental change, and seek medical help if needed. It is also okay to suggest therapy as this can be great for teaching stress management skills and may help identify what could be causing this.

Reader advice

Talk to your wife

Joseph Matovu. Every marriage goes through challenges. However, the foundation of a healthy marriage is one where you can talk about things that are uncomfortable and stay honest, nonjudgmental, connected, and vulnerable. Please sit down with your wife and honestly talk about what is going on.

Make her fall in love

John Serwadda. Find something that is emotionally meaningful for the two of you. If she truly loved you once, then no matter the distance, you can easily make your wife fall in love with you again, if you are sincere about your feelings for her.

Make her your priority

Joan Woods. Most men are terrible listeners. They blame it on work and how they just want to unload by watching a game or just news; however, truth be told, it is all about priorities. Maybe your wife tried to talk and because you were not listening, she also withdrew. Make her your priority again.

Talk candidly

Dena Mulandi. It is your duty as a husband to make your wife feel loved and attractive. I am sure you have accused her of infecting you with STIs without first having an honest talk about it. Sit your wife down and ask her why she took that drastic decision. An honest conversation will determine the way forward.

Be her comfort zone

Martin Juma. No matter how independent your wife is or how much she tries to show that she can tackle the world on her own, the truth is she is looking for a shoulder to cry on and feel comforted and safe. A home usually is not a place; generally, it is a person. Make your bedroom a home for your wife and you will see her change.

Ask for the truth

Evelyn Namakula.  Ask her if she is still interested in this union so that you sit and resolve issues together as a couple. It is so hard to deal with an unfaithful partner during this era of STDs, including HIV/Aids. It is sad to think that she might be cheating on you with someone else but if this is the truth, then you need to end the marriage. Your life is more important.

Are you blameless?

Faida Ismail. Maybe she just needs time alone because of what you have done. You only give us one side of the story and in a marriage, it is hard to blame only one side. Take responsibility of your own misgivings and work towards finding a solution to this problem together with your wife.

Communicate

Martin Ssebyala. Her actions are a sign of a breakdown in communication between the two of you. Talk to your wife.

Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, Counselling psychologist