I am a 40-year-old man who feels like he is slowly losing his wife to religion. We have been married for 12 years, but over the last three, she has become extremely devoted to her church. At first, I admired her faith, but now it is affecting our relationship. She spends almost every evening at overnight prayers or choir practice. On weekends, she is either fasting, attending deliverance sessions, or travelling for “missions.” I have tried to talk to her about spending more time together, but she says I am trying to interfere with her walk with God. Intimacy has become rare, and even the children complain that they hardly see their mother. I feel lonely and unwanted in my own home. I do not want to be the man who competes with Jesus for his wife’s attention. Is this normal? How do I save my marriage without appearing like the enemy?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous, It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time, and it is completely understandable that you feel lonely and neglected. While your wife’s deep devotion to her religion may offer her personal structure and meaning, it seems to have created an imbalance in your marriage. It is heartbreaking when something as meaningful as church ends up overshadowing the relationship and family life. Your feelings of hurt and isolation are valid. To navigate this situation, it is important to approach the matter with empathy and a willingness to understand her perspective. Begin by showing that you respect her beliefs and her relationship with God. This does not mean you must agree with everything she does, but acknowledging that her faith is meaningful to her helps create a safe space for open dialogue.
For instance, you could say, “I know how much your faith means to you, and I truly respect your commitment to God.” This sets a respectful tone and avoids making her feel criticised. After establishing this respect, share how her current level of involvement in church activities affects you and your relationship. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, instead of saying, “You are always at church,” try, “I feel lonely when you are away for long hours, and I miss the time we used to spend together.” Focus on your emotions, not her actions. You might say, “I feel isolated when we do not have our usual weekend time together,” or “I worry about our connection when our family time feels secondary to other obligations.”
These statements open the door to empathy and a more constructive conversation. Once you have expressed your feelings, give her the chance to share hers too. There may be deeper reasons for her increased church involvement, perhaps she finds peace there, or it meets a need she has not fully expressed. She may be going through something emotionally or spiritually and has not yet voiced it. Active listening without interrupting or immediately responding shows her that her feelings matter to you. After both of you have shared your perspectives, work together to find a middle ground. Set aside time to discuss how to support your relationship while still honouring her faith.
This should not be a confrontation, but a collaboration. You might agree on specific times for couple or family activities that do not conflict with church. If you are comfortable, consider occasionally participating in church-related events as a gesture of support. Alternatively, find shared interests or rituals outside religion to help reconnect as a couple. If the divide continues to grow, seeking help from a professional marriage counsellor can make a big difference. A trained counsellor offers a safe space where both of you can talk openly and be guided in healthy communication. Counselling is not about choosing sides, it is about helping you understand one another better and build mutual respect and compromise.
Meanwhile, take care of yourself. Focus on what you can control; your emotional and mental well-being. You may not be able to change your wife’s choices, but you can strengthen your own resilience. Engage in hobbies, exercise, spend time with supportive friends, or pursue activities that bring you joy. This helps reduce stress and keeps you from dwelling solely on the difficulties at home. Finally, remember that change takes time. Religious devotion is deeply personal, and habits rooted in faith can be slow to shift. Be patient, with yourself, with her, and with the process. Progress may be gradual, but with open communication, empathy, and mutual effort, it is possible to restore balance.
Reader advice
Speak to her pastor
Sarah Nakitende. Brother, speak to her pastor or a trusted elder in her church gently, not to attack, but to seek balance. God values family, too. If church activities leave the home broken, something is off. Maybe her leaders can help her see that her first ministry is her marriage.”
Try joining her
James Okello. I almost lost my wife to fellowship marathons. I started joining her sometimes, quietly, no complaints. Over time, she noticed my effort and softened. Now we even pray together. Do not fight her faith. Find a way to meet her there before she forgets why she loves you.
Communicate
Agnes Namayanja. As a woman of faith, I will be honest; your wife is out of balance. A true walk with God does not neglect family. Sit her down when she is not fasting or rushing. Talk like partners, not opponents. If she will not listen, try marriage counselling with a neutral Christian thera-pist.”
Something is wrong
Joyce Akello. Women like your wife think they are chasing God, but they are running from something. Ask her what she is going through. Is she using religion to avoid deeper issues? A marriage without intimacy is dry soil. You need love, not competition. Ask her what she wants your future to look like.
Consider mediation
Charles Sserwadda. Religion should strengthen marriages, not tear them. Sit her down, remind her of your vows, of your children’s needs. If she accuses you of being against her faith, tell her you are not fighting Jesus, you are fighting for your home. If she still won’t budge, consider pastoral media-tion.
Check yourself
Grace Nabirye. Your wife may be finding validation in church because she feels unseen at home. Sometimes women throw themselves into God’s work because they are starving emotionally. Check yourself, too. Are you romantic? Do you appreciate her? Start there. If she is still absent, then she is no longer honouring her role.
Involve church elders
Fred Tumwine. You are not mad. This thing is real. My cousin’s mar-riage ended like this. Talk to the elders on both sides. Let them sit her down. She needs to remember she is a wife and mother before she is a missionary. Do not keep quiet until it is too late. Home is a ministry, too.
Try writing a letter
Rebecca Achieng. If she is unreachable emotionally, try writing her a letter. Pour your heart into it. Sometimes people hear better when they read, not when they argue. Speak of your love, your fears, your loneliness. Then ask her how she sees the marriage. It might awaken her conscience.
Kharono Lufafa Counsellor
