Not tonight honey. Why sex desire in marriage wanes

The women's Chama called me for a special meeting last Saturday. The agenda? Dwindling sex desire in marriages.

"It seems the longer we are in our marriages the less need we feel to be intimate," the chairperson said in introducing the topic, "The older women seem to be living in sexless marriages," she revealed.

"And it is not just our members who have lost desire," shouted a member from the audience, "our husbands are equally turning their backs on us." There were loud murmurs from the audience, prompting the chairperson to call for an order.

"If we do not get an immediate solution we may be headed for divorce," the deputy chairperson shouted.

Changes in desire
I took to the podium to shed light on what I have considered an important topic over the years: how desire changes in long-term relationships and what couples need to do to keep the fire burning. Unless checked, intimacy tends to fall over the years. The main cause of this is the deterioration in what keeps the desire high in both men and women.

For men, desire is kept high by frequent intercourse, orgasm, and the ability to please their wives. As marriage advances, and with all the ups and downs of life, it may not always be possible to get down.

Neither is it always possible for a man to please their wives. You may have heard men complain that it is difficult to please a woman. When they realise that their attempt at pleasing the woman is not bearing fruit, most men tend to withdraw and become aloof.

Libido and women
But sex desire in women is more complex. Women need intimacy, emotional closeness, love, and feeling sexually desirable for their libido to remain high. Intimacy implies familiarity and friendship with your spouse. Emotional closeness means having deep and affectionate feelings for your spouse.

As a marriage matures over the years, most women feel disconnected emotionally from their men. The friendship between the partners becomes difficult to maintain in most relationships. Further, most women stop feeling sexually desirable, especially as they get into motherhood with multiple changes in their physical appearance. Her passion wanes.

"Give us some tips on how to stop this," the chairperson interrupted.

The one thing that has been found to help in countering waning desire is couple intimacy meetings. These events provide couples the much-needed opportunity to reflect and arrest deteriorating intimacy. Being part of a group that is trying to get solutions to intimacy removes the roadblocks that couples have when they have to deal with these issues on their own in the confines of their bedrooms.

How to get the groove back
Secondly, couples need to proactively pursue positive experiences in their relationships. This includes the pursuit of fun, relationship growth, and joint personal development. A relationship that is not founded on positive attributes is bound to hit obstacles and escalating conflicts that only serve to kill the fire. As much as possible couples should limit negative emotions and aim to inject positive energy into their relationships. These positive approaches are known to fuel sex desire.

Then comes the age-old issue of communication. Skillful communication is the glue that binds a couple together. Be conscious of the power of words. Negative and hurtful words are a killer of the relationship. Encouraging and appreciative language is what you need to melt any walls between you and your spouse. Commit to saying something positive to your spouse each day and you will be amazed at the reciprocal effect including a spike in sexual desire.

Finally, there are things you must avoid that do not add value in enhancing the spark. Some women have sex as a duty. When they have no passion, they give their bodies to be used by their spouses; they feel no pleasure, sometimes they feel pain. They endure the act to avoid problems because they are aware of the value of sex in marriage. Some women even fake orgasm to please the man. These are not sustainable strategies and can worsen your situation over time.

Chama members remained quiet throughout my talk, rather unusual behaviour from a group that loves to heckle during such talks. The topic must have been a difficult one for them and they must have been reflecting on the status of their relationships.