
Take time to hang out and relive some memories. Photo/FreePik
Karen is a mother of four. It is holiday time, and you would think she is enjoying time with her adolescent children, but wait until she tells you, “I am stressed out. The father of these children is away grinding away in some Asian country, so I have to play the double role of being a mother and father at the same time. I have managed well for years, but frankly, it gets to my head sometimes, like right now!”
Parents such as Karen may suffer burnout if they do not care for themselves but the guilt of leaving their children binds them in the rut of continuously projecting the image of “being there for my children.” However, self-care is not selfish but necessary. Taking care of yourself as a parent is important because it helps you be a better parent and have a healthier, happier life. It also enables you to model healthy coping strategies for your children.
So how do you go about taking care of yourself? Here are some ideas:
Eat well
Eating well as a parent means maintaining a healthy weight, having a variety of nutrients, and enjoying food. It may mean eating a healthy diet with lots of vegetables, fruits, and healthy fats.
Also, avoid big meals and sugary foods before bed. This can help you be a better role model for your children and help them develop healthy eating habits. Eating well can improve your mood and long-term mental health as well as improve your focus and memory, strengthening your bones and teeth and reducing the risk of developing chronic diseases such as heart disease, diabetes, and obesity.
Sleep well
Getting good-quality sleep on a regular schedule is important. It is recommended that an adult between 18 and 64 years gets seven to nine hours of sleep. This may mean rescheduling some activities in your daily routine to obtain this. It may mean going to bed early.
It may mean turning off screens at least 30 minutes before bed. It may mean avoiding caffeine and alcohol in the afternoon and evening and limiting alcohol to moderation.
It may also mean creating a good sleep environment to keep your bedroom quiet, dark, and at a comfortable temperature. It can also mean improving your mattress, pillow, and bedding if they are old.
Physical exercise
Physical activity may be difficult for parents especially mothers of young children but the benefits of it are incalculable if one sets time apart to engage themselves. When choosing the type of physical exercise for yourself, you can consider factors such as your goals, fitness level, body composition, flexibility, and others. You could piggybank on times when the children are asleep or in school to use for your physical exercise routines.
Connect with others
Set aside time for yourself and meet up with friends, family, or a support group; fraternities or sororities exist for this very reason. They are essential for coming together for purposes of connection and community.
Find one where you can be engaged; it could be an Old Boys or Old Girls club, a church fellowship, or a Muslim brotherhood. Whatever can get you to disengage from family for a while and productively so should be welcome.
Be kind to yourself
Some parents carry the burden of unnecessary guilt and shame because of their parenting styles and actions (or inactions). They can end up stressed, depressed, and debilitated. But being kind to yourself as a parent, or practising self-compassion, can help you feel happier, and healthier, reduce anxiety and depression, improve your ability to cope with everyday life, boosts your self-esteem, and help you build stronger relationships so you can give your best to your children.
And how do you do this? Practice gratitude (focus on what you have instead of what you do not have), acknowledge your feelings (it is okay to feel a range of emotions), forgive yourself (let go of negative feelings and move on), be aware of your needs (recognise when you need to take a break), and speak kindly to yourself (treat yourself with the same warmth and understanding you would give to a friend or child).
Schedule “me time”
You must carve out time in the day, week, or month for yourself. At the end of the day, you can only give to your children what you have.
Hilda, a mother of two explains,” I used to be so heavily invested in my children (not that I am not now) that I did not give myself any time at all. I soon realised that there was no snowball chance in hell that I was going to be useful to them if I was always irritable, tired, angry, and just short-fused. It was then that I decided I needed to change course and take care of myself.
Now my “toxic trait” is dedicating time to activities that I enjoy such as watching movies, taking walks, and reading a book. This enables me to recharge myself emotionally and psychologically and this enables me to be mentally balanced and fit to care for my children.”
Set boundaries
As a parent, you need to set boundaries of what you can or cannot do. It is important for both your psychological and physiological health. Ms Baguma, a mother of two and an administrator at a busy organisation here in town explains, “There is the temptation to want to be the “super mum.” You want to be there for all your child’s activities and others that may require you but the truth is that you are human and limited.
So, over time, I have learnt to: a) make peace with myself and say “no” where necessary and decline taking on extra responsibilities that may end up overwhelming me. I have learnt that taking on all sorts of tasks with little to no rest can potentially break you and leave you unfit to meet the emotional needs of your children and b) admit and ask for help where I feel incompetent or busy.”
Keep your personal goals alive
Being a parent does not mean that you shelve completely your plans for career development. Yes, you could shelve them for a while in the stage when you are having children or when children are still very young but as soon as you get the time, invest in yourself.
Salma, a working mother says, “Being a working mother has enabled me to appreciate that it is important to stay invested in my professional development as this not only sets an example for my children but also enables me to feel fulfilled and complete. I have had to find ways to adapt and pursue my goals alongside raising a family, tough as it is but there is no other way if I want to take care of myself.”
Spiritual nourishment
You cannot claim to be taking care of yourself if you are not taking care of your spiritual life. No one can do this got you no matter how much they love you. Just like we need to eat daily to stay physically healthy, we need to nourish ourselves to stay spiritually healthy. The spiritual gives perspective to the natural for those of us who are other-worldly focused.
As a parent, therefore, if you eat and sleep well, exercise your body, connect with other people, be kind to yourself, schedule personal time with yourself, set boundaries, keep your personal goals alive, and spiritually nourish yourself, I believe that you will have taken good care of yourself and have enough mental and physical resources to give back to your children.