One of the healthiest ways to address doubts is through open communication. Though it may feel intimidating to bring up sensitive topics, using open, non-accusatory language can make a big difference. PHOTO/SHUTTERSTOCK.
Retroactive jealousy is a common yet often misunderstood issue in relationships. This form of jealousy arises when one partner becomes fixated on their partner’s past relationships.
It is a result of insecurities, fear of inadequacy, or a lack of trust. It may manifest as intrusive thoughts, constant comparisons to past partners, or an obsessive desire to know about your partner’s history.
While some people can navigate their feelings independently, others find themselves trapped in a cycle of negative emotions that strain the relationship.
While this form of jealousy does not stem from current events, its impact can be profoundly damaging if left unchecked.
“This form of jealousy stems from insecurities and fears of not being enough for your partner. It is rooted in low self-esteem or unresolved issues from past relationships,” says Betty Namuli, a relationship counsellor.
Understanding the origin of retroactive jealousy is the first step to overcoming it. Peter Kasujja, a psychologist, recommends asking yourself why you feel threatened by your partner’s past. Is it insecurity about your worth, fear of being compared, or unresolved trauma from your own experiences?
Journaling and meditation can help individuals explore these questions and identify underlying triggers.
Obsessing over the past
Constantly bringing up your partner’s history only fuels jealousy. Instead, focus on the present and the qualities that make your relationship special.
“Your partner chose you for a reason,” Namuli emphasises. “Remind yourself of the love and connection you share now. Are they loyal, caring, and committed? If so, let their current behaviour reassure you instead of allowing past relationships to overshadow your connection. "
Communication
Expressing feelings of jealousy is important but how you communicate matters. Avoid accusatory language or interrogative behaviour. For instance, instead of asking, “Why did you do that with your ex?” you could say, “I feel insecure when I think about your past. Can we talk about this?”
Healthy communication allows partners to address concerns without feeling attacked or judged. At the same time, remember to listen actively to your partner. They might have a different perspective or be unaware of how their past affects you. Creating an open dialogue can help both of you navigate the issue collaboratively.
Set boundaries together
If certain topics or actions trigger retroactive jealousy, discuss them with your partner and agree on boundaries.
“For example, if seeing old photos of an ex bothers you, ask your partner if they are willing to remove or store them privately,” says Kasujja.
Boundaries are not about controlling your partner but creating a safe environment for both individuals in the relationship.
Build self-confidence
Low self-esteem often amplifies retroactive jealousy. Investing in your personal growth can help you feel more secure in your relationship. Focus on your strengths, pursue your passions, set personal goals and surround yourself with supportive friends.
"The more secure and confident you feel within yourself, the less power jealousy will have over you,” Namuli explains.
When to seek professional help
For some individuals, retroactive jealousy becomes overwhelming and difficult to manage alone. In such cases, therapy can be transformative. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), for instance, helps individuals reframe negative thoughts and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
“Therapy helped me realign that my feelings were valid but not productive in my relationship,” Jane Nankanga, a mother of two shares. “Through counselling, I learnt to focus on the love I have now in my relationship instead of dwelling on what I could not change.”
In Uganda, counselling services are now accessible, both in-person and online. Organisations such as StrongMinds Uganda and Safe Places Uganda offer mental health support, making therapy a viable option for couples and individuals facing challenges like retroactive jealousy.
A shared journey
Retroactive jealousy is not insurmountable, but it requires effort, patience, and mutual understanding. For Andrew Katunguka and Jane Nankanga, addressing the issue together strengthened their relationship. “I learnt to be patient with her feelings,” Andrew says. “And she learnt to trust me and let go of the past.”
Jane had also struggled with retroactive jealousy because Andrew had previously dated someone she knew. Instead of letting her fears fester, she sought professional counselling to understand her feelings. Through therapy, she realised that her jealousy stemmed from her fear of not measuring up to Andrew's expectations. This revelation helped her take control of her emotions.
Retroactive jealousy can be a challenging issue, but it does not have to define your relationship. By understanding its root causes, communicating openly, focusing on the present, and seeking help when necessary, you can overcome these feelings and strengthen your bond.
As Namuli emphasises, “A relationship is about building a future together, not being weighed down by the past. With patience and effort, retroactive jealousy can become a stepping stone to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.”
Forgiveness is key to overcoming retroactive jealousy. This does not mean ignoring your feelings but rather choosing to let go of resentment and focus on the love and connection you share with your partner. Accepting that everyone has a past is a sign of emotional maturity and a step toward building a stronger relationship.
HELP THE RELATIONSHIP THRIVE
According to healthline.com, relationships involve some level of uncertainty and risk. Yours might end, and you might not be able to prevent that. Accepting this possibility can feel scary, it is true. But the alternative usually involves anxiety and doubt. Constantly wondering what led to the downfall of their past relationships or worrying your partner might move on to someone else takes a lot of energy. This can keep you from enjoying your time together. Focus on the things going well in your relationship instead. Do what you can to nurture them and increase togetherness.
