She was born at night but not last night

In 2015, musician Bobi Wine released a song aptly titled Wesotinge or ‘Please sort yourself’ off the Ayagala Mulasi Album.  A hit then, the song still carries meaning today.  

Perceived as a dig towards another musician who had,  earlier, released a song lamenting about lost love,  Bobi Wine asks men to man up.

One of the lines in the song, sang predominantly in Luganda, a local dialect, implores a man to ‘ take time and talk to their woman if she has decided to leave since if you do not, even the next one you get will leave because of the same (unresolved) issues.’

I believe this advice still makes sense today. In most cases, a relationship can be saved through proper communication.  Talking it out will give each partner a chance to say what they think is wrong with the relationship and what can be done to make it work. It also gives one a chance to apologise if they are at fault. Although forgiveness can save a relationship, it is also good to remember that even after talking it out, a couple might just decide to call it quits. This will be hard and painful but the right thing to do.

Jeff and Juliana for example were the perfect couple.  To many, they seemed honest, respectful, loyal, forgiving and humble.  For the first three years of their marriage, they could barely keep their hands off each other, even in public.

Then it all started falling apart having entered the ‘convenient marriage’ phase which often comprises a lack of warmth between couples.

At this time, they had stopped communicating,  a fundamental part of any healthy relationship.  Even when they would try to talk to each other, the conversation would quickly turn into insults with each talking over the other. Half the time, these arguments went unresolved because neither of them wanted to concede defeat.

Signs of disconnection

Suddenly, the public display of affection disappeared. Even at home, there was  less cuddling or kissing  plus miles of distance between them in bed, a sign of disconnection. 

Studies show that sexual intimacy marks your relationship as different from what you share with coworkers, friends, and neighbours.

“Sex, kissing, hugging and holding hands are the components that classify you both as a ‘couple’,” a study published on marriage.com suggests.

Otherwise, if you are not touching, then you are simply living as roommates and that is what these two had become.  Sometimes, they would break up in the morning, only for Jeff to return home in the evening with the suitcase he had parked.  These signs were compounded by some secrets that Jeff seemed to be keeping.

It was his problem that they had come to this and, according to Juliana, although she tried to make it work, he seemed not interested.  Calls to meet parents and counsellors seemed to fall on deaf ears.

She claims there were a string of girls who harassed her with calls and numerous lewd messages.  She had in turn asked that Jeff talks to them or if he actually was having extra marital affairs, carry them out discreetly.  And that is when he would lose it. 

Then, he would remember to argue about something totally unrelated, such as the blue dress she wore on Monday or the unappetising omelette she had made him on Christmas Day.

By the time it dawned on him that he was probably not treating her right, she had already left.

According to Bobi, ‘we sometimes see these women as children, but the moment they leave you, you will definitely be the child in all this.’

In other words, even when she chooses to keep quiet about something you have done and refused to apologise, she is not a fool. She might act it, but she is definitely not.

This is just a polite reminder before you get entangled in some unforgivable mess.