The key to better communication

In many relationships—whether between parents and children, spouses, or colleagues—one of the most common complaints is that we “don’t feel heard.” This is not just about the physical act of hearing, but rather about being truly understood. Interestingly, in many languages, the words for “hearing” and “understanding” are often interchangeable. In my culture , an obstinate person is described as one who "does not hear," a phrase that can be ascribed to someone who refuses to listen or comprehend, much as describing a person as “deaf.”

This disconnect between what we say and how it is received is at the heart of many conflicts. But why does this happen? Dr Anthony F. Gregorc offers a fascinating insight into this issue with his research on perception. According to Gregorc, the way we perceive the world is deeply ingrained and shapes not just what we think, but how we make decisions, prioritize what's important, and ultimately, how we communicate. Understanding these differences can go a long way toward improving how we connect with others.

Concrete vs. Abstract Perceptions

Dr Gregorc suggests that each of us has two main perceptual styles: concrete and abstract. These styles dictate how we process the information we take in and how we communicate it.

• Concrete perceivers tend to focus on the tangible, physical world. They rely on their five senses—what they can see, hear, touch, smell, and taste—and expect clear, direct communication. For example, a concrete perceiving wife may not understand why her husband is not asking for a glass of water or a quiet room when he comes home tired; it seems obvious to her. She expects him to articulate what he needs, rather than imagining what might make him feel better.

• Abstract perceivers, on the other hand, are more intuitive and tend to think in broader, conceptual terms. They visualize and imagine things without necessarily verbalizing them. An abstract perceiving wife might anticipate her husband's needs, such as a cool drink or a quiet space, without him needing to express them explicitly.

While most of us possess a mix of both qualities, there is a general trend that men are more practical and concrete in their thinking, while women tend to be more abstract. 

This can lead to misunderstandings, particularly when one partner expects the other to read between the lines. For instance, instead of lamenting that there’s “nothing to wear” when the wardrobe is overflowing, a concrete thinking husband may simply appreciate a clear, direct statement like, "I need a new dress, and it costs 200k." It saves time and avoids unnecessary frustration.

Sequential vs. Random Ordering

Another layer to Dr Gregorc’s theory is ordering—the way we organise and apply the information we perceive. People typically process information either sequentially or randomly, and this distinction can play a significant role in how we approach tasks and interact with others.

• Sequential thinkers prefer structure, routine, and order. They tend to be methodical in their approach, organizing everything step-by-step. However, they often struggle with procrastination, waiting for things to fall into place before acting. A wife who prepares Sunday lunch at 6 p.m. when everyone is starving might be a sequential thinker, believing that mealtime is an experience that needs to be carefully planned.

• Random thinkers, on the other hand, tend to jump into tasks without worrying too much about structure. While they may be labeled as disorganized, they often get things done faster, even if their approach is unorthodox. A random thinker might start eating before finishing all the preparations, not stressing about following a particular order.

These differences in ordering often lead to tension, especially in relationships where one person expects a structured, step-by-step approach and the other operates on the fly. A partner who takes a random approach to tasks may feel stifled by the rigidity of a sequential thinker, while the latter may view their counterpart as inefficient or chaotic.

The Power of Understanding

While Dr Gregorc’s model is not perfect—after all, human beings are complex and multifaceted—it provides valuable insights into the root causes of many communication problems. We cannot simply categorise people into neat boxes, but recognising that we all perceive the world through different lenses can help us understand why we sometimes fail to communicate effectively.

Take a moment to consider this; the next time you feel unheard or misunderstood, ask yourself whether the person you are speaking to has a different perceptual style. Maybe they are concrete when you are abstract, or perhaps they process information in a different order. Once you understand these differences, you might find that communication becomes much smoother.

In the end, the goal should be mutual understanding. By acknowledging that our perceptual styles shape how we interact, we can be more patient, empathetic, and open to each other’s perspectives. 

Whether in a marriage, at work, or in any relationship, taking the time to understand how someone else perceives the world can foster greater connection, reduce conflict, and ultimately lead to more fulfilling and harmonious lives.