Breakup rate. Couples who argue effectively are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who sweep difficult issues under the carpet, according to a survey of almost 1,000 adults. PHOTO | SHUTTER STOCK
While fighting is often seen as a negative aspect of relationships, it can also serve as an opportunity for growth if handled properly. Understanding the common reasons why couples fight can help strengthen relationships and foster better communication.
Chore wars
Ruth and Christopher Katana, married for 39 years, still share household chores. Christopher notes that, despite societal expectations of gender roles, he does not want his wife to shoulder the burden of housework alone. “I can cook, wash clothes, sweep, and clean the house. I have never made Ruth fetch water,” he says. Their teamwork in sharing duties has helped reduce the burden for both of them.
However, many couples struggle with the unequal distribution of household tasks. When one partner feels overburdened, resentment builds. Studies show that unequal domestic labour is one of the leading causes of conflict in modern relationships.
Counselling psychologist Evelyn Khorono Lufafa recommends that couples have open discussions about expectations and responsibilities. Sharing the load and appreciating each other’s efforts can go a long way in minimising tension.
Money
Financial disagreements are another common source of arguments in relationships. Solanji Tusiime and Don Willington Mugabe, who have been married since 2022, prioritise communication about finances.
“We have a joint savings account and discuss how much we want to save each month. This has saved us from many conflicts,” Tusiime explains.
Conflicts over finances can stem from differences in spending habits, saving strategies, or financial priorities. One partner may be cautious with money, while the other prefers to indulge in luxuries.
Disputes over joint accounts, household budgets, and financial support for extended family can further strain relationships. To avoid such issues, it is essential for couples to have open conversations about money management and shared financial goals.
Poor communication
Miscommunication or a lack of effective communication often leads to misunderstandings and unnecessary conflicts. Some partners may struggle to express their emotions, while others may feel unheard or invalidated. As frustrations build up, they can escalate into heated arguments over minor issues.
Mugabe emphasises the importance of apologising and communicating effectively. “When there is an issue, I send her a text to communicate. We delete the messages once we have resolved the problem,” he says.
Active listening, honest speech, and creating a safe space for open dialogue are key to reducing friction and strengthening emotional connections.
Intimacy and affection
Physical and emotional intimacy play an essential role in maintaining a healthy relationship.
When couples experience mismatched desires or feel a lack of affection, it can lead to insecurity, frustration, and emotional distance.
Busy schedules, stress, and personal insecurities can contribute to this decline. Recognising each other’s needs and prioritising time for emotional and physical connection can help restore intimacy.
Jealousy and trust issues
Jealousy and trust issues are another major source of tension. Whether rooted in past experiences, insecurities, or external influences, feelings of distrust can result in controlling behaviours, accusations, and emotional distress.
Lufafa stresses the importance of addressing insecurities and working to build trust through transparency and reassurance.
External influences
Conflicts can also arise due to differing views on how to interact with family and friends. Disagreements about child discipline, in-laws, or social circles can create tension. Balancing personal relationships while prioritizing a romantic partnership requires mutual understanding and healthy boundaries.
Divergent dreams
As individuals grow, their dreams and aspirations may change, sometimes causing friction between partners. Whether it is differing views on career paths, relocation, or starting a family, such conflicts can lead to frustration. Open discussions, finding compromises, and supporting each other’s ambitions can help navigate these challenges.
Lufafa advises, “Compromise does not always mean meeting in the middle, but respecting each other’s dreams. Sometimes, therapy can help bridge the gap.”
Making it work
Healthy communication, patience, and understanding each other’s perspectives are essential tools for resolving disputes and deepening connections.
Rather than focusing on proving your point, aim to understand your partner’s perspective. When both partners feel heard, resolving the conflict becomes easier. Not every disagreement needs to be “won.”
Consider whether the issue is worth damaging your connection over, and remember that some battles are better left unresolved.
Stay calm, respectful
Heated arguments often lead to hurtful words that cannot be taken back. Keeping your tone calm, avoiding insults, and taking a breather if needed can prevent the discussion from turning destructive. Respectful communication keeps the conversation productive.
Compromise
If you are wrong, own up to it. A sincere apology can diffuse tension and show your partner that their feelings matter. Tusiime emphasises, “Winning in a relationship is not about getting your way. It is about finding middle ground where both partners feel satisfied.”
Making it work
Healthy communication, patience, and understanding each other’s perspectives are essential tools for resolving disputes and deepening connections.
Rather than focusing on proving your point, aim to understand your partner’s perspective. When both partners feel heard, resolving the conflict becomes easier. Not every disagreement needs to be “won.”
Consider whether the issue is worth damaging your connection over, and remember that some battles are better left unresolved.
Stay calm, respectful
Heated arguments often lead to hurtful words that cannot be taken back. Keeping your tone calm, avoiding insults, and taking a breather if needed can prevent the discussion from turning destructive. Respectful communication keeps the conversation productive.
Compromise
If you are wrong, own up to it. A sincere apology can diffuse tension and show your partner that their feelings matter. Tusiime emphasises, “Winning in a relationship is not about getting your way. It is about finding middle ground where both partners feel satisfied.”
