Dear Janet, The situation you are dealing with is an age-old one, often involving two women and one man caught in between: a mother and a wife. It becomes even more complex when the son appears to side with his mother against his wife.
The need to separate the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law for the sake of family stability is so critical that, from the very beginning, the Bible speaks of it. In Genesis, we are told that a man shall leave his father and mother and be united with his wife.
It was clear even then that bringing in-laws too close can create tension that robs a marriage of its peace. However, be assured that this situation does not have to break your marriage apart. It will require some of the best “social engineering” skills you have ever used, as well as patience and resilience on your part.
Let us first examine the real dynamics at play here. Emotions, many of them, are involved. Your mother-in-law’s behaviour may be aimed at undermining you, trying to show she has more control over your husband than you do.
Could it be, without realising it, that you are playing the same game, trying to assert your power, and dragging your husband into siding with you against his mother?
The tactics, criticism, emotional manipulation, and hurtful remarks are all ways of asserting dominance, and such games are emotionally exhausting. They do not give you real control. Becoming aware of this pattern is the first step in finding effective ways to handle the situation.
Now ask yourself: can you choose not to respond the way your mother-in-law expects you to? If she throws criticism your way, she aims to get you angry or upset.
Recognising this tactic gives you the chance to decide not to react emotionally. After all, you cannot change who she is, but you can control how you respond. This is where your power lies. Manage your reaction. Doing so requires thinking things through and staying calm. The more intentional you are, the more in control you become, and the less her provocations will affect you.
Secondly, trying to pull your husband over to your side is not working. While it is understandable to expect his support, situations such as this can be very confusing for men. A mother’s influence over her son can be deeply ingrained and hard to untangle.
So, although you may feel like an outsider, you might not be. Friction between two women, each with strong ties to the same man, is often a difficult balancing act, even for the most emotionally intelligent man. This is where your “social engineering” becomes vital.
Rather than trying to win your husband over, seek to control the situation by setting boundaries. For instance, if your mother-in-law is involving herself in private matters, draw the line, firmly but without confrontation. You do not have to listen to or consider her opinions on matters that are yours to decide. You may not be able to stop her from speaking, but you can decide not to be swayed by her words.
Focus on your actions, regardless of what she says. While doing this, try not to exchange harsh words or act provocatively. I also wonder if the lack of intimacy in your marriage is a result of how this situation makes you feel, or if your husband is intentionally neglecting you. If it is about how you feel, resentful, angry, emotionally drained, then again, that is an area where you have control.
Decide that, regardless of her actions, you will keep encouraging a warm, close connection with your husband. It begins with your mindset, thinking ahead of your feelings. It may be difficult at first, but I know many women who have overcome emotional abuse by choosing to use their heads rather than their hearts and have regained control of their lives.
Your mother-in-law will not be around forever, so you must start living your life despite her. If this approach feels difficult, consider seeking help from a professional counsellor, preferably someone experienced in family dynamics and marriage. They can help you build emotional and mental resilience, appreciate the dynamics in your situation, and develop a practical approach to preserving your marriage. Many women have successfully navigated the tricky terrain of in-law conflicts, and so can you.
But you must approach the situation methodically, not just emotionally. Once you take control, you will gain vital social skills that can serve you in other areas of life. You will also start to have more authority over your family affairs. There will be some twists along the way, but stay focused and resilient. You have more control than you may realise.
Prevalence
While exact figures are difficult to determine, research consistently highlights mother-in-law conflicts as a major source of marital stress and dissatisfaction. These tensions are especially common between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law, often ranking among the most challenging in-law relationships.
Studies indicate that conflicts between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are more frequent and intense than those with other family members.
Impact on Women:
Research suggests that more than 60 percent of women experience long-term stress and unhappiness stemming from a strained relationship with their mother-in-law.
It may be difficult at first, but many women have overcome emotional abuse by choosing to use their heads rather than their hearts
Samuel Ssettumba
Counsellor
Reader advice
Give each other space
Phoebe Miriam. From your story, it seems you are stuck in an unfair situation. Sit your husband down and ask for a break so he can reflect on what matters most to him. Step away and give him space to realise your value. Sometimes, distance speaks louder than words. Live your life and let him come to his senses on his own.
Fight for your love
Joseph Kyebayiga. Phoebe Miriam, I respectfully disagree. Walking away should not be the first option. Every marriage faces challenges, but love requires commitment and effort. Instead of leaving, she should try to work things out. True strength is in fighting for your relationship, not quitting. Patience, communication, and understanding can heal wounds and build a stronger foundation in the long run.
Giving in might help
Godlive Ganda. Sometimes letting the other person win is the wiser choice. Not every battle in marriage is worth fighting. Giving in does not mean weakness; it can be a way to keep the peace and maintain harmony. Preserve your energy for what truly matters and allow love to guide your actions. In the end, humility and grace often win hearts.
Pause and reflect
Ronald Ssenkya. Before reacting, take a deep breath and allow yourself time to process everything. Emotions can cloud judgment, so do not act hastily. Calmness helps you approach issues with a clear mind. Think about what you truly want and how best to achieve it. Sometimes peace begins when we pause, reflect, and choose our responses wisely, rather than reacting out of anger.
She is his mother
Harriet Sheryl. She is his mother, and that bond runs deep. Do not expect your husband to always take your side. Instead, be kind and respectful to her, no matter how difficult it is. Pray for her heart to soften and for harmony in your home. One day, you too will be a mother-in-law; plant the seeds of love now for future peace.
Communicate
Angela Namutebi. I feel your pain. I went through a similar situation. The key is communication, but with love. Sit your husband down and express your feelings calmly, without blaming his mother. Suggest setting up private time just for the two of you. If he truly values your marriage, he will see the need for balance. Do not suffer in silence.
Involve a third party
Brian Mugisha. Marriage is sacred, but so is your peace of mind. You are not wrong for wanting boundaries. I suggest involving a neutral elder or counsellor, someone your husband respects. That way, it does not feel like it is just your word against his mother’s. A third voice can often help open blind eyes without causing a fight.
