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Why am I feeling grief after leaving a toxic marriage?

What you need to know:

  • Grief is a natural response. Allow yourself to feel without judgment

After years of enduring a toxic marriage, I finally decided to leave, and my divorce was recently finalised. I truly believed this step would bring me peace, freedom, and a sense of relief, but instead, I feel an overwhelming sense of grief and devastation. I find myself mourning not just the marriage, but also the dreams, time, and energy I invested in something that ultimately caused me pain. Why am I feeling this way, and how do I begin to let go and heal? Josephine. 

Dear Josephine,

The end of a marriage can sometimes feel like a loss, similar to the death of a loved one even if it was a toxic marriage. Divorce grief refers to the emotional pain and mourning that individuals may experience following the end of a marriage. People often need time to adjust and heal from the emotional wounds caused by the separation.

Grieving after divorce is completely natural as it represents the loss of a significant relationship, shared dreams, and a familiar way of life. Divorce grief is a sign of how much the relationship meant to you and the life you built together. It's part of the healing process, and over time, you’ll likely find strength, clarity, and hope for the next chapter of your life. Even if the divorce was necessary or mutual, it may involve intense emotions because it marks the end of something that once held deep meaning.

The duration of divorce grief varies greatly from person to person. It can last anywhere from a few months to several years, depending on factors such as the marriage's length, the divorce's circumstances, and individual coping mechanisms.

Divorce grief can manifest physically as well as emotionally. People may experience fatigue, headaches, changes in appetite, or difficulty sleeping due to stress and emotional pain. Because of the loss of Connection and companionship you once had, you likely shared a deep emotional connection with your partner, and losing that bond can feel like losing a part of yourself. The absence of someone who was part of your daily life can create feelings of loneliness and emptiness.

Being part of a couple often becomes part of your identity, and divorce can lead to questions about who you are without that role. You may have envisioned shared dreams and a future together, and now those plans have changed. Even if the divorce was necessary, you might feel conflicting emotions of relief mixed with sadness, anger and resentment toward your ex-partner or the situation and regret wondering what could have been done differently.

Divorce often brings significant lifestyle changes and sometimes an end of stability or routine such as moving homes, financial adjustments, or parenting shifts, which can feel destabilizing. The uncertainty of facing an unknown future can trigger confusion, fear or sadness.

Many people experience feelings of failure, guilt or shame, feeling that they failed in the relationship which can sometimes lead to questioning their self-worth, value or lovability impacting them emotionally and psychologically.

Relationships with mutual friends, family or in-laws may also change or end and you might feel isolated if your social structure and circle shifts after the divorce. You might also grieve the unrealised potential of what the relationship could have been, especially if there were good times.

Divorce often forces you into personal transformation to re-evaluate your priorities, values, and goals, which can feel unsettling but is also a key part of moving forward. Here are some tips on how to cope with grief after divorce:

Acknowledge your feelings: Grief is a natural response. Allow yourself to feel without judgment.

Seek support: Share your feelings with trusted friends, family, or a therapist. Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself and avoid self-blame.

Focus on self-care: Prioritise your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

Explore new possibilities: Look at the divorce as an opportunity for growth and new beginnings.

Mindfulness and reflection: Practice mindfulness to stay present and reduce overwhelming feelings.


READER ADVICE

It is a normal reaction Dr Grace Amara. Instead of suppressing your feelings, allow yourself to experience them fully. Cry if you need to, journal your thoughts, or talk to someone you trust. Healing takes time, but remember that this is not the end of your story; it is the beginning of a new chapter where you can focus on your happiness and growth.

Lean into your faith
Maryanne Mukasa. Sometimes, what feels like the end is a new beginning that we cannot yet see. God has a plan for your life, and though it might not be clear right now, trust that He is guiding you. Pray for strength and lean into your faith during this difficult time. God will never leave you nor forsake you. Take solace in the knowledge that there is a divine reason for
everything.

Focus on your worth

Beatrice Mukisa. This is a setback, not a defeat. You have given your all, and now it is time to focus on yourself. Start with small steps; dress up, smile at yourself in the mirror, and remind yourself that you are still vibrant and full of life. Life is full of twists and turns, but each turn brings a new opportunity.

Rediscover yourself

Alex Nsubuga. Reflect on your dreams, goals, and passions. What have you always wanted to do? Now is the time to invest in yourself.
Whether it is starting a new career, taking up a hobby, or travelling, these small steps can help you rebuild your confidence and see the future as a realm of possibilities.


Ask for help
Khadija Kamulegeya. Do not go through this alone. Reach out to friends, family, or even support groups. They can provide comfort, understanding, and practical advice. Remember, the more you share your feelings, the lighter they will feel.

You will overcome
Pauline Namutebi. I have walked in your shoes, and I know how dark this moment feels. But I promise you, there is light ahead. Life after divorce can be filled with opportunities you have never imagined. It is a chance to redefine your life on your terms. Take time to heal and reflect, but do not stay stuck in the past. You are capable of creating a life that is even more fulfilling than before.

You must forgive
Pr Jonah Mwesigwa. Pain, though difficult, can lead to profound growth. Forgiveness is key, not just for your ex-partner, but for yourself too. Harbouring bitterness will weigh you down, but releasing it will set you free. Trust in God’s plan for your life, even if it is unclear.

It is well
Phoebe Miriam. Time is the greatest healer. Everything has beginning and an end. However, it is good to always watch the red flags and flee before too much water collects under the bridge. It is well, you will soon be okay.