I have been in a relationship with a 33-year-old married man for four years now. He told me that his marriage was not his choice since his parents forced him to marry right after he finished school and started working. According to him, there is no love between him and his wife because they have nothing in common and even claims they do not share a bed. From the beginning, he promised me he would get a divorce, but years have passed, and nothing has changed. He keeps telling me the same stories, sharing intimate details about his marriage, but never taking any real steps to leave. Lately, I cannot help but wonder; am I just wasting my time? Does he even intend to leave, or has he just been stringing me along? What should I do? Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
What you are involved in here with this married man is commonly referred to as a "love triangle," and unfortunately, you are on the receiving end of it. Unlike him, you are not the one with two partners; he is.
The fact that he is with both you and his wife, regardless of his reasons, means she fulfils something for him, just as you do. However, he is the one in control of the situation, not you. Love triangles can last for years, especially for the person juggling two relationships, because they may lack the will or courage to end them. Sometimes, they are even confused about how end the situation, especially if both women become aware of each other. The difficulty arises from maintaining two emotional and intimate connections; one with his wife and another with you.
At the heart of your struggle is the fact that a key promise, the one where he assured you he would leave his wife, has remained unfulfilled after four years. This raises significant challenges. First, you remain the "other woman," an outsider to a legally recognised marriage. If you have a child or children with him, it may deepen your emotional investment, but it does not necessarily place you in a more secure or ideal position. You also did not mention whether his wife knows about you.
If she eventually finds out, you cannot predict how she will react; whether she will fight for her marriage or let him go. Whatever the case, being viewed as a disruptor of a marriage often leads to stress, emotional turmoil, and deep uncertainty about the future. Divorce, despite being a legal process, is rarely straightforward. There are factors such as children, property, and extended family involvement, all of which can complicate his ability to leave, no matter what he tells you.
Another concern is that your relationship is anchored in a promise that you have no control over. His divorce is something only he can pursue, and as time passes, you remain in a situation where you fulfil some of his needs while waiting for him to fulfil yours. The longer this continues, the more emotionally and mentally draining it becomes. By the time reality truly sinks in, you may find yourself so deeply invested that walking away feels unbearably painful.
There is also the issue of relying on stories you cannot fully verify. He shares details about his marriage with you, but how do you know if they are true? He says he no longer shares a bed with his wife, but do you have proof? Could his words be carefully chosen to reassure you and keep you in the relationship? If he speaks poorly of his marriage to you, it raises an important question; what does that say about his character? If he is capable of denigrating his wife in front of you, what would stop him from doing the same to you under different circumstances?
By reaching out and expressing your concerns, you are already listening to your instincts, and that is significant. Deep down, you likely sense that something is not right, yet you are second-guessing yourself. Trust your gut feeling. If after four years, you are still left waiting and feeling uncertain, that in itself is an answer.
Rarely do relationships that begin with a married partner end well. While they may bring moments of happiness, they are often accompanied by regret, heartbreak, wasted time, and lost opportunities. If your ultimate goal is to stop sharing him with his wife, ask yourself how much control you truly have over that outcome. More importantly, consider your well-being and whether this relationship is truly serving you in the way you deserve. The decision is yours, but whatever you choose, make sure it prioritises your peace, happiness, and self-respect.
READER ADVICE
Put yourself in her shoes - Patience Destiny.
If you were in the wife’s place, how would you feel? You are hoping for the woman’s marriage to fail so that you can take her position. This is unfair. Instead, pray for wisdom, and may God continue to bless her marriage while you find your path.
He is lying to you - Sharmmy Maseko.
This man is deceiving you. He has no real intentions of leaving his wife. Exposing him might teach him a lesson, but the best decision is to walk away with your dignity intact. Do not waste your years on someone who is using you while maintaining his marriage.
You should leave him - Moses Earthe.
Beauty without wisdom leads to suffering. This man has been feeding you lies just to continue enjoying intimacy with you while keeping his happy family intact. He never planned to leave his wife, and you have only been an option for his pleasure. It is time to move on.
You are wasting time - Joviah Biira.
You are waiting for something that will not happen. If a divorce occurs, it will be because the wife chose to leave, not him. You are wasting your youthful years hoping for an impossible future. Leave while you still have time to rebuild your life and find true love.
Accept to be second wife - Chris Lampard.
Instead of pushing for his divorce, why not accept a second-wife position? However, even this will not guarantee you happiness. You are better off leaving this situation and finding someone who can truly commit to you.
You are cruel, selfish - Noelina Nabukalu.
You are a homewrecker if you are wishing for another woman’s downfall. That is cruel and selfish. Imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed. May you never see this marriage collapse, and may you instead find your own man without causing harm to another woman.
Find your own man - Margaret Enyonam Yekple.
You are wasting your precious years waiting for something uncertain. You are too beautiful and valuable to settle for being a side piece in someone else’s marriage. Focus on finding a man who is free and fully available for you.
You know what to do - Mathew Ocitti.
Deep down, you already know the answer. You are wasting time on a man who will never choose you fully. Instead of waiting for a hopeless future, take charge of your life and move forward.
He is not your man - Joan Joanah.
Do not crave what is not yours. A real, committed man is out there for you. Stop chasing someone who has already chosen another woman. If you focus on yourself and your happiness, you will find the right partner.
