The parenting cycle involves parent-child dynamics and roles. Photo | Firefly-Generated
As a parent of school-age and adolescent children, I need to constantly be aware of each of my children’s stages in their cycle of development (and give them the appropriate care or resources).
For instance, the needs of a 13-year-old are different from the needs of a 5-year-old.
As I and the children grow older, the dynamics and roles change on both sides, calling for more awareness and adaptability.
The parenting cycle refers to the recurring patterns of behaviour, attitudes, and interactions between parents and their children across different stages of their lives.
It is influenced by the parents' own childhood experiences, cultural beliefs, social expectations, and emotional development.
The cycle can be both positive and negative and significantly impact how children are raised and the behaviours they eventually adopt as they grow up.
Here’s a breakdown of the typical six stages and dynamics in the parenting cycle:
1. Early childhood (parenting infants and toddlers)
Parenting dynamics: At this stage, parents are focused on meeting the child's basic needs (food, shelter, love, safety). There is a lot of hands-on involvement with nurturing and caregiving.
Parent's role: Parents tend to be the primary caregivers, with responsibilities involving sleep schedules, feeding, and emotional bonding.
Child’s role: Children are highly dependent and cannot express complex needs beyond basic crying, babbling, and physical cues.
Impact on the cycle: If parents are loving, consistent, and responsive, it fosters secure attachment. However, neglect, inconsistent care, or emotional unavailability may lead to insecurity in children.
2. Childhood (parenting school-age children)
Parenting dynamics: As children begin to develop their personalities and cognitive skills, parents start guiding them in learning self-regulation, academics, socialisation, and behaviours.
Parent's role: The focus shifts from caregiving to discipline, encouragement, and setting boundaries. Parents may also start involving children in household responsibilities.
Child’s role: Children become more independent, seeking more control over their lives but still needing structure and boundaries.
Impact on the cycle: Supportive parenting promotes healthy emotional development, while overly harsh or permissive parenting can lead to behavioural problems, emotional issues, or low self-esteem.
3. Adolescence (parenting teenagers)
Parenting dynamics: Teenagers seek independence and autonomy. Parents may experience challenges in maintaining control, establishing boundaries, and dealing with peer influence, mood swings, and rebellion.
Parent's role: Parents transition into roles of guidance, providing emotional support, and letting teens make some decisions independently. Communication becomes key.
Child’s role: Adolescents begin to form their own identity and make decisions related to friendships, school, and career choices.
Impact on the cycle: Effective parenting during this stage leads to well-adjusted adolescents with a clear sense of self.
However, authoritarian control where strict rules and heavy discipline are consistently enforced, or permissive liberty where there is minimal control or neglectful parenting where basic child’s needs are not consistently met, or the coercive type where constant power struggles and negative reinforcement occur between parent and child, might strain the parent-child relationship.
4. Young adulthood (parenting young adults)
Parenting dynamics: By this stage, many children have left the home for education, work, or to live independently. Parents still offer support but are often less involved in day-to-day decisions.
Parent's role: The role of the parent shifts from active caregiving to offering advice and emotional support when needed. There may be a focus on maintaining an adult-like relationship.
Child’s role: Young adults continue to grow into their independence, making major life choices about careers, relationships, and personal values.
Impact on the cycle: Healthy communication and respect for autonomy at this stage foster a positive relationship into adulthood. Overprotective or disengaged parenting can lead to strained relationships.
5. The role reversal (parenting older parents)
Parenting dynamics: In some cases, adult children become caregivers for aging parents, leading to role reversal where the parent-child relationship changes.
Parent's role: They may need care due to ageing, health issues, or cognitive decline.
Child’s role: The child (now an adult) may assume the role of caretaker, decision-maker, and emotional support for their parents.
Impact on the cycle: This stage often brings challenges but can also lead to deepening family bonds if handled with empathy, respect, and effective communication.
6. The intergenerational parenting cycle
This refers to the influence of past generations on the current generation of parents. For example, how a parent was raised and what they learned from their parents often influences their parenting style.
Parenting styles and emotional responses can be passed down, sometimes unintentionally. And all of us are products of our parents’ parenting styles whether good or bad.
Phiona, a mother of four opines, “My father gave us quality time. He never seemed to be too busy for us. We had his attention. Despite his many idiosyncrasies, this particular positive quality stayed with me and I have carried it into my parenting experience. I make time for my children. No excuses.”
Impact: A positive cycle of nurturing and support can be passed down, while negative patterns (such as abuse, neglect, or emotional unavailability) may be repeated across generations unless a conscious effort is made to break them.
Breaking the cycle
For parents who have experienced negative parenting cycles (For example, emotional neglect, and abuse), it is possible to break the cycle with self-awareness, therapy, and intentional changes in parenting practices. Seeking professional guidance and building healthier coping mechanisms can ensure that the negative patterns are not repeated with their children.
Mutungi, a father of two, explains, “My father was an angry man and he carried an angry demeanour. He never seemed to be happy at all. I never saw him smile even once. I somehow inherited that trait (of an angry face) from him and I hated it so bad that I determined to change it when I became a parent myself.”
So when he started to have children, he started the process.
“To have a smile on my face no matter what challenge I am going through. Truth be told, what you want to change about yourself, you can change it, so I did,” says Mutungi.
“My children know me as a happy man. I am their happy place. That was always what I wanted to be known for. I broke that cursed cycle.”
Conclusion
The parenting cycle is complex, with various stages requiring different care, support, and boundaries. Each stage builds upon the previous one, and the cycle can either be nurturing and positive or lead to challenges in the parent-child relationship, depending on how parents approach their roles and how children respond to their environment.
Besides, each child has unique personality traits and developmental stages which may require adjustments in parenting approaches.
Being mindful of one’s behaviour, communication style, and emotional responses can help ensure a healthy and constructive cycle.
