My friend Patrick was a cool guy. But he wasn’t “all there”, brain-wise. Nor was he lucky.
After getting a degree in Geography, he ended up geographically located on the streets. Unemployed and unsmiling.
Finally, however, Patrick got a job. It was in a pharmacy owned by some Indian dude.
On his first day at work, Patrick’s Indian boss, head wobbling from side-to-side, said to Patrick: “You’re ma…”
Patrick, sensing he just heard the beginning of a “Yo Momma” joke, interrupted his boss to say: “Yo Momma’s so dumb, she mistook the cold weather for a spicy meal when she heard it was chilly”.
Patrick was sacked, as his bushy eyebrows waggled like concerned caterpillars.
Like I said, Patrick had a cavity where his brain should have been.
Back in high school, he and I studied Agriculture together. During a practical examination, we had to diagnose the diseases which killed three chickens.
I said they all died of coccidiosis. Patrick thought otherwise.
He said the chickens all died of “natural causes”. No doubt, Patrick was the type who believed chickens enjoyed a finger-licking good afterlife in KFC heaven.
Many years later, Patrick and I met in Makindye. On that bright October morning, Patrick rolled up in a taxi with his chick. He jumped out of the taxi, and let his rather surprised girlfriend pay the fare.
After she paid, they walked over to me.
Patrick’s girlfriend had a degree in Physical Education and was fluent in shaking her booty. Still, she was so quiet you could hear a church mouse counting its money when she was around.
“You guy!” Patrick gushed. “Today there’s a quiz in Muyenga and the prize money is Shs4 million! We should make a team!”
“The three of us?” I asked.
“Yes…along with Daniel!” Patrick proposed.
“Daniel?” I asked, under my breath.
The last time I saw him, he was higher than a stick of marijuana with wings. Once, after smoking ganja, he entered a 100-metre sprint with five other runners.
Running like crazy, he won the race. But instead of stopping after crossing the finish line, he kept running as exhaust fumes of weed smoke billowed in his wake.
He only stopped running after colliding into a waiting brick wall, five miles away!
Daniel was an incurable romantic.
After he heard the words ‘love is free’, he literally fell in love every day. Not because of love, but because he just loved free things!
Sadly, he was only as bright as the penlight shone on him whenever he was being “detoothed” by slay queens.
In brief, my proposed quiz team was as useless as an amputee in a foot race. But we went ahead, since Daniel convinced us he would get us free food and drinks during the quiz.
So, at around 7pm, we swaggered into a Muyenga pub for the quiz.
The other teams on tap were a cocktail of opposing groups. All ready to flatten their accelerators towards the prize money.
Tension filled the air.
One team had serious-looking individuals, who looked like they could slap you and read you poetry at the same time. Like a toilet door marked ‘closed’, they didn’t take crap from anybody.
Another team comprised a bevy of ladies who were so physically unattractive they could win any ‘inner beauty’ contest.
All of them, unlike Patrick, knew the Periodic Table was not furniture women used during menstruation.
Oh yes, these ladies were ready to take home the prize money.
At 8pm, the quiz kicked off with 10 categories ranging from science to fashion.
Clearly, in the fashion department, we were going nowhere. Chiefly because Patrick’s girlfriend put the “Ki?” in Gucci.
In the music and movies department, I came alive with all sorts of trivia. I was on a roll. And our team was racking up points because of this.
Then, Patrick got jealous.
His girlfriend had been cheering me on with everything short of a marriage proposal. She was on me like ugly on a gorilla. So Patrick complained that I was “monopolising the team”.
I saw how angry Patrick was because of my ‘monopoly’. So, I let him take over the history and politics category.
Now, we all knew Patrick knew nothing about history and politics.
I mean, he thought a ‘pantiscocracy’ was the rule of female undergarments and Independence Day was a Will Smith movie!
But I relented as he and the quizmaster eyed each another like two dogs with hairs standing on their backs.
In the category ‘Wildlife and Nature’, we were asked about a particular kind of bee found in Zimbabwe. And Patrick answered, “That’s a Muga-bee”.
I decided to leave. However, before I exited the joint, the waiter came over to give me the bill. Apparently, the food and drinks weren’t free after all!
I turned around angrily, ready to quarrel with Daniel. But, to my shock, my whole team had vanished into the empty air which made up the vacuum in Patrick’s head.