Appreciating the extended family

When Jajja Najjemba was in her teens, the whole family would get up in the morning and head to the shamba to tend the garden while the younger children stayed home to do simple chores like sweeping the compound and feeding the chicken. When any of the sons of the family got married, he built his house in the same homestead. The result was a large family of aunties, uncles, cousins and grandparents living, working, and playing together- the extended family setting.

This scenario was common in the African society of old. In fact, it was something very many took pride in. For new mothers it meant that there were more people to take care of the baby, for the children, it meant more playmates, and for the head of the family it meant more people with whom to share the responsibility of keeping a home. Generally, the adage that, “the more the merrier” took on a proper meaning. However, today’s family sings a different tune.

The advent of urbanisation that started in the colonial times has made people lean more to families of their own- that means just a father, a mother and the children. Other relatives get priority only at the odd family celebration or tragedy- Aunt Jill’s wedding or Uncle Jack’s funeral.

Some like Dennis Ssekijoba, a boda boda cyclist in Kampala have cut all ties with their extended family. For him, the family that he left back in the village could not matter less as they only go to him when they need money compared to his wife and daughters, whom he says, love him unconditionally.

Problems arising from family members
But not everyone has the luxury of forgetting their relatives in the village. For every five people you ask, you will find that at least three are part of an extended family, and so it is not surprising that while the extended family is not what it was in the past, it has managed to bear many problems.

Cases of women who are having problems with their mothers-in-law, girls sleeping with their sisters’ husbands, and a spouse’s brother teaching the younger children how to smoke, are some of the issues we hear about today.

Jennifer, an events planner in Nakawa tells of her shock and horror on finding out that her brother-in-law was bringing prostitutes to the house. “My four-year old son asked me why Uncle Eric was bringing funny-smelling ladies to the house. I stayed home late one day and saw one of these ladies sneaking out of the house while my son was having breakfast. It was clear that she was a prostitute. I confronted him about it but he told me to mind my own business,” she says, “My husband was no help as he said that Eric is an old man who can do as he pleases.” And therein lays the problem.

Lois Ochieng, a counselling psychologist says that in such a home, each spouse should take responsibility for the relative they bring to avoid any friction. By responsibility, she means that if the husband brings a brother to the house, he should set the boundaries for him, he should be the one to correct him where he goes wrong, and castigate in case of mischief. By doing this, the relationship between the brother and the man’s wife will be smoother.

Protect the nuclear family
“Apart from taking responsibility, it is important that each spouse protects the other from relatives living at home,” she says. “For instance when the man’s relatives complain about the dress code of the woman, he should stand up for her and tell them that he is fine with the way she dresses.”

Ochieng says that the majority- approximately six out of eight- of family issues she hears at Healing Talk counselling services pertain to problems with in-laws. When a couple enters a marriage, they do so with relatives who raise unique issues- quirky “Uncle Ned” and nosy “Aunt Beth”.

“The majority are mothers of the man, and fathers of the woman. When it comes to the siblings, those of the husband tend to be more troublesome,” she says, “Uncles and aunties come in if they took part in raising the man or woman.”

Biting on the inside of her lip in anger, Liz, a grocer in Mulago talks about her husband’s aunt who always comes to their house unannounced, and how the husband always makes her drop everything and have a room ready for the aunt. Any attempts to make her husband understand how much she resents this have been futile. In this case her husband is not protecting his nuclear family, something Ochieng stresses is important in dealing with issues pertaining to extended families.

Distance
For others, distance is the best way to deal with the extended family. “I prefer to see my extended family once in a while,” Kenneth, a businessman in Wandegeya says. His whole family meets every month to catch up and he says that this ensures that his children keep ties with their uncles, aunties and cousins.

“To take care of finances, when we meet we contribute some money and with every meeting some people get a bit of it by picking lots. The balance goes to an account from which a family member in need can take a loan,” Kenneth says, “This helps all of us take care of each other without being in each other’s hair.”

Communication
“I do not think there is a family in Uganda which does not have extended family issues. Even in Europe and America, the problem exists so it is important that couples keep communication open and deal with issues as they arise so that they do not fester,” Ochieng says. Spouses should be quick to tell each other when a relationship with their extended family is becoming difficult.

And if bad comes to worse and such a person needs to be cut off, then it should be a mutual decision. If just one person makes that decision, then it could cause problems in the future. Indeed, the extended family is something we need to deal with because it comes with its pluses.

If strong, this family provides emotional support, and ensures economic security when people take responsibility in paying bills, school fees and the like. It is also a great way to provide care for the older generation, for example grandchildren making sure that the grannies take all their medication.

A happy extended family ensures that all family values, norms, and even property will go down from generation to generation smoothly. And so it is important that we nurture our relationships with our grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and half or step siblings for they are family.