I finally decided to become rich in Ssabalwanyi’s Kingdom. Since Ssabalwanyi is always suffering with examples of socio-economic transformation, I have offered to lighten his burden. But there is really a catch. My first desire was to be a philosopher, hide somewhere far away, and scribble away my thoughts. But it is best to do philosophy after the money, after the material effect. Mine will be the school of pragmatic philosophy. It is not the art of getting money that proves one’s intelligence, it is what one does with the money.
Once you are rich, the things you do with the money reveals your values. I am not impressed with the primitive accumulation of the Ugandan mafia. They need an innovations department, a place where they can source creativity. They seem to want more without knowing what exactly to do with more. Of course, I am joining them with a plan.
I get the money; I lend them some imagination. Because why on earth is it impossible to find a classic Italian suit tailor in Uganda? Why on earth can’t you find a good shoe in Uganda? Or is it a status symbol for Ugandans to get a few things abroad? Like why can’t the mafia bring those specialty shops into the country? You see, I do not belong to the club that whines and complains. I am a man of practical means. If you cannot beat them, you join them.
Kyembuzza... Are there mafia groups hiring? What is the process? Because at this rate, if you do not belong to a mafia group, you have no cushion. And this should not surprise pragmatic philosophers of my lot. Because these bu-countries in the early stages of economic development are always run through a scramble and partitioning. Since it is impossible for one mafia group to exercise monopoly of ‘scavenging’, they agree on lots.
Digital number plates are one lot. EPS tickets are another lot. Coffee is another lot. Now that is where I come in, because there are still more lots to take on. Why, for example, are Ugandans breathing free oxygen? After all, they are already paying in ze clubs. Are they still clubs anymore? Let us call them lounges. Anti, all they do is sit, and sit, and snap, and snap. Anyway, Dr. Full Figure told us to let people be. In this Uganda, we have the Peaky Blinders headed by Thomas Shelby. You have the Italians with Luca Changretta in charge.
Do not forget Sabini’s group, then the IRA. You will find a variant. Naye don’t you people desire midnight libraries? Imagine leaving your bed at 2am and just landing at an art instalment? Aarrghhh, I keep forgetting this is a country in the early stages of economic development. There is never an order at such levels of income.
In Luganda, we call that the stage of ‘gadibe ngalye’. My country is a country of many countries. In one country, they are discussing Etania and Baraka’s love language, in another, Charles Sekyewa and Stecia Mayanja are pulling crowds to Serena. In one, they are complaining about EPS tickets, in another country, someone wishes they get to see their kidnapped relative. “Kale batwale ssente zzonna, naye abaana baffe…” This Uganda is a country of countries. In one country, I will spurt out the words; ‘wawawa ini wa’ and someone will know that’s Dexta and Father.
Wait a minute, did this chap get inspiration from Dexter’s laboratory? Because me thought that ka-dance was easy until I tried it out. It has an art to it. But another Ugandan rained on the parade, mbu they hope the dude and father have saved some money for when they are back in Kasese. Ugandans will spoil some good fun. You are just eating your ka-little money, and then someone pulls out a Kakande excel. Mutulekke.
Instead of risking an EPS ticket, mbu just sit in a bar near you gwabikke. In Joelian speak; “mbu why are you asking for kiwi-flavoured sparkling water all of a sudden?” How did you survive without it in Ntungamo? Mbu why are you complaining because they brought you an ice cream spoon instead of a teaspoon? Did you know these things in Lyantonde? It must be the Duke of Nshara that said something along the lines of Lugard being the true hero of Uganda.
This country of countries that Lugard created is like no other. The Mafia groups keep stretching the possibilities, my Lamine Yamal gets humbled (anti suddenly, I was everything Barca) – as if I do not know SC Villa better. What was I trying to say? In this country, you either belong to a mafia group or you are forced into activism. Mbu the middle has slipped away.
No more fences. Pick a side, the true Ugandan premier league is about to kick-off. Wait for the massage parlour and football turf licenses awo you will see the whole Ntare fraternity up in arms… Post-script: Mbu back in the days, in this same Uganda, chaps used to walk to Jubilee Park (read Sheraton hotel gardens) every weekend to enjoy a free orchestra performance by the Uganda Police Band. And that band would play Tchaikovsky’s swan lake or serenade of strings without any struggle. Mwe, this same Uganda Police band? Braka Braka…wawawa iniwa… X: @OrtegaTalks
