How to join Uganda’s kidandali club

On Fridays, a mudandali must always remind his neighbours that he has the best sound system. The volume must be up there. And at around 11pm, the mudandali must open Suuna Ben’s kinyanyanya.

Every society has its owners, the people that run the show. They dictate who gets to rise, who gets demoted and who gets assigned. In Uganda, that club is the Kidandali Club. It controls every aspect of Ugandan life. Everyone directly or indirectly works for the Kidandali club. But there is a way to join the Kidandali Club, to become a fully subscribed member, aka Omudandali.

First step: Avoid queues, avoid anything that looks like a queue

As a mudandali, you should never subscribe to that nonsense of queuing. Humans, especially Ugandans were not made for that kind of life. Leave that to the chaps with lugezigezi. A mudandali will always create a new queue, find a way to fix themselves ahead of the queue or totally disregard the queue. In times of traffic gridlocks, a mudandali creates a new lane. Whether a mudandali is rushing or not, he must show extreme disgust for queues. And do not forget the bu lights, the double indicators or the LED lights.

When a mudandali spots a traffic officer, he should always slide down his window and signal the other drive to give him faasi, all this should be done using the body. But in case the mudandali is denied faasi by those bu ‘actually’ people, the ones that cannot wait to complain on X, the mudandali should just prepare his muda for the traffic officer. Again, also the mudandali’s car must have those bumper guards. It is the first accessory a mudandali adds to his car, then the bu lights and tints.

Second Step: Listen to kidandali 

Music, be immersed in it

As a mudandali, you must be fully updated about the Alien Skin incident. Because in what world do you exist if you cannot sustain a conversation about the Fangone President, and Nkwacho. You must have that Spice Diana song Siri Regular on repeat. And when it comes to kwanjula, you should always demand for those ‘hater-see-me-now’ songs. And do not forget, a mudandali’s function is not complete without those ‘katumwa’ boys dancing Empele. As a mudandali, there s no better beach than the airs of Mulungu. Yes, just as the Catholics have their Namugongo, Mulungu is the Badandali pilgrimage site. And while there, do not forget the kidandali music, you must at least dance to Nandor Love’s Kinawolovu.

Third step: Have an active TikTok 

Account

There is only one media channel for a mudandali – TikTok. A mudandali should never go an hour without checking into the TikTok account. You must know about the new filter and effect. You must know when it is time to upgrade that money bouquet. You must know the proceedings from Planned Mulekwa and take a side in every battle.

Fourth step: Never pay debts, remind people not to put on MTN line

As a mudandali, you have no business honouring your promises. Pledge big, borrow big, but that is where it stops. And when people are sending you money, always remind them; ‘Gwe Orte, nteera ku Airtel, ku MTN bamanja’. And once you receive the money, wait for them to ask ‘ozifunye?’

Fifth step: Gypsum boards and 

Wallpaper

Remember, a mudandali always finds a cheaper, quicker, easier way to do it. A mudandali does not follow any standard. A mudandali is the standard. A mudandali is creative. A mudandali does their own interior designs, because nothing like a professional exists in their world. ‘Mbu anti bajja kumubba.’ There is always somewhere cheaper for a mudandali.

And on Fridays, a mudandali must always remind his neighbours that he has got the best sound system. The volume must be up there. And at around 11pm, the mudandali must open Suuna Ben’s kinyanyanya. All this to crown a day that started with katogo of byenda, kikalayi and ki-Nilo. In the morning, the mudandali’s weekend girlfriend must showcase her skill of doing the ‘kinzali’ while clad in the mudandali’s Arsenal jersey. Yes, a mudandali and Arsenal are twins.

Sixth step: Do not forget the 

Kitambala, the kyoya

Okay, Banamasaka will complain that they are the architects of kidandali, but again, the Kidandali club has been here longer than Masaka. It is just that most Banamasaka are naturals at kidandali. Eh, as a mudandali, you must also belong to a religious camp. You must be for Teddy or for Bugingo. Remember a mudandali must be updated in every battle. And a mudandali must always have a side.

Seventh step: Be smart, weyiye, 

Toloba

As a mudandali, you grow rich by being smart. But you never ask for bribes directly. You invent words such as ‘okoze otya, oyita, yitaba…’ As a good mudandali, you and luseke must be conjoined twins. Go back and read that guide on the art and science of ‘beating luseke’. A mudandali is always looking for the next mugaga to kusudiya. A mudandali should never run out of praise words, and ideas, even when it comes at the risk of pronouncing Don Perignon as ‘Doni Perigino…’ And ehh, a mudandali must always snap, snap every moment, snap and caption. 

How will the village witches know you have escaped from them? How will that crazy Ssenga of yours know that she is no longer your level? As a mudandali, you work for ‘butala’ aka the ‘bu-lights’. Never go out of bu-lights. You must be on top of whatever is trending and try to put yourself in the middle of whatever is trending.

Of course, if you are reading this and can nod yes to most of the points, you are already a mudandali. If you think there are missing points, you are a fourth generation mudandali. Welcome to the Kidandali club, our motto is ‘Togikwata nyo brake, masavu n’enkudi…’

X: @OrtegaTalks