Looking for money is not easy. One encounters many ideas in this process. And the best of ideas come around that devil’s drink. It is with the drink that men finally talk. They finally let out all that has kept their hearts heavy. It is the only therapy men subscribe to. The rule of the drink is that you do not remind a chap of things he said once he is sober.
You act like nothing happened. And that is how over the drink, the discussion started. While sober, one of the gentlemen claimed to have figured out a formula for making money in farming. Ahem! I was listening. What is this formula? That with one acre, he could make a Shs25m per planting. Then I wondered; “at what cost of production?” He mentioned that it would take Shs5m. I belched. These are stories I had heard. I waited when the whole table was marinated with drinks.
That is when the real business idea came out – performance enhancement for men over 40 years. Mbu you see, real money for most men tends to start arriving at 35 years, then the actual money tends to hit when they are 40. But the problem with that age, life has also equally beaten them, and they have lost the stamina, that spirit of their youth. They become the infamous ‘nsindika njake’.
The issue with this business is that everyone claims to sell something that works but few have the real solution. My friend said, “nothing hurts like making the arrangements, chasing for months and finally when the day comes, the car’s battery goes muahala…” Because of such embarrassments, men have learned to fake up urgent meetings, to pretend to be stressed, all in the name of disguising these failures. As I write this, I have embarked on this idea. I will have different flavours of my products.
Such as Mpologoma, Majamberere, Magulukumi, Fimbo, Inter Milan, name it all. I just need to brush up on my Runyankore and then rebrand as an industrialist. The men above 40, I have you sorted. But speaking of these men, isn’t this some form of doping? Shouldn’t it be illegal for athletes in these games to dope? Anyway, my other issue with this age group (their backpains and osteoporosis aside), it is their ‘nkwana mbi’.
These men have maddened the market. Can you believe a man using a promise of a 4matic as a pickup line in her DM? We need a market regulator. Someone to watch the things men are promising. Because before, things were easier. All that the girls needed was a beard to scratch and chest hairs (pillow for the ladies). Now, men are promising strange things, distorting the market, it is hyperinflation in Kampala. I really hate those bi-men over 40. But thank the Lord, he balanced the game by taking away their stamina.
Situationships and Tiguans
I will start with a ka-disclaimer. Most of my bu-awesome accomplished female friends drive Tiguans. This piece is not in anyway inspired by you. But in case you chaps want to claim the honours, who cares? The newest and hottest club in town is the Tiguan club. It is for the self-assured ladies. They are well-travelled, but they also hate the display of excesses.
They are the kind that adorn cashmere sweaters and exude that quiet luxury. If it is climbing corporate ladders, they have looped them, used lifts, seen all kinds of boardrooms, all at a young age. Where do they invest? You find them in unit trusts and bonds. They are not to be found in the kavuyo of the other classes. But occasionally, you will also find them balancing life with their mechanic in Ndeeba. Mbu, you know you have arrived as a corporate woman when you add a Tiguan to your fleet.
Now, the same ingredients that make a Tiguan are the same ingredients that make situationships in Kampala. Mwe, the relationships in Kampala are rare these days. Do you know recently some ka-baddie told me mbu we have been friends for a decade and there was nothing to show for it. It is these accidental encounters, a once in a month visit to each other, then life moves, then years move. But gwe, situationships can outlast relationships and marriages in this Kampala. This gavumenti must find a way of legalising our situationships. They should be recognised as a form of marriage. Because even the chap reading this has been in a successful situationship. They are the kabalagala, muwogo, chappati and sumbusa of breakfast in Kampala.
Nga kabalagala and Muwogo have served us. On this note, in this city of associations, I announce myself lifetime President of the Uganda National Situationships Board. I see potential members, chaps such as that big-headed cartoonist – oghorn. I would have mentioned the mumble-rustle, the baby of babies, Rosie-baby, naye where will I eat? Post-Script: Have you noticed that thirst traps are an economic indicator? Have you also noticed that most men in Kampala are addicted to Old Spice? But above all, why did Uganda Airlines fail to give me wine on that flight from Nairobi to Entebbe? Those bu-chaps are overrated.
X: @OrtegaTalks
