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Living and loving it: Why I find conflict hard to deal with
Conflict are usually a projection of a difference in opinion or even a series of poorly handled events that later build up. PHOTO/COURTESY
What you need to know:
- The other problem with the way people face conflict is those who take any type of disagreement personally.
During a conversation two days ago, the husband asked me what type of person I am when it comes to dealing with conflict. I have known over many years what my style is. I avoid conflict as much as I can. Like the plague. I have hard to work at this and I am getting better, but there is still work to be done. The reason I do not like conflict is because I believe many of us, including myself approach it wrongly.
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First, many people approach it as a do-or-die situation. They want to “win” at all costs. So they work hard to pull the person they are trying to settle an argument with, down. They do not try and look at things from the other person’s point of view. They do not try and understand why this person thinks the way they do. All they want is to get what they want regardless of the cost to the other person. Facing a conflict situation with this kind of person is just draining. At the end of the conversation or meeting, you walk away feeling manipulated, and walked over and the issue has not really been solved.
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The other problem with the way people face conflict is those who take any type of disagreement personally. We are all entitled to opinions, viewpoints and perspectives because we are different. We were raised differently, brought up in different environments and had our worldview set in different ways according to the various experiences we faced. We will of course differ in many ways, which should not necessarily be a problem. But woe to you if you have to discuss an issue with someone who feels you must see things using their lens, and if you do not, then you are against them. Any small disagreement or difference in outlook will see them sulk, avoid you or give you silent treatment. If you are like me, you find yourself having to measure your words during any conflict, or just avoiding that conversation if it is not of consequence.
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Then there are those people who want to revenge because you seem to have gotten your way. Picture this. You meet with your supervisor on how to sell a product to a prospective client. Your teammate feels you should sell Product A but you feel Product B is the better one. During the meeting, teammate tries to convince the supervisor to consider her proposal, however you insist and show why you think yours could work better. Supervisor at the end of the day goes with your idea and asks you both to sell that to the client. What does teammate do? She decides she is going to work hard to show you why your idea was not good. She turns everything into a battle, any project you are asked to do, any discussion you have, any meeting. Each opportunity she gets, she tries to show how she is better than you – all because in that meeting with the supervisor, your idea was picked over hers. After such an experience, you just know that having differing ideas from hers means war with her. Needless to say, all that is exhausting.
We shall always have conflicts. Small ones, big ones, average ones, complicated ones, simple ones… It’s the way of life. But if can look at conflict as simply a difference in opinion and try to find common ground, or meet each other halfway, it would not be so hard to deal with. Of course, conflict that arises because someone has broken the rules, the law or the principles that were agreed to earlier has to be dealt with differently. But for all else, let’s just be a little more understanding and have less useless battles, less sulking, and fewer people feeling wounded because they were run over mercilessly by a selfish person.
