A woman uses her phone in Uganda in 2023. PHOTO/FILE
Gone are the days when you needed to be on NTV or have a hit song to have some traction to your name. All you need now is a decent camera phone, a stable internet connection, and the bravery to post your entire life on the internet without shame.
Influencing is now a career, but sometimes… just sometimes… influencers say things that are so wildly unnecessary, so cosmically off-topic.
Pronounced /ˈin-floo-uhn-sah/ –, an influencer is a modern-day pseudo intellect who turns selfies into pay, captions into campaigns, and bad decisions into content. They are known for saying “so many of you have been asking…” when no one asked, and for promoting detox teas they have never tasted. In the wild, they can be spotted near ring lights, sponsored brunches, or giving unsolicited life advice from hotel lobbies they are not checked into. Synonyms: Content hustler or soft life ambassador.
Opposite: Mind-your-business civilian. Welcome to the golden age of influencing. Gone are the days when you needed to be on NTV or have a hit song to have some traction to your name. All you need now is a decent camera phone, a stable internet connection, and the bravery to post your entire life on the internet without shame. In this blessed republic of Uganda, fame is now on Pay-As-You-Go.
Talking influencing, it is like going to the gym; everyone starts at zero, but some people are already genetically gifted, same as the digital space. If you are a natural baddie whose face card never declines, congratulations, you are halfway to a 50K following. For the rest of us who were not handpicked by God’s filters, there is still hope to become a thought leader. Share a few spicy takes, quote a TED Talk maybe, you will be verified in no time too. Now brands are lining up to hand over product deals to these digital oracles and selfie scholars. And honestly, we love them. We do. But sometimes… just sometimes… influencers say things that are so wildly unnecessary, so cosmically off-topic. Today we talk about some of these phrases.
“You guys loved this outfit from last night…”
Did we? Honestly, we did not even know you went anywhere. You posted one blurry boomerang under disco lights at one Bandali bar, but the outfit was barely visible. We were too busy watching your friend in the background wrestling with her ka-situationship near the DJ booth. But now here you are, dragging us into a full-blown haul from Owino, claiming it is luxury on a budget. Next thing we know, you are posing with a handbag from Zara Collectionz, talking about timeless pieces. Sis, the tag still says Zanda, not Zara. We are all for dressing cute on a budget, but let us not act like you were styled by Vogue. The outfit was cute, but no one was begging for the link. We were just trying to survive the Monday after.
“Can’t believe I’m saying this…”
Then do not say it. But of course, you do. And what follows is always a dramatic pause, some shaky sigh, and then... disappointment. We brace ourselves for something life-changing, only to hear about a lip balm launch. Sometimes worse. It is a 12-minute front-camera sermon about releasing toxic energy and stepping into your higher self, all while you are still subposting your ex on X.
A close-up of a finger is pointing to the Twitter (X) mobile app on a smartphone screen, which is displayed alongside other apps including Instagram, Telegram, Facebook, TikTok, YouTube, and Messenger, in Brussels, Belgium, on November 30, 2023. PHOTO/FILE/AFP
We sit through the whole thing, hoping there is something juicy, but no, it ends with “just wanted to share that with you guys, love and light.” My G, keep it. Take your crystals, your essential oils, and your new self-care planner back to your vision board because at this point, we have heard it all and we are exhausted.
“Hey guysssssss”
You can always tell how chaotic the day is about to get by the number of “s’s” in “guys.” If it is just one, maybe it is a quick hello update. Two or three? Expect venting about late deliveries or broken nails. But four and above? Buckle up. It is usually shot while lying in bed, bonnet barely hanging on, one acrylic nail missing in action, and cereal being eaten straight from the box. “I am not okay but I will be okay,” they say. Bonus points if the lighting is tragic and the camera angle is straight from the chin. Still, we watch. Because chaos in HD is content and we are here for it.
“GRWM” But they are always late
Nothing screams unserious like a Ugandan ‘Get Ready With Me’ (GRWM). You are filming at 7:30am, the event is at 9, and you are still in a headscarf? Midway through, you realise you have not even bathed. The camera’s fogging up from your flat iron steam, your lash glue dries crusty, and your ka-Uber cancels just as you start contouring. Now you are pacing around, face half-beat, yelling ‘these bodas are not serious’. You slap on shades, record a chaotic voiceover, and post with OOTD loading. Apparently in this economy, being on time is optional but content? Content is forever. Even if you arrive one hour late looking like stress in heels.
“I know you guys have missed me!”
Dear, we did not even know you had left. You took a 24-hour social media detox and returned like you were rising from the dead, talking about “I’ve been going through it” and “had to unplug for my peace.” Sis, you just ran out of data and forgot to top up. No one missed you. There was no candlelight vigil. No online petition. No trending hashtag. Meanwhile, the rest of us were battling real-life issues like praying the landlord forgets it is the 5th. You come back and post a full photoshoot from the same rough patch.Face beat, edges laid, outfit from an online thrift.You just did not have WiFi. But welcome back anyway, Kamanda. Our timelines have been suspiciously peaceful without your 3am rants.
“I just wanted to hop on real quick!”
If you hear this, cancel your next plan. Nothing real quick ever follows. What starts as a casual check-in turns into a documentary about how busy their week has been, which really means selfies at the newly-opened restaurant and attending an empowerment session which came with free juice. In this while, we just wanted peace. Now we are trapped into their digital diary with no exit. And they still have not hopped off.
“My DMs are exploding!”
Exploding with what exactly? MTN bundle alerts? You post one photo in a neon green jumpsuit looking like a human highlighter and suddenly claim ‘so many of you have been asking about this look’. Sis, who is so many? Be honest, only your sister replied with a fire emoji, and even she was just being polite because you gave her that jumpsuit first and it did not fit. Unless URA is in your inbox asking for taxes or your ex is trying to resurrect a situationship, let’s not lie to the masses. Even your TikTok comments are dry, just that one ‘where is this location’, that you never answered. But now here you are, claiming brands are begging to work with you. If your DMs are really exploding, then screenshot them. We want receipts, Fam. Until then, relax. Even Zuckerberg is wondering who exactly is texting you on Meta platforms.
