Prime
The Ortega Rolex Awards (ORAs) are here
What you need to know:
- One man consistently held this year for us. From surviving an assassination attempt to launching the ‘kasongo’ revolution.
- Who knew that kasongo would also disturb our next door neighbours? We all agreed that ‘Pentagon’ should be put on hold.
- Little did we know that Prophet Kaks was planning to help launch every shape at Mulago
I had promised never to write about these people... Najjera, who did not see you? To imagine that these days people secretly talk about residing in Jjeras.
I have been advised by my friends in procurement and finance that this is the right moment to release these awards. We are already in that week when every purchase order and invoice shall be revisited in 2025. It is also a panic week, because one small mistake and you become one of the many friends and family people will be cutting off.
The 2024 Ortega Rolex Awards (ORAs) took place in Nkokonjeru. Now some chaps may be wondering, what is the big deal about Nkokonjeru? What the hell with that ka small town in Bukunja? Those questions can only come from unserious people in cattle districts, and those other districts that are not suffering from inflation.
In Nkokonjeru, cocoa did it again. The price of everything has gone up. Mbu can you imagine even the women in Nkokonjeru have hiked the kameeza money? Anyway, all those storros are being shared by the Matriarch. But I will confirm for myself this Christmas. Now onto the awards…
Personality of the Year: Pastor Buggy
One man consistently held this year for us. From surviving an assassination attempt (that you people still query) to launching the ‘kasongo’ revolution. Who knew that kasongo would also disturb our next-door neighbours? We all agreed that ‘Pentagon’ should be put on hold. Little did we know that Prophet Kaks was planning to help launch every shape at Mulago. Mbu when the President got there for the launch, he was speechless. Suddenly, memories of his times at Kyamate flooded him. He could see these circles, triangles, and even a hexagon. Mbu era Pastor Buggy now claims the reason Pentagon is delayed is because Prophet Kaks stole his shapes.
Song of the Year: Kinawolovu
Some of you think you are cool. That this year belongs to Masavu or to Dawa. No good people. Judging by the year itself, everything was a Kinawolovu. The song came in just at the right time. To prove that the song was serious, Chameleone was rushed to hospital. According to the doctors, Chameleone demands that Nandor Love should hold a performance at the hospital. Meanwhile Nandor Love is busy thinking of the next animal to sing about. Mbu she is here to complete the good work that G-Snake started. She has ‘Empologoma’, now ‘Kinawolovu’. I could have suggested ‘Ekikere Kiri Ku Mbata’ but then our friends at U-See-See are not so happy.
Photographer of the Year: U-See-See Director
Although Tim Kalyegira thinks the biggest threat to most jobs is AI, for the photographers in Uganda, it is that special style of the U-See-See Director. There is just a way he frames the selfies. It is out of the ordinary, how he balances the colour temperature, and applies the rule of the thirds. Mbu people such as Musilaamu Abubaker have already sought comfort from their editors that their jobs are safe. Wueh, the U-See-See fellow can snap a selfie mwana.
Innovation of the Year: 4-Acre Model
Now, this was my best moment during the ORAs in Nkokonjeru. Where would Uganda be without the ingenuity of Mzee? Just as those fellows in ka-Rwanda were bragging about their bid to host Formula One, we had an eureka moment in Nkokonjeru. Okay, my mitte (read mother) says we should shorten it and be trendy. It is henceforth now called ‘Nkoks’ aka ‘White Chicken’. We realised that the things Rwanda is dreaming about, our Mzee had already given us. With just 4 acres, Silicon Valley shall never have anything on us. Only 4-acres is all that a serious Ugandan needs. Wama Mzee, me I have gone ahead and bought my acres in the cloud. I am pioneering cloud farming. Consider me among the many you visit in 2025.
Flop of the Year: Najjera Fellows
I had promised never to write about these people. Only for them to receive an award. Najjera, who did not see you? (Ani atabalaba?). To imagine that these days people secretly talk about residing in Jjeras. Mbu the new place is Kyanja. Everyone is now a Kyanja fellow. Mbu when Naalya Estate heard of this Kyanja competition, it decided to place gates everywhere. Now there is a hotel in the Estate, parlours in the estate, a hospital, sports complex, and international schools. But the Estate says, it cannot risk becoming a Najjera. Who knew that Najjera would now count for an insult?
Business of the Year: Small People, Big Gods aka Business Class Flyers
I do not know the dynamics of this business. But the people of Nkoks think more people ought to join this class. Mbu whatever you do, wherever you pass, once you arrive, your only statement should be; “small girl, big God. Small boy, big God.” Okay, on a serious note, that Kakande dude drummed Bonds into heads. He should be arrested, now we cannot even spend on our sures in peace. Just as you are asking her; ‘ozilabye’, you check X and he is like; “15-year bond about to open…” He is a threat to the consumptive side of the economic equation.
Worth Recognising
It would be mean of me, not to recognise my one and only Sheilah Gash. Not to recognise that the Nyash trend is finally behind us. That bubble has burst. I cannot forget Ugandans on LinkedIn (you really cooked this year). Oh dear, how could I forget the National Twins, abalongo baffe. And Mwami Natifu ne Tuleeva. Ehh, space issues. Out of nepotism, I also recognise my mechanic (onkozeemu nyo ssente this year), and my barber for that ka-pencil…okay and Rosie Baby, boss baby, editor omu bwati. Influenzas of Silo, do not be annoyed, you also worked.
X: @OrtegaTalks
