There is a new breed of Kampala women; it is cropping up everywhere. And the more you see it, the more you cannot unsee it.
You could even say, they are going to define the next decade of Uganda. Let us call this woman the Kampala Cosmopolitan Woman (KCW).
Just as you had the basummers, you had the Subaru drivers, you had the golfers, the Rotarians, you now have a new club in town of the KCWs.
Not that this club has a name, for a fact, they detest these names and identities, but for us to get somewhere, we must forwardly refer to them as the KCWs.
Who is a KCW?
Education: Chances are high she went through a girls’ only school, the kind that drill social graces into their students. Although her life could have started with a Makerere or Kyambogo, that was just the start.
As we speak, she has just graduated with an MBA from a top business school in Europe. You will either see her at Insead, at Said or at IESE. And while she was at it, she was also in the process of some top certification.
She is either a CFA in the making or pursuing a legal speciality. For the KCW, it is not done until there is more than two degrees in the bag.
Her Girlies
Of course, she has her gang of four; there for all seasons. And yes, you do not get to belong to this gang if you are not a KCW. They have attended each other’s graduation in turns.
Part of their ritual is to catch up somewhere in Tuscany or Vienna, have a dry martini, as one of them insists on her olives. Yes, the KCW is extra on things.
She has her oddities, but they speak not of ‘kajanja’ but of refinement. Yes, she swirls her wine and complains about the lack of character in Argentine Roses.
Her Instagram
You might be wondering why you have not seen the KCW’s sojourns anywhere. One of the rules of the KCWs is to lock their profiles. And to not go around garnering for followers.
Occasionally she forgets her social media logins. But in case she remembers to login, she will be posting a random sundowner in Madrid, with no face, and no mention of the place. Just a simple caption in French ‘Oh la la’. You could even say the KCW runs a covert operation.
Her investments
You will not find the KCW in your usual side hustles. No, she does not indulge. Everything comes down to her Excel spreadsheet.
She has already calculated the paybacks, discounted them, and settled on the better net present value (NPV). Now, she says, based on Moody’s risk ratings for the country, she has taken a five-year bond, and hedged it with another investment in her Revolut account plus her unit trust.
For the KCW, Uganda is just another option among her buckets. But for the sake of keeping a social face, she will belong to an investment club with some of her extended girlies so that when they meet up, they have more to talk about.
But in the true spirit of Kampala women, she never stops crying about ‘brokeness’. It is a way she keeps herself grounded. As though possessed, she offers a comment or two on Ugandan politics. But that is it, one or two comments. You see, Uganda is another of her many places. She could choose to commit elsewhere.
Nonetheless, she has convinced herself into setting up a resort at her home in Katakwi. Because she has eyes for opportunities that others cannot see.
The thing delaying her is her architect, forgetting that just this morning at midnight, she sent him a fresh idea of some wooden floors while she visited a rancher friend in Chipata.
And she insists on having catchups on Google meet, while she takes minutes and knocks off that item in her action log. Why not WhatsApp? She does not get that casual with professional work.
Her relationships
Now, the KCW is complex. She is as liberal, as conservative at the same time. It is a lack of refinement to make private matters public discussions.
She refrains from such topsy turvy distractions. But in case you want to propose, it must be simple and elegant, but all expressed in some Michelin-rated restaurant in the Alps. She has been to London, but she thinks it lacks the steam of Berlin.
Her brands
The thing about the KCW is the embodied quiet confidence aesthetic. She is not forcing it. When you arrive at any restaurant, she knows her menu. She will stress you with her sea food obsessions.
Her exactments of how she loves her tenderloin, why she prefers one broth to another. But do not get her started on the brands. She romanticises every part of her life, for her, every detail of her life must be planned.
She cannot even trust a travel agent with her travel plans. Because most travel agents have not worked around planes and cities like she has done. She has been to the Sistine Chapel and almost missed a plane waiting for her friend who was attending an annual meetup of gourmets.
When it comes to her fragrances, she will be telling you why Valentino Donna ‘Born in Roma’ did not cut it for her. That it was generic, the cashmeran base note gave undertones of Najjera petrichor. That she has now settled for Ataraxia. What is Ataraxia, you will ask? And she will smile to save you from embarrassment.
And mind you, for the KCW, she is always taking language classes. She has had something signed up at Alliance, but then her schedule did not make it. And the accent of the tutor was not giving. Now she has fully subscribed to a Duolingo alternative, but she has also been busy thinking about the SoFar event happening in CapeTown, but the South African embassy has delayed her visa. Then she will complain; “I will just withdraw my visa and book my flight to Canada; Passenger will be performing.”
Meanwhile she belongs to some rare internet forum where she thinks Tiffany rings lack the craftsmanship. Meanwhile the shoes on her feet, in all their ordinary flair, they’re from Brunello Cicinelli. And she wonders why we do not have professional housekeepers in Kampala. “Can you imagine they messed up my Lafateyye dress at that hotel you all praise?”
Her cars
She is generally not fond of driving. But she has had to make do with the VW Tiguan. As she discusses sustainability and artificial intelligence. For the KCW, this is her forte. She knows everything about the latest sustainability reporting frameworks except the ‘charcoal’ that prepared her steamed matooke delicacy.
Anyway, her mechanic has a proper website and logs every detail about her car. And she even tips her based on her classing 7.8 percent. Why 7.8 percent? Well, because she once tasted this craft beer in Edinburg, it was hoppy, and it was 7.8 percent. Since then, she tips 7.8 percent. And did I tell you about her self-care routine? Not just her Stanley cup (which she is now abandoning since every Kampala corporate girl has one). I mean, her full bathroom assortment, her cleansers, her moisturisers. The only time she settled was for Yves Rocher. But she never compromises.
Her personality
Despite all this about her, she is completely muffled about it. She will jump on a boda, explore Kampala and even insist on her Shs500 change. She adores her pork ears and kikalayi while playing it cool with her ‘friends’.
But again, we can clearly see, how she avoids the pieces with the kigodo, and then rushes out (not because of a meeting as she says) because she will not be caught using those toilets with the broken tiles, and a ka-piece of soap that looks underfed by the hundreds of fingers that roll it in their palms.
She is also a friend you can count on. And she will throw gigs towards her friends but bargain to the core (remember the Kampala motto of pleading infinite brokenness). She loves to read, watch a podcast or two, but she also has doubts about many things and people. Why? Because she knows there are not many of her kind, yet her kind will not be found doing content.
She loves deep conversations, but dare not catch her on hills. There she will take it personal. Speaking of books, it is not self-help. She loves rabbit holes. Her therapist permitted her to lean into her shadow. So, she is moving from a Sylvia Plath to an Elena Ferrante and then to Clarice Lispector. But still makes provisions for Jane Austen and Emily Bronte.
Somehow, while at Gayaza or Gungas, it was Pride and Prejudice that held her. We have skirted around the KCW’s music. She moves around genres, the same way she moves around cities. She will not forget Lauryn Hill, Sade, but for some reason, she will have a Taylor Swift or a Beyonce, or an Adele or a Rihanna… why? We cannot explain. Mbu it is the thing that moderates her spotify playlists. And yes, she is not on TikTok, she hangs around Substack, keeps the TV on Bloomberg (to impress a visitor or two), and swears she is an ardent fan of the Air Crash investigation.
Her Aunty Role
But she also loves to play Aunty to her other siblings’ children until she realises that they work up her ‘OCD’. Yes, part of a KCW’s work is to diagnose themselves with something that shows a meticulous obsession for the finer details in life. She has taken on baby-sitting as a hobby but often must silence these nephews and nieces as she does her check-in during the online review meeting. “Arrrgggh, can you hear me? My bads, the toddlers are around, you know, you gerrit…”
Now, by this time, if you are reading this and cannot relate, you are yet to see a KCW or become one. They are still a rare species, the kind that speak their percentages in basis points. Count them at around 99 KCWs in Uganda. And something about KCWs, they are first Europeans before they are Ugandans.
Disclaimer:
This said, for all the KCWs known to this ka-writer, this was never about you. Listen to some good nocturnes. I will still plug you on the best rolex nyanya-mbisi whenever you are around, Lovely.
She will jump on a boda, explore Kampala and even insist on her Shs500 change. She adores her pork ears and kikalayi while playing it cool with her ‘friends’. But again, we can clearly see, how she avoids the pieces with the kigodo, and then rushes out because she will not be caught using those toilets with the broken tiles.
