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Boarding school: How are parents coping with loneliness?
A child reports back to boarding school. Photo/Isaac Kasamani
What you need to know:
- Home has been lively with children around for many years. They play, fight, scream and run around. Now that they have joined boarding school, it is an empty nest. Home does not feel like home anymore. How are you coping with children being away?
Sam and Brenda have two sons. Marcus, the eldest, has just joined a university in Malaysia to pursue a degree in computer engineering, while Jonathan, the youngest, has just joined Senior One in a boarding school in Kenya.
While both parents were excited about these developments for their children, they were not prepared for the loneliness that comes with the territory. “Yes, the noise is gone, but so is the comfort of knowing that you have your “babies” around you all the time.
While I wanted them gone yesterday, I found myself unexpectedly crushed by feelings of profound loss and helplessness. I have always thought of myself as a hard mum, but nothing prepared me for this emotional separation with my children.” Brenda says.
For parents like Sam and Brenda, who have had to return their children to boarding school, this feeling is not uncommon or abnormal. Thoughts such as “What is my child eating now, has he or she tucked in their mosquito net, have they bathed, are they being bullied, how are they coping without me…can torment any sane parent. So how do you cope if you are such a parent?
Acknowledge the change
“I dropped my daughters at the boarding school this term and as soon as I turned my back to leave, I could feel a sudden sense of fear and panic sweep over me. Now these feelings are not limited to mothers; we fathers feel the same way too but maybe to a lesser degree,” says Gavin a father of two primary boarding school-going kids. The first step in coping with the absence of your child is to accept that you miss him or her and while that can be stressful, it is normal. From that point on, then you can begin to work out your feelings, taking care that you are managing yourself well emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Let go of your child
This is a tough ask for parents who are possessive of their children or those who find their identity in their role as parents. Take the child away and you will have taken away the parent’s self-esteem and purpose.
Daisy has had her son away in the UK for three years now. She says, “My sense of identity was hopelessly tied to being a mother to Calvin. So when he left for school, my world was shaken at the core. Saying “goodbye” to him at the airport was the hardest parting words I have ever said to him.
As time has gone past, I have had to unlearn that and I keep reminding myself that he is growing and I cannot keep him folded in my arms forever. He has to live his life the way he chooses. I have done my part in raising him. The rest is up to him.”
Keep in touch
It is helpful to be in contact with the school administration or someone like a teacher in the school, who can always give you access to talk to your child, so you can know how they are managing, especially if it is their first time in boarding school.
Jackie, a mother to a Primary Seven daughter Liz, who has just joined boarding school as mandatory for all candidate classes in her school, says, “I consider myself a “helicopter parent” (something I am not particularly proud of!). I am, however, learning to give my children breathing space.
Liz’s mixed boarding school experience is triggering a myriad of thoughts in my head. To keep sane, I have the dormitory matron’s number in speed dial, so I keep in touch with my daughter. I talk to her before she goes to bed to know how her day has been. The first week was tough for both of us, but we are adjusting,” she says.
Create a distraction
Join a social club or start a hobby. It does not help matters if you keep your mind preoccupied with thoughts about your absent child. Rather create a distraction to take your thoughts away and channel that energy into things more productive. If you have always wanted to shed off some weight but school runs were making it impossible for you, how about you rekindle that now? Exercises, massage, read a book or join community projects.
“When Allan, my son, left for boarding school in South Africa, I suddenly found myself with loads of free time on my hands, being a stay-at-home mum.
I had been given custody of my son since the time his father and I divorced, while he was a baby of eight months. I have raised him as my full-time job. I shelved all my plans and passions to take care of him. His father has been doing the providing, while I do the nurturing. But after he left for school, I decided I was going to do the things I had always wanted to do and baking was high up on that list. I started to read and research about it and I am now convinced I know enough to start my own baking business soon.” Jenina, a mother of one shares.
Reconnect with your spouse
When children are present at home, they may create an atmosphere that is not private enough for some meaningful marital conversations between the parents, especially those who live in one or two-bedroomed homes. But when children are away, that is an opportunity for parents to catch up with each other. Gloria says: “When my four secondary school-going children are home for holidays, I invest all my energy in making sure they are happy. The downside to this is that it comes with shelving my spouse’s needs, after all, I tell myself, “It is just for a month”. Thankfully, my hubby understands. When they are gone back to school, we have three month couple time uninterrupted.”
It is a phase and you will get used
Children will always grow and leave home. This has been happening since time immemorial. And this should perhaps give you a sneak peek into what is likely to happen during retirement. You will wake up to empty house. All children will be gone to start their own lives. They will get married and start their own families and you will meet once a month or even once a year. How you prepare them and yourself to manage this transition is critical for how easy or hard it will be for you to cope with their absence.
