Dating dilemma: Should I stay or leave

Scovia Achan, a longtime friend, rang me early this week and we had a lengthy conversation. Reason? She was starting to get concerned about dating and despite the fact that she had dated a good number of men, things did not seem to work in her favour.

“I am exhausted. I am considering giving relationships a break. I have done everything. Nothing seems to work. I cannot be going through the same cycle over and over again,” she lamented.

As I listened to her frustrations, it occurred to me that it is possible to date for a long time without knowing which direction the relationship is taking. With time, you get trapped and you do not know whether to stick by or let go.

Dating is a time when you relate with someone of the opposite sex with the purpose of understanding them with the hope that you will end up married to them. Dating is intended to gauge each partner’s suitability to the other in a longterm relationship.  

Achan is not alone. Many have been dating for a while now and are wondering whether they should continue with the relationship or quit. Here are signs to tell you whether to stay or leave the relationship.

Complementarity

When you meet a potential spouse, one of the things you look out for is their ability to complement rather than compete with you. “Opposites attract” may apply to magnetic poles but also to some extent to relationships. Opposite personality traits are usually attracted to each other.

For example, an introverted man may be drawn to an extroverted woman. You want someone to buffer your weak areas and bring out your strong points. If you are not complementary in some areas, personality clashes will take a toll on your relationship.

Loss of interest

The relationship started on a good note. It was a dream come true. Over time, the rubber met the road, the spark has disappeared and you are struggling to keep up appearances with it. For some relationships, it can be a season or patch of time that this is happening and it can be sorted and stabilised.

But if it is prolonged, it is better to quit. If you do not miss them, do not want to hang around them, do not want to talk to them, do not want to fight for the relationship, you argue all the time over the most trivial of things, or if they secretly begin another relationship,  it is time to check out.

Lack of support for one’s life goals

 “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” Prophet Amos asks in his book, Chapter 3:3. If the relationship gets in the way of your major life goal, be it academic, is constrained or not supported by your partner, being jealous or insensitive, or domineering and selfish, you may need to think twice about it.  A healthy relationship should allow each partner to thrive in their area of gifting. Some partners sacrifice their goals in the immediate for the other partner’s long-term benefit.

Fear of leaving after investing

Many fear to leave a relationship after a long time, even when it is not bearing the expected fruit. This is akin to the “sunk cost effect” in business and investment; “the general tendency for people to continue pursuing an option, if they have invested time or money or some resource in it.” - Christopher Olivola, an assistant professor of marketing and the author of a 2018 paper on the topic Psychological Science. The losses continue to pile but you delude yourself that you have already invested in anyway. After weighing options, be bold enough to stay or leave. 

 Not ready to commit to marriage

The whole purpose of dating should be to gauge if your partner is suitable for you in marriage. You have been in this relationship for 10 years and your partner is not showing signs of commitment. Every time you bring up this topic, he is not comfortable talking about it.

If he attempts to, he will give all manner of excuses. On his list of priorities, you are like the 100th item.  He has a conviction that there is nothing in a ring. After all, those with rings divorce anyway. Truth is, you are wasting your time with them. Have a candid conversation with them and if the relationship has no future, move on.

Mentors, friends, and family

Why would friends and family matter? They know you well. They have been with you long enough and can read you like a book. If their opinion of your relationship is negative, it may be right for you to sit down and evaluate your decision before making a permanent move. 

Violence, toxicity or addictions

 If there is verbal or physical violence even if your partner is dependable or shows positive traits, you are better off walking away. It pays you no reward to stay in an abusive relationship. A partner may also be addicted to drugs, sex, pornography or anything and they are damaging to you emotionally and physically or being wasteful of the little available finances. It may be time to pull the curtain on that relationship.  

Rev Michael Agaba is a theologian, marriage counsellor, and parenting coach