Do not shy away from talking money in your relationship

Purity Nabasa, an entrepreneur, believes in saving money. Once her bills are paid, she will save every coin on her.  Nabasa is driven by big financial goals and as such, she has cut off friendships and acquaintances that strain her financially and promote extravagance.

Her husband, on the other hand, is a spendthrift. He is the type that spends Shs400,000 in one night buying beer for friends in the bar.  “My husband is a big spender. For the years we have been married, he has not secured money for development projects of our family,” she says.

Nabasa shoulders most of the financial responsibilities at home, a thing she says is straining her marriage.

In their book, Money and Marriage, James Abola and Joy Mirembe share lessons and experiences that couples encounter because of finances, especially where couples have discordant financial beliefs.

The book opens our eyes to the kind of  pressure finances exert on a couple with different financial beliefs or goals.

 “Have your spouse’s financial interests at heart because when they prosper, you equally benefit.  When they fail financially, you will fail with them,” reads an excerpt from Money and Marriage.

Most couples are facing challenges because they have incompatible financial beliefs. Dr Eunice Adubango, a financial coach and counsellor, recommends dividing roles and agreeing on the bills each person should pay in order to manage financial stress.

 “The husband can take care of rent and school fees, while the wife buys food and clothes. Also agree on how much to spend on extended family needs because those can potentially cause disagreements,” Adubango says.

Where does your money go? This is a question men often ask women. As we discuss money matters in relationships, it is important to note that people’s needs differ. What one considers to be important may out-rightly come off as extravagance in the eyes of another.

A woman may want to spend money on expensive shoes, jewellery or even perfume. A man, on the other hand, may fancy an expensive car even when the couple is still renting.

Saviour Nakakembo, a financial coach, insists  that when couples pool money towards a certain goal, it takes away power issues because both are contributing and have shared goals.

Nakakembo notes that discordance in financial beliefs and in relationships maybe a result of financial illiteracy.

“We have different theories about money; our knowledge gap on how we solve money problems is real. Our backgrounds and family interferences have far reaching implications on a couples’ finances,” she says.

Money beliefs

According to research by professors at Kansas State University, there are four classifications of money beliefs namely money avoidance, money status, money worship and money vigilance.

Money avoiders tend to view money as a source of fear, anxiety, or disgust and often have beliefs that wealthy individuals are greedy. Money avoiders believe money is  the root of all evil.

Money worshipers believe that having more money will solve all of their problems and money is the key to happiness. People with money status belief systems tend to define their self-worth by their financial net worth. They also place a great deal of emphasis on buying the hottest new items.

Money vigilance is associated with frugality and people tend to focus on saving enough for emergencies. A common belief for the money vigilant is that people should work hard for their money and not expect financial handouts.

Kathleen Burns Kingsbury, in her book titled Breaking Money Silence highlights ways in which couples can overcome financial incompatibility.

Some signs that couples are financially incompatible include hiding purchases or debt.

“It might be a symptom of trust issues in the relationship. Your compatibility also comes down to your willingness to talk or not talk about money,” Kingsbury points out.

Reflection

Before discussing money issues with your partner, take the time to think about how you feel money should be used and its purpose in your life. Understanding your own perspective can lead to more thoughtful conversations instead of arguments.

Talk about money

Learning to talk about money helps couples to overcome the instinct to avoid the subject. By talking about positive things, you can learn more about your partner and have a more positive discussion.

Be willing to see their partner’s perspective. It’s not about winning, it’s about understanding each other. More complicated decisions such as buying a new property or making a large investment require a series of conversations.

Evaluate family budget and bills

Set aside time during the week or month to evaluate your budget and bills together. Couples may want to also include a fun activity, such as a vacation to provide extra motivation.

Additional reporting by cnbc.com