Don’t wait for your child to ask about sex, educate them

She must have been about 10 years old. She sat across me in my aunt’s sitting room. I had visited them. She is my cousin. We were prattling about many things but nothing in particular when she bluntly asked me: “What is sex?” Being careful not to give away my shock and naivety, I responded with a question, that I later learnt was the most intelligent to ask in that moment:  “Has mum or dad ever talked to you about this subject?” She answered in the negative. 

Sex in many African cultures is spoken of in proverbs, sexual organs are referred to using euphemisms, perhaps to conceal its sacrosanct nature. I believe it is for this reason God in the Bible can talk about any and all body parts and call them by their names except when it comes to our private parts.

If culture killed the conversation about sex, religion buried it.

The Roman Catholic view of sex during the middle ages was that “It restricted it to less than five days out of seven; on Thursday in memory of our Lord, on Friday in commemoration of his death, on Saturday in honour of the Blessed virgin, on Sundays in honour of the resurrection, and on Mondays in honour of the faithful departed. They left just two days for the couple to enjoy their sexual intimacy.”

Such views may not directly hold for you but you may subscribe to them unconsciously. And they will have a negative effect on how you share sexuality education with your child, if at all you do.

I do not advocate for an all-out erotically sizzling conversation without regard to proper decorum, cultural considerations, and age appropriateness of a child, but, I think an informed and intentional sexual education approach can be used to help our children coming of age with enough resources to help them navigate through a maze of misinformation about this important and certainly sacrosanct topic that is sex. We must, as parents, start conversations about sex with our children or someone else will.

In our traditional societies, children were sent to their maternal uncles (if they were boys) and to paternal aunties (if they were girls) for this role but with urbanisation and migrations, the extended family unit has been torn apart, leaving room for all manner of organisations to come in and pretend to care so much about children that they teach them what sexuality is. But we must parent our children. It takes galactic effort.

 “Mothering and fathering are not just things we do. Being a mother or father is who we are,” counsels Jennifer Senior, in her book,  All Joy and No Fun: The paradox of Modern Parenting.     

Foundations for sexuality education

(a) Sex may result into making babies,

(b) Sex is for adults in committed relationships

(c) Sex mirrors the relationship God has with his people. 

Some helpful tips

Seize teachable moments

There are numerous opportunities to teach about sexuality. For example, when you are watching TV and that advert or song comes on that is sexual in nature, when mummy or neighbour is pregnant, when bathing the children, etc. You can communicate sexual information in an indirect, modest way commensurate with a child’s age. At about five to 10 years of age, all they probably want to know is not the mechanics of sex but a simple, “God created sex for mummy and daddy to bring forth babies.”   

Become the askable parent

Most of our parents were not approachable about the subject of sex. You dared not ask them so we asked our peers who, for the most part, told us what was inaccurate. I concede this conversation can be difficult and uncomfortable for you as a parent but that is okay.     

Keep your ear to the ground

Children have questions and feelings. Sometimes they are experiencing body changes and need someone to explain to them. Sometimes they are being sexually violated by someone older such as an uncle or a maid and they have been sternly warned to keep quiet about it. As a parent, you need to engage with them about what they are going through. If your child has an unusual discharge from their private parts, if your child gets interested in sexual matters earlier than they are expected to, if your child’s conversations are about sex most of the time, then you may have indication that something is wrong. Investigate.   

Age-appropriate answers

Sexuality education is a process, not an event. You cannot overload so much on a child just because you want them to know or because you fear someone will beat you to it or because everyone is talking about it.   

Initiate the conversation

Do not wait for your child to ask you. Some children will never ask. They may naturally be introverted. You can start like this: “I have seen that advert and I wonder what you think about it.”

Rev Michael Agaba is a theologian, marriage counselor, and parenting coach at AGLOW