Excessive jealousy will ruin your relationship

David has been married to Mary for a while now. Their relationship has largely been happy except there is a problem. Ever since he learnt of her romantic past, he has changed.

She had a number of sexual partners before she met him, that resulted into three children with three different fathers and though she confesses she loves him and he is devoted to her, he is rattled by hefty fits of jealousy. Quietly, he broods over her past to the point of worry and this is threatening their relationship.      

Jealousy is a protective reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship (Clanton, 1981). From an evolutionary perspective, jealousy is aimed at solving a range of adaptive problems, including finding a mate, forming romantic and sexual relationships and guarding the relationship partner from potential intrasexual rivals, according to Shackelford & Maner, 2008.

Jealousy often involves three or more people. According to some studies, men and women have the same occurrence of jealousy but react differently; men will most likely feel jealousy when their partners are sexually unfaithful whereas women will feel jealous when their partners are emotionally unfaithful. We all get a twinge of jealousy once in a while and this is a first person normal emotion but there is jealousy that is more than a pang and is an unhealthily obsession with your partner’s sexual and romantic past before they met you. This is called retroactive or retrograde jealousy. It is considered another form of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). This jealousy can be toxic and dangerous if not managed well and can break an otherwise good relationship. 

Signs of retroactive jealousy include irrational fear,  excessive desire to snoop on your partner’s e-mails, phone and social media activities for clues about their sexual and romantic past.

Envy, anger, disgust,doubt, quizzing a partner about their past, loss of respect for and spiteful treatment of a partner based on their past and this may manifest in their denigrating treatment of them, obsessive comparisons between yourself and your partner’s exes and critical judgment are also other signs of retroactive jealousy.

Are you wondering what causes retroactive jealousy? Well, if you have knowledge about your partner’s exes, you are likely to use it inadvertently as fuel for your actions. Some sources say some people have genes that make them more prone to emotional insecurity than others.  

People who have self-doubt often compare themselves with their partner’s exes and this wormhole experience can spirals into depression. A person who has been cheated on in the past may most likely have trust issues. If you are in a serious relationship, jealousy is something you must guard against. So, how do you deal with it? 

Accept you are jealous

This is always the first step in overcoming the problem. Face the problem head-on, admit to it and then start the process to overcome it. Identifying why you are jealous, your triggers, and squarely asking yourself questions to resolve it is a great starting point.

Talk to your partner

Talk to your partner about it. They probably bring up conversations about their past oblivious that they are fomenting jealous feelings and stressing you. Gently talk to them without blaming them. Tell them how it makes you feel. If they love you, they will stop.  

Avoid digging up the past

 We all make mistakes. Your partner is no exception. They might have compromised or made some really bad relationship decisions. Rather than allow yourself to dig up their past on social media or through their friends, choose to focus on building your relationship and let bygones be bygones.

They are probably making a similar choice. You cannot hold them hostage to their past indiscretions and forget to enjoy the present experience. You could both choose not to talk about your past relationships, especially things that have no bearing on your current relationship.  

Forgive and move on

You may not know or even appreciate your partner’s past and what they had to put up with to survive. It may have been an overbearing father who raped them, or a one nightstand that resulted into a child, or lack of a loving home that pushed them to the street to do what they had to do to survive. Put yourself in their shoes and empathise with them. You may be pleasantly surprised to discover that if it were you in similar circumstances, you probably would do worse.

Do not use your partner’s past

We tend to open up about our inner struggles when we are in love,. When someone confides in you, it is your love duty to keep those unpleasant mistakes confidential, especially during an argument. When arguing with your neighbour, do not betray another person’s secret. (Proverbs 25:9). You could even agree on the boundaries of arguments and choose not to mention past personal mistakes.

Self- love

 Retroactive jealousy comes with self-hatred. Remind yourself that you have something special your partner needs or they would not have left others for you. Talk to yourself and affirm your worth. Keep a positive but not exaggerated sense of self. Do not allow feelings of fear and depression to afflict you.