How do you deal with a partner who lacks ambition? 

You want to go forward in your academic pursuits but your partner does not understand it and is opposed to it. You want to invest in a particular business but they will not let you.

And you are sucking on your thumb and telling everyone they are retrogressive or someone’s favourite word, saboteurs. But maybe, maybe they have better knowledge and experience than you in that area and though you may want to rush in, they are reluctant to support you.

Would you not benefit from their input? That seems to be the logical answer. But there are cases where you invest your hard-earned money into something and rather than manage the business, your partner squanders it all.

You plan for the family and save but your partner gambles or drinks all of it. You have settled down and want to have kids but your partner is a “Peter Pan” who refuses to grow up but rather lives the life of a party.

What do you do? You are wasting your time, emotions, effort, and money and you want to address these issues. Your significant other is not only wasteful but also in direct opposition, which can be interpreted as being retrogressive. Here are suggestions that might help you and the relationship:  

Find out their motive

Why are they opposed to you? Are they afraid, jealous or insecure of your success that they will do anything to sabotage it? Are they scared that whatever you want to do will disturb their peace or stability of the family?

What is their world view or belief system and why are they opposed to yours? Do they understand the issues at hand or are they acting out of ignorance? What informs their decisions and judgments? A little digging into their relationships with their siblings or family or friends even ex lovers will help you find an answer to this question. A little study of their personality can help.  

Set boundaries

 If they are crappy with money, it is not their fault. Financial management is not taught at school. Keep it away from them. Find someone competent to manage it; a friend, relative, worker or you or money will be the deal breaker of your marriage. According to research, marriage partners fight over money more than they fight over sex. If they get intimidated and angry or hurt their ego by your associations with those they think are so above them, then do not bring them into those circles even when you know it might be helpful. Gently and over time, however, explain that those social circles are not intimidating but comfortable to be around. They might learn a thing or two.   

Allow them time to grow

Some people begin off immature, but with time they may grow to embrace what they initially opposed. Growth emotionally, intellectually, and physically is part of the process of marriage growth. If they need more intellectual stimulation, and you are able to pay their tuition, then take them back to school or pay for the particular knowledge-competence skill they lack or are passionate about.  

Recruit them as allies

This might sound difficult but it is not. You just have to be wise in dealing with your spouse. I think marriage is like politics; not in the art of telling lies, but in managing people. Some spouses find trouble bringing their partners on board on a project. They walk the journey alone only involve their partners at the tail end of it. Who would not oppose you at that point?

Depending on your spouse and how you understand them, involve them right from the start. Think with them. That is why you are a team. You should have shared goals. Let your spouse be an equal partner in the relationship and know what you are “cooking”. If you need help or run into trouble, they will be the first and probably last to stand with you.

If a matter is too difficult for them to understand at ago, explain it piecemeal over time. Let them absorb it and clarify any of their questions. What you may think is opposition or retrogression on their part might be actually be an inner cry from them to want to know what is going on so they can offer help.         

Communicate, negotiate

Your partner is not a competent decipher of your thoughts. Talk through the issue, tactfully. Do not attack them. It will only get them to be defensive and adamant. If one partner controls the purse-strings of the family, or brings in the biggest cheque, but is at the same time financially irresponsible, how about the other partner handling the family’s finances? You can agree to share roles depending on each partner’s strengths. It is not written in stone that the husband must handle money and the wife, babysitter. Unlearn unhelpful tradition in regard to your marriage, if that is what is to you and create your own marriage traditions.    

Put your foot down

For some things, you will have to put your foot down and take your stand if you are convinced it is in your best interest. Even the best partner may sometimes never understand your heart. Forgive them and find it in yourself to meet your own needs without them.

And if children are involved, do not be shy to take the family wheel and steer the car to the destination you think is desirable. I saw my mother do it while my father watched her in subdued silence and we are glad she did. Had she not, we would not have gone to school.