How do you plan to make your spouse happier today?

James and Jane have been married for 15 years now. They are blessed with three children. They are doing well in all other aspects of their professional work and raising their children but their marriage is close to stale; 

“We no longer go out as we used to.” They both agree. 

“I think the coming of the kids has curtailed us in many ways. We care so much for them that we don’t care about ourselves.” Jane volunteers an explanation before James adds; “We love each other we would not think of cheating but the desire for each other is average, and dull if not stale. I sometimes look at newlyweds and wish we went back to that time.”    

James and Jane are not alone. After the blissful moment has worn off, many couples get caught up in this pattern and if not helped can end up separated yet the measures to get out of the rut are simple. 

It was Judith Babirye who sang, “Obuntu Obutono” (translated as “small things”) in which she means that it is the small things that one does that are seeds that win the heart of your lover). She could not have been more right. It is the small things that keep the spark in a marriage or relationship. 

Surprisingly, they cost little to nothing but a great imagination and effort to pull them off and have a great married life: Here are some suggestions for you and your spouse to focus on each other: 

The four magic words
“Please”, “thank you”, “you’re welcome”, and “I’m sorry” are four magic words we like to teach our children at an early age to say to others but how about we said them to the people that matter to us—our spouses? They communicate sensitivity and good etiquette among people who live together. It is so easy to take the people you live with for granted that you forget to be polite to them. These words used with the right tone and intention, will no doubt bring back the spark into your marriage.  

Small gifts
A Range rover as a gift to your person is a fabulous idea, make no mistake about it, but how many of us can afford it for our spouse? Well, cut your coat according to your cloth. A gift is not meant to show off how much you can afford but to show the person you care about that they matter and if a handkerchief can communicate that, then let it be.    

Talk, talk, and talk some more

The first thing that suffers in relationships is usually communication. Calling each other during the day is a great way to start. Checking on each other out of no reason really than you care is a good excuse. Flirt if you have to. Every mobile phone network gives huge call bundles these days and the reason you may not call your partner should be something like you don’t want to and not because you don’t have calling minutes.

A simple, “I am thinking about you” whether, by call, text, or Whatsapp is good enough to excite your spouse. And when you get to be together for a longer time, you can talk some more. We make the mistake of thinking that our spouses remain the same people we met when we married them but on the contrary, they grow and change through life’s different experiences and the acquisition of new knowledge. As a partner, communication is one way you keep up with your partner and it will ignite your spark as you discover the new them.   

Short intimate moments
It would be perfect for you to have plenty of time to have long intimate moments with your spouse in the comfort of your bedroom but it is not possible all of the time because of the many demands on your time and responsibilities, like caring for the children, work, community service, etc. However, you can improvise with short moments made meaningful; different locations, different styles, different times, be less predictable all can be magical as long as you both are willing to be creative.  

Give a helping hand
I know some cultures have assigned different gender roles but when it comes to marriage, your marriage, some of that garbage must go out of the window if your marriage is going to be more important to you than your culture. It is unproductive for us husbands to be a burden to our wives; when we cannot lift a finger to help them. If your wife permits you, throw off your shoes, relax, then hit the sink and wash the dishes, or carry the crying baby while you watch Manchester United lose to Liverpool. It will not diminish your manhood. 

Take evening walks together
You enjoyed every walking distance when you were dating you wished you walked longer then rather than drive because you wanted more time with them. But after marriage and a couple of kids along the way, like James and Jane, you now feel shy to walk with them. That should not be. Walking is a great way to talk and also exercise. It is a great way to spend time together without the children. You can even plan a romantic getaway for a day or weekend depending on your pocket.    

Unite around common interests
While you may have different interests, there are always points of convergence common to you both or you would not be married. In the time you have grown apart, maybe you have become too independent of each other. 

Do you want the spark back? Ignite the friendship that got you doing things together. Research shows that couples who are friends are more satisfied in marriage than those who are not and that emotional intimacy is many times more important than physical intimacy. Whenever you do something together, you are better than if you were separate.