How intellectual mismatch will affect your relationship

You may not achieve perfect intellectual compatibility, but with some intentionality, you can have a better relationship than if you did not try. PHOTO / NET

What you need to know:

  • You do not have to know the same things. You do not even have to know everything. But be open to learning. Their favourite topics may be boring but do not zone out. Engage and learn something new.  

I attended a prayer meeting one night and the preacher shared with us how God had led him to marry a woman who is not educated, yet he is a graduate. Despite protestations from his family and friends, he told us, he had gone on to marry her. He told us they were happily married several years later. And this was a testament that he had made the right choice.

In matters where God is involved, there is little argument and this preacher’s example is not common to us all, but the point was made. Two people with nothing in common academically, but having a successful marriage. 

In relationships, compatibility is important. Compatibility is a sense of shared stimuli, a sense of shared values such as faith, generosity and physical chemistry.

Intellectual chemistry

Intellectual compatibility then is the sense that two partners are stimulated by the same intellectual pursuits, topics, and conversations. Call it intellectual chemistry or intellectual intimacy.  

At the mention of the word relationship deal breakers, we often think of infidelity, domestic violence, disrespect and infertility, but rarely do we pay attention to intellectual incompatibility.

Does it matter anyway to relate with someone whom you are not intellectually compatible with? Does intellectual compatibility mean a doctor marrying a lawyer or an engineer marrying teacher? Or are we confusing education with intellect? Does intellectual mismatch affect relationships? Yes and no and here is why:     

Mutual respect

Respect for one another and their opinion matter, if a relationship is to thrive and last. You do not have to agree all the time, but allow room for disagreements out of respect. Each partner brings a set of strengths and weaknesses to the table called marriage and how you corporately manage them determines how healthy that relationship will be.

One elderly couple, friends of mine, told me that they each bring something to the relationship; “I need her and she needs me. I bring the ability to strategise long-term and paint the big picture while she brings the ability to organise and manage the nitty-gritty daily. She is also good at nourishing the relationships we make. I would never have time for them”, he told me.

He is a professor with extensive knowledge in research and writing.  She is a stay-at-home mum. If, however, there is no respect in that relationship and one partner does not care about the feelings and opinions of the other, then a break-up is inevitable.           

Communication

 Sexual attraction and love will go so far, but lack of enriching conversation will break down a relationship faster than good sex and love will. We all like a good conversation unless you are an introvert who likes to keep to yourself. Have you ever sat with someone and had a conversation and you came off feeling wow! You did not even know them, but you understood each other perfectly. In an intellectually compatible relationship, there is full sharing of rights, humour, easiness and freedom with which each partner feeds off the other.

There is intellectual equality even if one is better educated than the other. If, however, all you have is superficial talk, every sentence or thought has to be carefully weighed first, sieved for its meaning before it can be said for fear of being misunderstood or put down, if every humor or banter generates anxiety and edginess rather than peace or has to be explained, if one partner acts teacher and the other student, if one partner is perennially wrong and the other perennially right, then that relationship is headed in a dark place. 

Support

An intellectually balanced relationship thrives on complementarity than competition. Partners are constantly learning new ideas to better the relationship.  They are a team that works together to win. They act to grow together. They accept their fault lines and support each other. They are like a well-oiled wheel. But couples that are intellectually incompatible compete with each other.

 They are more enemies than allies. The success of one intimidates and angers the other, breeding jealousy and resentment. They are always manipulating each other. They are settling scores with each other.      

You can work on it

Your relationship has been stuck in a rut for a while now, but you care that it improves. You seem not to connect with your partner intellectually but you desire to foster it. How do you improve intellectual compatibility in your relationship?

Give conversations depth

 It is possible to live with someone and you do not know them deeply but superficially. If you care about being compatible with your partner, give them no reason to turn to their friends and family to discuss important subjects, especially those that concern you.

Be the answer to your partner’s intellectual intimacy questions. Experiment with deep subjects and pick their mind on them. Ask them about their goals, their fears, and past life experiences.

Probe them without being overly intrusive and judgemental. And when they share, be willing to listen without interrupting them. You are seeking to understand them.

Find common denominators

You will not always agree on everything, but you can agree on some things. You have a pet peeve for Kadongo Kamu music, but you like Hip-hop. Let that not divide you. Allow them space to be themselves, but find those things or interests you share and enjoy them together. It can be outdoor activities, events, giving to the poor, or watching the latest series. As you share, you are strengthening the other aspects of your relationship.