How often do you talk to your partners about finances?

Mary is a charming, socially active woman and a church enthusiast. Everyone in the community considers her to be the “Proverbs 31” woman.

All is fine on the outside but things are falling apart from the inside. She is irritable, suffers from insomnia, and withdraws from relationships and this condition has gone on for a long time.     

For many couples, money is one of the topics rarely discussed. We can talk about the lock, stock and barrel; past relationships, old schools, friends in common, favourite things, jobs, family history, and much more but almost invariably the discussion on finances is rarely brought up until it rears its ugly head. For some reason, we naively assume it will take care of itself.

Be open to each other. 

Have no “money secrets.” Come clean on your finances; assets and debts. You do not want to be blindsided by unknown debt when it is too late. Numerous stories abound of couples finding out about the other’s debt when the house is up for sale and court brokers have interrupted your tranquil life.

Share your financial history and life

Our upbringing has a way of colouring our present in both positive and negative ways. If you often squabble about finances, try to figure out why your partner saves money or why they spend the way they do, says Kathleen Burns Kingsbury, author of How to Give Financial Advice to Couples. Start off easy with questions such as “What’s your first money memory?” or “How did you spend your allowance?” suggests Kingsbury.

Move on to, “What is the best thing you learned about money from your parents?” and “What’s one thing they taught you that you want to leave behind?” For some of us, our first money memory was of spending. As soon as you were given a coin as child, you run off to the shop to buy sweets or chapatti.

This template of consumption expenditure unfortunately carries on with us even into adulthood and into marriage. You work for ten years and have zero savings and zero investments and lots of credit from banks and friends. You are like someone who runs on a treadmill; you work very hard and sweat your pores out but can hardly make financial progress. Some of this comes down to your personality.

Grow your money comfort level.

Other people call it a money blueprint. Every one of us has one. This is the amount of money that you are able to comfortably possess. It is actually a specific amount. For some people it is in hundreds, others in thousands, yet others in billions.  This money comfort level works like a thermostat. If you know how a refrigerator or flat iron or electric kettle or electric oven works, it is that mechanism that ensures that the fridge does not cool below a certain temperature or that the flat iron set to iron silk clothes does not burn them instead. The best illustration of a thermostat is the air conditioning in a room. If you set the temperature to 23 degrees Celsius, whether it is very hot or very cold outside the room, the temperature will remain 23 degrees Celsius inside. Every time you come into possession of more money than your money comfort level can handle, your sub-conscious mind (where the money comfort level resides) will try to get rid of the excess money so that you go back to your comfort level. Likewise when you have less money than your money comfort level, you will find yourself restless and you will do everything to get more money. The reason why most lottery winners lose all the money they won within two or less years is because of a low money comfort level. You can find out how to grow your money comfort level by reading Eddie Kigozi’s work book, Simplifying Financial Reality: Why your financial life is the way it is.

Grow your financial literacy

In his book, Straight Forward Financial Growth, Moses Mukisa illuminates the reader on why we need financial literacy in order to not only manage our finances more effectively but to grow it. He emphasises the need to increase our knowledge by reading books, listening to audios and video messages, attending money management seminars, and to do whatever it takes to grow in this area. I have learnt from financial experts that if you save 20 per cent of your salary at 12 per cent return on investment per annum starting at 23 years of age, you will be wealthy and financially free at 40 years of age. If you save without investing, your money will lose value and expenses will come and eat into your savings and you will be left with nothing. Money, if well invested, will work harder for you than you can ever work for it. 

Team up to grow your financial base

Money does not grow in piggy banks. It only grows when you invest it. In the same way that holding shares in a lucrative business enterprise can be very profitable (if one is careful and diligent about where, or with whom, to invest) making financial decisions together as a couple can be very fruitful. In almost every case, two are better than one. You’ve probably heard of the scripture that says one can chase a thousand but two can chase ten thousand (Deuteronomy 32:20).

Lay out your financial priorities and goals together.

As obvious as it may seem to all, it is common that couples are not setting common goals and therefore not setting financial priorities. To achieve your goals, you first need to agree on what they are: building a house, saving for children’s education, etc.  Start by each of you independently listing your top goals, what you think your spouse’s top goals are, and what you think your top goals are together, says financial planner Jeff Motske, author of The Couple’s Guide to Financial Compatibility. When you’re done, share your lists to shape a joint plan.

Know when to ask for help.

If you began with limited financial knowledge or that you and your partner find money conversations contentious, you may want to bring in a financial planner to help you. There is no shame in doing so. It may not only save you from undue stress but could save your marriage too.

Rev. Michael Agaba is a theologian, Marriage Counsellor, and Parenting Coach.