How to identify gas-lighters in your life and stop them

We have all been manipulative at some point in our lives. We manipulate family, workmates, or friends. But there are moments when the manipulation can become serious, leading to toxic relationships.

Gas lighting is when someone intentionally causes you to second-guess yourself, or to deny the reality of the facts as you know them. An example is when Isaac, in Genesis 27, is about to die and sends his son Esau to prepare him his favourite stew, only for Rebekah to connive with her young son Jacob, who disguised himself as Esau and stole the blessing by gaslighting his father.      

Jane (not real name) shared a story during a fellowship that her boss used to delegate her on some projects to develop capacity for bigger assignments. Along the way, I sat him down and explained. “  My husband always told me I was worthless and dense and I believed him. But for the first time, on this job, I feel like I am recovering something I lost—my identity.”  “So what happened to your relationship after?” The boss asked. “I separated from him.” She responded with an air of satisfaction. Jane had endured a narcissistic, abusive, and manipulative husband for 10 years. 

Emotional manipulators and gaslighters, however, did not begin with Jane’s husband. It began in the Garden of Eden when Satan manipulated Eve until Jesus came and redeemed us.    

Manipulators and gaslighters are emotionally broken, wounded people from dysfunctional families. They might have been wounded by their parents or those around them or might have been denied attention and love that the only way they got something was through manipulation. 

Signs you are being manipulated

You are often blamed for the wrong others have done. They play the victim on you. They make you responsible for their misfortunes. If, for instance, it is a family and the husband has a job but the wife doesn’t, the husband might say something like, “the water bill would have been paid on time if you had a job.” If they are not happy, you are the cause. If they are happy, you have done something good to please them. They make you feel responsible for fixing their bad moods.       

Threats of withholding something

They know your trigger buttons and know how to push them to get you subdued. They have studied you well like a specimen in a laboratory. You will be denied sex, conversation, money or basic things until their needs are met. They will give you the “silent treatment” and hold you in suspense until they have tormented you enough for you to cave in.    

Your opinion does not count

 They will shut you down as soon you start to speak. And you fear to express your opinion unless it agrees with theirs. You are always wondering, “What will they think of this?” You fear them so much you would rather have peace than confront them. Helen Smith, in her book, Men on Strike: Why men are boycotting Marriage, fatherhood, and the American dream and why it matters, writes, “Women are verbally more skilled and ready to manipulate others using these verbal skills. Men are not taught how to fight back verbally nor do they often want to; for some time, it is not their nature.”     

Guilt and worthlessness

 For one mistake you make, they will exploit it as capital for their benefit. They will not fail to remind you of your mistakes even after you apologised, even after a long time has passed after the event.    

You are a “yes” person

 You know they won’t take your “no” for an answer. You are always in agreement with them. You do not want to surprise them with a mind of your own. You are controlled and dominated. They do not suggest to you; they inform you.

You fear their tantrums, snide remarks and sharp-tongues. They will say hurtful things to you and claim they were joking or were unaware and they will say you are overly sensitive and you will accept it.        

Stop manipulation

If you have been manipulated for so long, you might not easily tell this vice. Ignore them. Refuse to recognise them or their anger. Their anger is their control tool over you.

Refuse to take the bait. They will be alright. Their happiness is their own to figure out, not you. You don’t owe them anything. You have no contract to make them happy. Give yourself permission to be selfish for once.

Draw the line

Confront them. You cannot keep quiet any longer. Even if they burst out and threaten, hold your ground. Refuse to budge. State your case and expectations politely and firmly.

Let them know manipulation and gaslighting behaviour will not be tolerated going forward or you will not take it.  If you do not set boundaries, you are giving people permission to treat you the way they like. 

Take your time

Do not be rushed to approve a deal or purchase or relationship or suggestion. Manipulators want quick thoughtless decisions from you for that is the only way they can control you.