How to wisely parent a blended family

What you need to know:

Blended: Blended families should know they are not alone. Jesus was raised by a “stepdad”; Joseph. As a parent, you too can wisely nurture your family to success. 

Lois was married to John. They had two children. Unfortunately, John died in a car accident after five years of a blissful marriage. After mourning her husband’s death for four years, Lois picked herself up, dated, and got married to Frank; a charming man who like Lois, came to the relationship with two children of his own from a previous relationship, except that for him, it was because of a divorce. The Merriam Webster dictionary defines this kind of family as a step or blended family.

No one sets out to have a blended family. It is one of those unfortunate things that accompany our fallen world where nothing in life is perfect. However, a blended family has some positives to it such as two incomes that are better than one. When two parents are earning high incomes, they can make better choices for family members. Also, a broader family experience with two parents each bringing to the table their individual strengths can benefit the children with a more wholesome experience than one parent can offer.

Complexities

Studies have shown that children from blended families are more likely to be at risk of behavioural problems than children from nuclear families because of the psychological and emotional dysfunctions that they are exposed to. Managing the emotional and psychological complexities of a blended family can be a daunting task for parents. Do the children feel equally loved and valued? Do all the children participate in the family’s affairs or do some feel left out? Is there a central authority to which all members are accountable? Do the two parents agree on one parenting style? These and more such questions are inherently asked of blended families. 

Elizabeth, who became a mother to seven young children after the death of their biological mother, and who has given birth to three of her own in this marriage, shared how tough a job it was at the beginning of her blended parenting experience. “I knew Christopher was the right man for me while I dated him and yes, I accepted his situation but nothing prepared me for the challenge of mothering his children. It was like being thrown into the deep end of a swimming pool and asked to swim. But I determined to learn and gradually gained confidence. My husband has been the best singular support on this 10-year journey and I appreciate him immensely,” she says.

Children having to adjust or accept the new step parent can be difficult, although studies show that children younger than 10 years of age are quick at blending than teens.  To force them to call you “Daddy” or “Mummy” when they don’t feel like it, is detrimental to them. The attachment to a dead or divorced parent can cause untold emotional pain to a child and may, in some cases, be difficult to soothe even by a loving step parent.  Children need to be given time and patience with the hope that they will come around and accept the inevitable new situation. 

Heal yourself first

The ability of parents, who may themselves still be emotionally wounded from their previous relationships, to parent their children may be hampered.  We often think that because a child is often shouted at and over or under disciplined, he/she is the bad one yet, in some cases, the parent is the wounded one, in need of inner healing.

Children born into a new blended family often receive more care and attention than the older children of either spouse that came with their parents into this relationship. Why this is so? Maybe because of the fragility of younger children and the unique shared bond they give the couple that illicit feelings of warm attachment.         

A blended family can turn out to be a huge success to its members and those around it if a little wisdom is exercised with a little more effort. Here is how.  

Take charge

In attempting to blend a family well, parents, especially the husband, should intentionally, offer family leadership. “Everything rises and falls on leadership,” says John Maxwell, a leadership coach. A father who abandons children to the care of the mother alone abandons their responsibility, which in its design and intent, was meant for two parents.

Create a uniform standard

Establish clear lines of authority and discipline. Authority enforces discipline. Discipline comes from the Latin word “disciplina” which means “teaching.” You want to create an environment where children are taught to be productive. They may have been accustomed to listening to their one parent before they joined a blended family. This should not continue once two previously separate families come together. The two parents should now unite and be the central authority to which matters of family government are referred. Lay down a standard moral code that must be followed by all the children without partiality.

Communicate

Talk, talk and talk. The importance of communication in a blended family cannot be over emphasised. Due to the many awkward emotions involved, there is need for unambiguous communication among members so that expectations are clear and communicated in the most transparent and acceptable manner. There should be no grey areas. Communication provides the lifeline that fosters family unity. 

Create a new culture

Intentionally create a new culture for the new family if you are to go forward together. Remember, children have come from different cultures and these should not be allowed to operate independently in the new family or they will wreck it. Spending time together is the beginning of creating a unique and context-fitting culture to this new formation. Shared experiences are what make a family unique.

Establish boundaries for the children. Let the children know that your marriage comes first before their relationship with them. If parents allow children unhealthy first priority in your marriage, then they might deny each other the intimacy needed to sustain the family.    

Plan the future together. There can sometimes be a feeling of uncertainty in the children coming from their previous experience where the parent died or divorced. In either case, the child was disconnected from a vital relationship. “Will this new relationship fail as the previous one?” “Do we have to move again?” (That is if they changed location), “Do you love me?” they inwardly ask these questions, which mirror their insecurities. As parents, you want to affirm your presence, love, and to give them predictability so they are secure emotionally. 

Rev Michael Agaba is a theologian, marriage counselor and parenting coach.