Marriage can still survive after an extramarital affair

The recent incident in which the Archbishop emeritus of the Church of Uganda, Stanley Ntagali’s was entangled in an extramarital affair got everyone talking both on social and mainstream media.

Up to now, many are trying to come to terms with the fact that the man of God, who prayed for and counselled many, turned souls to Christ and presided over innumerable wedding ceremonies could fall prey to infidelity.

In the eyes of many, he was better placed to fight off the temptation, but no, he did not, just like many others. What starts out as jokes, compliments, messages and flirting slowly drift away into a secret affair that has cost many their marriages.

What’s more depressing is the fact that victims take a long time to heal and forgive cheating partners. For many, any other habit can be forgiven, except infidelity. To imagine that a man who once stood before God, family, friends and relatives and made vows to remain faithful forgets about them and engages in a sexual relationship with another woman is something that cuts deeper than an arrow. Some give into temptation, others are overpowered by lust, lack of self-control and others do it to revenge on their partners, among other reasons.  And while the Bible preaches forgiveness, infidelity creates mistrust even in the strongest of marriages.

Kedrace Turyagyenda says that when a woman loves genuinely and gives herself into the marriage, she does that wholly; soul, heart and body. It is very painful when she discovers that her husband is cheating on her and this pain is inflicted on the heart.

“That pain is in the heart, mind soul and body and due to that, there will be many questions, some of the thoughts can be self-blame with questions like what did I fail to do?,” says Turyagyenda.

Whatever the reason for an extramarital affair, the emotional toll on people and the relationship is brutal. But how does one heal from infidelity?  Evelyn Connie Kharono Lufafa, counselling psychologist with Sermo Therapy Consultancy Ltd, says that infidelity steals the foundations upon which at least one person in the relationship found their solid, safe place to be.

The act calls everything into questions such as: “What went wrong? What didn’t I do right? Why didn’t I see this years ago? She says infidelity affects a woman’s self-esteem, makes her question her place in a relationship, but it doesn’t have to bring an end to a relationship.

Kharono says infidelity does not only happen in unhappy marriages and the factors that lead to extramarital affairs differ but opportunity and work are the most predisposing factors.

“Marriage can survive after an affair, but it is also important to remember a few facts. It will take time for a woman to trust her partner again.  It hurts and it takes time to heal. It requires the cheater to take responsibility for their actions and not to blame the spouse. It takes courage and many require professional help to process what happened,” says Lufafa.

In the process of healing, the marriage therapists share ways through which couples can enjoy marital bliss despite being affected by infidelity.

Be honest with yourself

“For healing to take shape, you need to express underlying vulnerable emotions such as anger, denial, be completely honest with self, express how you feel, especially with the help of a professional,” says Kharono. She emphasises the need for a couple to seek the services of a professional counsellor as this helps to create an avenue of speaking out whether to stay or quit amicably. 

Choose forgiveness

It is important to consider forgiving him other than judging or hating him, according to Turyagyenda. “Resolve to love your husband and pray to God to transform him. It is not easy but it is possible. It may take longer but remember that we continuously fall short of God’s expectations but no matter the gravity of our sins, He still forgives us,” she says.

Kharono also says that it may, however, be challenging for the betrayed spouse to know if they should give a second chance or not. “It is much easier if it was a one-time affair, however, if it is a serial cheat, it makes it more difficult,” Kharono notes, adding, “the reason why most people decide to stay even after all this hurting is that they are agonising about the wasted time in a relationship.”

According to Kharono, it is much easier for a young couple to make up for they have a chance to start all over again than one that has spent decades together.

Remorsefulness

Other important aspects to consider are if the spouse who cheated shows remorseful for what they did. If they become more transparent with their passwords and willing to sign some agreements too, then the victim can think of giving her marriage a second chance. Kharono says the hurt party needs to explore many areas before taking a final decision like, are you better off married or divorced?

 Every affair will redefine a relationship. It can’t be any other way. There will be hurt and anger and both of you will feel lonely and lost for a while, but if your relationship is worth fighting for, there will be room for forgiveness and discovery. The heartbreak won’t always feel bigger than you.

Good people make bad decisions. We do it all the time. We hurt the ones we love the most. We become, for a while, people we never imagined we could be. Rather than collecting the broken pieces and binning them, use them to put the relationship back together in a way that is stronger,  wiser, and with honesty that is more sustainable.

Additional reporting from: www.heysigmund.com