Support your children to cope with long-distance parenting

Sylvia has been separated from her children for more than 10 years. She is a Ugandan who lives in the US. She went to work for a short time, but the short time has turned into eternity.

She misses her children and being a mother as Roman poet Sextus observed, Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Her children are all grown now and some are married.   

School, work, divorce or marital separation and medical treatment, are all factors that makes this happen. That is why it is common to be separated from your children these days. 

The consequences of parent-child separation can be different for each child, but most include feelings of guilt, abandonment, rejection, depression, worthlessness, helplessness, developmental regression, sleep difficulties, permanent brain changes leading to lower IQs, and decreased longevity, according to clinical researches by Folman, 1998.

Whatever the reason for the separation, parents owe children an explanation in an age-appropriate way, regarding what caused the separation than being lied to, so they can process it in their way. Sooner than later, children will find out. Difficult as it is, here are some of the ways a parent, at a long distance can help his/her children cope:  

Communication

Nelson Mandela, South Africa’s iconic leader, was separated from his young family by jail for 27 years. He wrote letters and sent beautiful birthday cards to his children from his prison cell. His first daughter, Makaziwe Mandela told Richard Stengel, who worked with the elder Statesman on his autobiography in 2013. Despite the circumstances, he made an effort show love to his children. For a parent who is not in jail, it is easier, now that technology has reduced the physical distance between geographical areas: phone calls, FaceTime, Skype, video calls, Whatsapp video, and social media are all available to make communication easy. Maria Luwalaga, a mother of three, currently living in the US, says she used to call the matron or teacher for regular updates on their health and academic progress.

Allow them privacy

After you have known the time zones and working hours, establish scheduled, predictable times when you can call or chat or text each other, but of course, with a few random calls, in case of emergencies or pertinent issues. If they are old and want to be independent of you as a parent, for 18- year olds, they would not appreciate you interrogating them on every trivial bits of their lives, unless they invite you into that space. This is healthy for them and you to give both of you time to do other things privately. 

Emotional support

You may be far from your children but you need to reassure your children of your love. Provide emotional support by way of listening and counselling them through tough emotional issues. Margaret, a divorcee, says, “I am a non-custodial parent on events such as academic days, birthdays, or holidays, I must avail myself. On specific times of the month, we go out and have fun and also get to hear what she is going through. I assure her all the time that I love her,” she says.

Prayer

 It is emotionally distressing for children to be away from their parents. They worry about you. They feel helpless because they are not with you and have no control over such circumstances. “I run to God to pray for my children,” says Florence, who lives in Saudi Arabia. She is part of more than 24,000 people who leave Uganda annually for employment in the Middle East, according to a Ministry of Gender, Labour, and Social Development report that covered six years from 2016 and part of 2022. “I give financial support and they are well taken of by my parents. But I know they are having it rougher psychologically. So, I pray for them daily to remain grounded,” she adds.

Parenting through proxies

It takes a village to raise a child inAfrica. We are blessed with large and amiable social networks; relatives and friends. These can look after your children in your absence, especially when the children are still young to fill the parenting gap. Sophie who lives in South Korea says, “I left my two young children with my sister. I send her their school fees and upkeep and she is doing an amazing role mothering them in my absence,” she says.

Spousal support

Figures available from the Ministry of Finance, show that 8,200 people applied for medical visas at the Indian High Commission in Kampala in 2016. This is the case with Sandra, who is in India for treatment. Her husband stayed in Uganda to take care of their children as well as pay the bills in the hospital that come in no small amount.

“When you are away, you feel your partner’s and children’s absence more acutely. My husband is the residential parent now and has been very supportive on this long journey. I shudder to imagine what it would be for children without him,” she says. 

 It is possible to help your children cope with your absence and build a good relationship with them in meaningful ways. And before I forget, avoid the guilt that comes from not being with your children physically. You are probably doing the best you can under the circumstances so take it with grace.