Why parents need to unlearn harsh parenting styles

In a typical African setting, more often than not, a family’s respectability is mirrored in children’s behaviour. Like many parents, Mustafa Nsubuga started his journey of parenthood with the firm belief that good behaviour can only be achieved through beating his children.

His focus was on having obedient children who were firmly under his control. The father of six lives in Busukuma Sub-county in Wakiso District.

 “As the children entered the teenage years, their inquisitive behaviour and desire for independence used to irk me. Whenever one of them would misbehave, I would beat them mercilessly because I believed this would put them back on the right path. I was obsessed with the fear of my children embarrassing me before our extended family and the neighbours,” he says. His harsh behaviour affected his relationship with his wife, Shalifah. As a man, he felt that he did not have any obligation to help his wife with house chores.

Harsh treatment

For Madina Nakandi, a trained nurse, the violence at home was reflected in the nickname the children had given her husband – their father.  “We call him ‘master.’ It was not easy to predict his moods. What we imagined would annoy him, did not; and what we thought would not annoy him, would drive him into a rage. When he began beating the children, he would beat them until I would feel my heart breaking. I was scared of him. I could not tell him to stop beating them. He would only stop when he got tired,” she says.

Negative social beliefs, gender attitudes and economic hardships influence the way parents and guardians treat their children and each other. However, it is increasingly becoming clear that parenting conventional styles need to be checked in order to prevent child abuse.

Numbers do not lie

Statistics show that 50 per cent of the population in low and low middle income countries (LMICs) is of children. However, during the Covid-19 induced lockdowns, violence against children came to the fore.

According to researchers, many children are exposed to some form of harsh parenting, including verbal or physical aggression. In Uganda, violence against children is widespread. A June 2021 report by the AfriChild Centre, titled, The effect of Covid-19 on the Wellbeing of Children in Uganda, reported that violence against children during the two Covid-19 induced lockdowns was unacceptably high. Physical violence was more prevalent, followed by emotional violence and sexual violence.

Three in 10 children experience violence

Forty-five per cent of the children who participated in the study reported having ever experienced some form of physical violence from their parent, adult caregiver or other adult relative in their lifetime. Three in 10 children experienced physical violence in the three months of first Covid-19 lockdown. Physical violence was more prevalent among boys, at 34 percent compared to girls at 29 percent.

Within the home, about seven in every 10 children who reported abuse from a parent or caregiver, mentioned biological parent as the perpetrators of abuse. About two in every 10 children mentioned a sibling. Other perpetrators of abuse mentioned include adult uncles or aunties.

A growing problem

Harsh parenting refers to coercive acts and negative emotional expressions that parents direct toward children, including verbal aggression (for example yelling, name-calling) and physical aggression - spanking or hitting). Harsh parenting is among the most important determinants of child aggressive and disruptive behaviour.

Dr Godfrey Siu, a senior lecturer at the Department of Child Health and Development Centre at Makerere University, says harsh parenting is one of the main factors that determine the likelihood of a child being parented poorly.

 “If a parent knows that the only way to raise a well-behaved and disciplined child is by beating them and using harsh words, then that child is likely to experience abuse. Also, the lack of parental attachment and bonding ; which is supposed to be attained early in the child’s life; means the child is likely to suffer neglect and abuse from the parent,” he says.

Intervention

To teach parents that they do not have to resort to violence for their children to listen to them, a community-based programme, Parenting for Respectability (PfR) was launched in Wakiso District in 2014.

The programme, developed by researchers from Makerere University, working in collaboration with colleagues from the Medical Research Council of Uganda and the University of Glasgow UK, trains parents, caregivers, and guardians to learn skills and attitudes to bring up their children in a violence- free environment.

Dr Siu, the programme leader, says the PfR programme is being run in 54 villages in Busukuma Sub-county (26 villages) in Wakiso District and Lamogi Sub-county (28 villages) in Amuru District.

 “Wakiso and Amuru represent two geographically distinct districts, with different characteristics. Wakiso is largely urban and cosmopolitan, while Amuru is rural and also experienced a long war (LRA insurgency). We wanted to find out whether the programme works for people in both settings, especially when there is a view of implementing the programme on a wider scale,” Dr Siu says.

Countering harsh parenting

Carol Namutebi, the programme coordinator and trainer, says besides countering harsh parenting, the programme, through its sessions, is addressing the stereotypes of gender roles in the home.

 “Gender stereotypes are a result of people’s upbringing or by culture dictating how parenting should be done. We are engaging parents to reflect on how they were brought up, which gender (boys or girls) had a privileged position and how the roles confined to each gender are affecting their parenting now. Then, we help them to generate ways how to overcome this stereotyping because all children should be raised up equally,” Namutebi says.

Exchange views on parenting

Namutebi adds that the training sessions, which address the key factors of poor attachment and parental bonding; spousal conflict and disrespect; harsh parenting; and inequitable gender socialisation, involve 15 to 20 participants who are recruited within the community. Anyone parenting a child between 0 to 17 years is eligible.

 “The programme consists of 16 manualised sessions, the first nine being single-sex and the last seven mixed-sex, allowing the exchange of differing views about parenting and family relationships between mothers and fathers,” Namutebi says.

Deliberate involvement of men

Traditionally, the upbringing of children and domestic chores are erroneously considered women’s domain. Men who participate in these important aspects of family life are considered ‘weak’ by some of their peers.

“We know that in Uganda, fathers are reluctant to engage in child-care care. But, it is clear that in homes where there are no fathers there are some things that the children lack. We also know that male parents tend to be aloof and more violent to children. That is why the programme is deliberately involving men in the sessions,” Dr Siu says.

When Mzee George Otim, a grandfather of six in Amuru District, began attending the sessions he was apprehensive that his peers would think he was a weak man.

“In our tribe, if you do housework, people think that the woman is controlling you. But, I found the courage to attend the sessions and I can see a change in my behaviour towards my wife. Nowadays, if she is busy, I can go to the market to buy food and wash our clothes,” he says.

Success registered

Research has shown that positive parenting by fathers may contribute to good outcomes in children such as, higher levels of sociability, confidence and self-control. Such children are less likely to engage in risky behaviours in their adolescence. 

On the other hand, involved fathers are a source of emotional support to mothers who provide more of the direct care for children. This may lead to better outcomes in children and manifest in a happy and cohesive family.

Dr Siu says the involvement of fathers also positively affects spousal relations. “We have learnt from research that where there is a poor relationship between couples, children are the likely victims. The abuse that manifests as a result of poor spousal relationship also includes, spousal neglect, unending quarrels, intimate partner violence,” he says.

Changing attitudes

The programme found that 77.3 per cent of the couples surveyed in Amuru District suffered intimate partner violence, 63.4 per cent suffered psychological abuse, while 36 per cent suffered physical abuse. Also, 70.9 per cent of the children surveyed said their female caregivers emotionally abused them, while more physical abuse was meted out by male caregivers (57 percent).

Psychologists say unlearning bad behaviour is the new learning and Robert Opio Lapolo, the community development ffficer for Lamogi Sub-county in Amuru District, believes this is what is happening to families in his sub-county.  “Most of our concerns and the petty criminality plaguing the villages are as a result of poor parenting.  But, I believe the training sessions are a good approach because we see couples changing the way they treat their children.

We are hearing cases of couples sharing household chores, which is a new experience that is breaking traditional roles. I see unity in homes and that is what we have been desiring because a disorganised household and community is not easy to develop,” he says.

Too much anger is destructive

Many parents have testified to great improvement following their participation in the programme. Nakandi is now at peace in her home. She convinced her husband – whom she still calls master; to attend training sessions with her. Now, she is all praises for the change that has come into his life.

“Every day, after the trainings, I would find the courage to beg him not to beat the children savagely. I would tell him to beat them if he wants to, but lightly. I had learnt that too much anger in a parent destroys a child, physically and emotionally. My husband is slowly changing. Now, instead of beating, he will first talk to me, and then, he will talk to the child,” she says.

On the other hand, Nsubuga is now taking on chores he never imagined he would perform.

“Sometimes, I collect firewood. Once in a while, I also help with the washing of our clothes and cleaning our bedroom. Nowadays, at the end of the month, my wife and I declare our earnings and then, decide what percentage of our joint earnings should go to paying school fees and what should go to buying essentials at home,” he says.

Dr Siu says the programme has been well received. “We are engaging stakeholders at the national level, such as, the Ministry of Gender, Labour, and Social Development, who are interested in evidence-based programmes. A number of programmes being implemented on parenting are not based on research. We do not know what works and what doesn’t. PFR is contributing to this body of work,” he says.

Intervention

What more needs to be done?

To teach parents that they do not have to resort to violence for their children to listen to them, a community-based programme, parenting for Respectability (PfR) was launched in Wakiso District in 2014. The PfR programme demonstrates that it is possible to raise children that are well behaved and respectful without using violence. It helps parents to reflect on the long-term impact of violence on children, and encourages them to use alternative means of discipline. Spousal violence can be reduced when both parents attend parenting sessions where spousal conflict is discussed. Besides countering harsh parenting, the programme, is addressing the stereotypes of gender roles in the home.