Illustration: Confessions from the cafeteria queue and other office crimes.
The workplace is an interesting place to be. You will see random things that will shake the core of your entire belief system or leave you affirmed with the knowledge that you are not the strangest person you know.
Exhibit one
It was lunch time, we were queuing up at the cafeteria for matooke, fried water, and the chef’s special for the day; shredded beef. The young woman in front of me directed the chef to serve her matooke, and only one piece (shred/thread) of meat. The chef plays generous and proudly dumps two tiny pieces on her scarcely populated plate.
The woman is visibly irritated and demands that he remove the second piece. “I want only one!” The chef and everyone within listening distance were in shock. Who asks for one tiny piece of beef? At this point, security steps forward and asks her to present identification just to make sure she belongs here.
You see, half of our cafeteria lives are spent first asking, demanding, and then threatening the serving chef for some more beef, chicken, or whatever is on the menu that day. Most time, these negotiations are non-verbal. The Oliver Twist of the moment refuses to move along but stays holding out their plate while giving the chef a peppered eye.
The result usually depends on the size of the 'beggar'. If they are much taller and broader, they might just get away with some more carrots, and if they are ‘down to earth’, petite, smile a lot and have puppy eyes, they get away with plenty of tomatoes and once in a while, a little more beef. I do not blame the chef, he is only human.
If important people in public office are stealing public funds to enrich themselves at the expense of poor taxpayers, who is he to deny a hungry scribe a thread of beef? I hear someone at the back yelling, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” But hush now, let us govern ourselves.
By the way, all of this is not because we are food-minded but because growing up, most of us were raised in homes where the sauce, especially beef or chicken, was overly rationed for financial and a few other reasons. This always left us wanting more. Now, even as financially able and health-cautious grown-ups, we seem to be stuck with neurons and possessed by familiar spirits dedicated specifically to asking for more beef/chicken whenever we see it, even if we do not want it.
Exhibit two
I once knew a grown man who had a penchant for public toilets. Take, for instance, the one at the workplace. He would sit in there for hours speaking on the phone to all and sundry. There is nothing wrong with that, I guess, seeing as we live in the age of, we listen, we do not judge.
The problem is that the rest of us could not quite comfortably use the bathroom, which is built as close-knit stalls, with no soundproofing or toilet sound silencer. Imagine walking in with a load to let go of only to hear the person in the next stall on the phone with his grandmother who is bedridden and needs to be cajoled into drinking her porridge. Because the phone is on loud speaker, you can hear her tired voice telling her grandson that she is tired and just wants to die. “Muzukulu, ndeka mpumule”, (My grandson, let me rest in peace/die).
Now, at what point during that conversation, do you, in the next stall, drop it like it’s hot without seeming insensitive? What if the old woman hears it and breathes her last out of shock, or somehow sniffs it through the phone and is intoxicated into a coma? No self-respecting person would not abort the mission and postpone the bowl movement to later.
So, that is where the problem is. While everyone has a right to vote, education, food, Kashmir and to spend as much time in the restrooms doing whatever it is they want to, these freedoms must be enjoyed responsibly. Bathroom etiquette is a dicey issue. The older the culprit is, the harder it is to correct them. I hear a lot of unlearn, relearn, retool talk going around at workplaces.
So, whose job is it to potty-train staff? Human resources department? I think not. The most they can do is print out internet-sourced photos encouraging proper workplace restroom use, and then maybe come up with vague “please clean up after yourself and pretend to be normal while at the workplace” messages.
Note
Having a personal conversation at your desk can be distracting for colleagues working close to you, and it can also portray you as someone who finds it difficult to leave their private life at home. If you must answer the phone at work, most offices have conference rooms or step out into the hall.
