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How parents enable bad behaviour in their children

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I am in the house watching football or something and this neighbour’s daughter (and the whole children mob) comes crying to me, “Mumu (my son) has beaten me.” 

My son begins to explain why he beat her. I am in no mood to listen because this is not the first time I am telling him not to beat other children. I remind him that I’ve always told him that if he has an issue with any neighbor’s child, he should report to the child’s parents or myself and we’ll sort it than him taking matters in his own hands. 

I administer a few sticks and that is the last time he ever lays hands on another kid. 

Every good parent desires to raise well-behaved children. We all desire the best for our children. But more times than not, we find ourselves missing the mark and encouraging or enabling bad behaviour in our kids. Sometimes we don’t even know we are doing it but these are some of the ways: 

Feed their every whim: 

Children grow well within boundaries. But overindulgence or giving in to every demand or providing excessive rewards can lead children to expect that their wants will always be met, fostering an attitude of entitlement, which is akin to brats who think the world owes them something. 

Susan a mother of two adults looks back and says, “I wish I knew better while raising my two children now aged 30 and 25. I tried to provide for their every whim (not needs) because I was trying to compensate for the absence of their father who was a deadbeat! They did not turn our right. I still have to financially support them all the time even now when they have children of their own from all over the place. I wish I had known that “no” is a complete sentence and a good word and children need to hear it sometimes. They need to realize that everything in life will not always go their way and that their parents will not always be there to provide for them.” 

You must always remember that you are your child’s parent first and their friend later. 

Don’t discipline them: 

One of the most remarkable stories in the Bible about parenting is of a father (King David) who didn’t discipline his son (Amnon); 

It is recorded for us in 2 Samuel 13: 21: “When King David heard of all these things, he became very angry, but he would not punish his son Amnon, because he loved him, for he was his firstborn.” 

How did Amnon end up? He raped his half-sister, Tamar and subsequently his half- brother Absalom murdered him. 

This kind of parental “love” will kill your child! 

As you read further, you will realise that David also failed with his son Absalom; Absalom tried a coup d'état on his father forcing him to flee his kingdom for a while. So King David may have succeeded as the greatest king of Israel on the battlefield but failed miserably as a father in his home. 

Discipline must be par with love and you must be firm but fair with the kids. 

Model bad behavior: 

Children often imitate their parents. If parents display negative behaviours, such as disrespect or poor conflict resolution, children may adopt those behaviours. 

Consider Frank who grew up in a home where his father was a drunkard. 

Frank says, “Our home was always a place of domestic violence. Our father would beat us and our mother to pulp for no good reason. I resolved never to drink alcohol. But one of my siblings took up after dad. He drinks a lot and is violent towards his wife and kids. I have always talked to him about this behaviour but I guess our father’s demons are more powerful than sound advice he never listens.” 

Over protect them: 

Parents may become overprotective of their children to manage their own anxiety. 

If parents shield their children from the consequences of their actions, children may not learn responsibility and accountability. Being overly protective can prevent children from facing challenges, leading to frustration and acting out when they encounter difficulties. Some signs of over protecting parenting may include: parents who monitor their children’s every move, parents who insist on approving everything their child does, parents who treat their adult children as if they were children, etc. 

Over protected children can face several challenges in their lives which may include fear, poor coping skills, high risk behaviors, attachment insecurity and others. Good parenting means being supportive without being enabling.

Inadequate communication: 

Failing to communicate expectations and rules clearly to children can leave children confused about what is acceptable behaviour, leading them to misbehave. 

 Consider an example of Sam, a father of one, his wife Solome explains, 

“He is a good man and provides for us adequately, no doubt, but he lacks the authority of a father in the home. He keeps silent when he should be speaking and our children love him for that. I am the “bad” one. I think every father must raise his voice in the home. It enforces and corrects.”

Praise or reward negative behavior: 

Sometimes, parents inadvertently reinforce bad behaviour by giving attention to it, even if that attention is negative. Consider a parent who defends their child at every turn even if their behavior is wrong, they are enabling bad behavior in that child. 

Martha, a mother of three daughters and business woman explains, “I try to make sure our daughters grow up to be responsible adults and I will go to any length to make that happen. 

But my husband is the problem. He will condone many of the things I consider bad behaviour. For instance, he does not allow our girls to do any chore in the house. He says that is work for the maids. 

He tries to shield them from responsibility but I know it will end in tears some day for both of us!” I also know of a scenario where a boy stole another boy’s toy from school and got suspended for it. The parents’ response? They took him out to eat at Café Javas. What a reward! What do you expect this child to do after this good treatment by parents? Do it again! 

Parenting without purpose: 

May parents are parenting without a purpose or goal in mind. They are busy at work making a living they forget to make a life with their kids. 

If they succeed with rules over their children, they have no relationship with them and if they have a relationship with them, they have no rules over them! There are no boundaries. There is no purpose. Then after15 or 20 years, they suddenly realize their children have grown and they want to jump in and correct situations but it is too late the children are leaving the house!

Recognising some of these patterns can help parent’s foster more positive behavior in their children. And it isn’t rocket science to do that.