I blame the lockdown

Saturday July 24 2021
By Phillip Matogo

When, days ago, President “Kagu” announced the lockdown; I thrust my hands into my pockets.  

I had a small sum of cash in my pockets. And so, with my hands next to that sum, I could at least be “hand-sum”. 
Looking good, pocket-wise, I decided to manipulate the lockdown to my advantage. 

So I met a lady and told her of all deals I would’ve been doing if there was no lockdown. 

“If the President never announced a lockdown, I was going to make Shs500m at a show sponsored by Coca Cola,” I told the lady.

“Wow, you were going to be rich,” she replied, without detecting my lie.  

“Yeah, this lockdown should end soon and I make the big bucks. By the way, I hope you are buying the food and drinks. If the lockdown had not struck, I would’ve bought you the restaurant,” I told her.


Seated with me at Café Javas, she smilingly nodded her head to indicate that she understood.
“Sure,” she said. “I know the lockdown is the only thing standing between you and buying me breakfast”.  

Before paying the bill, however, she took a closer look at it. Then, she looked up at the waiter.
“100K, for breakfast?!!?” she asked, incredulously. 

“Yes, madam” the waiter responded. 
“This can’t be right!” she exploded. “But it’s okay, let me consult Jesus!”

Linking her left arm with my right one, she closed her eyes and asked Jesus to take the wheel!
The waiter looked at me and I looked at him, we were both speechless. 

After three minutes, however, the lady opened her eyes and beamed.
“Jesus said it is well, so I shall pay,” she said. 

I wonder what would’ve happened if Jesus had rebuked our bill in his own name!
Later, the lady and I went to her house and stayed there all day. 

The clock struck 7pm.

“You can stay over, curfew has grabbed you,” she offered, knowing I had no choice.

Looking at her uncritically, I would say she was a well put-together Amazon lady...without the metal-cuffed arm, fishtail braids and gladiator sandals that Amazon ladies from Wonder Woman’s island of Themyscira liked to wear. 

However, seeing her critically, well, let’s just say she was a towering tribute to the fire-and-brimstone speeches which cascaded from an angry preacher’s pulpit when he began his sermon with the words, “hell hath no fury…”

For a woman, she was big in all the small places and small in all the big places. 

This meant she had bulging biceps above hips which didn’t expand out of line when her torso went straight down to the flatness of what lay below her waistline.

Was she unattractive?

I prefer to use the word ‘uninspiring’. 

But I was trapped, so when it was 11.30 pm, we decided to sleep.

Sharing her bed, we were supposed to sleep head to toes; but she had other plans.

“I want us to sleep shoulder to shoulder,” she said, to my evident alarm.
When she said those words, it suddenly started raining outside as a slow drizzle grew to a torrential downpour and thunder shook us hard.  
Seemingly cornered, I was scared and about to inform her how the lockdown took away my romance with my finance. 
However, while building up that narrative in my head, she grabbed my midsection and pulled me up next to her before I could say romance or finance.
After which, she looked deep into my eyes as I felt myself falling under the dominion of her determination to kiss me.

Helpless, I begged for mercy when I saw her mouth widen to a cave. Then, I stopped begging since her name was actually Mercy!

I gulped and looked into her massive mouth. 

It was dark in “there, there, there”….my inner voice echoed in the infinite vastness of her cavernous mouth!

She then moved to literally swallow me with a kiss, but I moved right when her mouth went left and when her mouth went left, I moved right. 

Playing the artful dodger, I moved my head to one side and then the other, again and again, ensuring our lips didn’t rendezvous at a spot for two.

My contrary movements ensured my lips left each time hers showed up right where mine were right to have showed up in the place hers had just left! 

“Stay still!” she ordered.
“I can’t, I need to wee-wee,” I replied.
“Wee-wee here,” she said.
“Where?” I asked.

“In bed!” she commanded, without of any Tofuka Wano lines furrowed on her forehead.
So, clearly, this lady was serious!

Stunned, I looked at her and said to myself: I know the words ‘wee’ and ‘short’ are interchangeable, but I would rather have a ‘short time’ to a ‘wee time.’

Unless wee is actually ‘we’ and the missing ‘e’ is for exit and thereby ensuring ‘we’ is no longer ‘us’ since the ‘e’ that exited also belongs to an “Eh!-scape”
“What’s wrong?” she asked angrily.

As I looked her dead in the eye, I mustered the reply:
“I blame the lockdown.”