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Modern parenting challenges: Are we losing traditional values?
Left: A parent teaches her child how to swim. Developing skills combined with instilling respect and discipline in children reflects a good upbringing. PHOTO/COMBO/PROMISE TWINAMUKYE
What you need to know:
- Parenting styles differ from family to family. Today, with technology evolution, a lot has changed in this lifetime role.
Aziz Kirya was born in a banana plantation near his family home and grew up as a child of the village. In 1968, at the age of eight, he moved to Kampala (Nakawa) to live with his uncle, who enrolled him in Kiswa Primary School. Even in Nakawa, Kirya notes that raising children was a communal responsibility in the village. If a child misbehaved, any neighbor or community member would step in to correct them and later inform the parents—a sense of shared responsibility he feels is largely absent today.
“Growing up, we lived under strict rules,” Kirya recalls. “Every child was assigned tasks such as fetching water, cleaning, or looking after livestock, depending on their age. I remember an incident in Senior Two when I was carrying a clay pot home, and it broke. I was severely punished for it, which shows how seriously our elders took discipline and responsibility.”
Gender roles were also strictly enforced during his upbringing. Men were not allowed in the kitchen, as cooking was considered a task exclusively for women. Even today, Kirya admits he does not know how to cook because of these deeply ingrained norms.
“However, times have changed,” he says. “My sons, unlike me, know how to peel and cook because their mother involved them in household tasks from a young age.”
Kirya believes that parenting is shaped by the environment, as well as the values of the family and society. He stresses that every parent must decide what they want to instill in their children.
“For instance, in my home, we predominantly speak our native language, Lusoga. Even though we live in a mixed community with different languages, I want my grandchildren to preserve their cultural heritage. They all call me Baba, just as their parents do. If you were to ask them about their grandfather, they would say, ‘We do have one here; we have Baba,’” says the father of six.
Raising children now
Comparing his upbringing to that of his children, Kirya realizes that they have had more advantages. Unlike in the past, today’s society is largely indifferent to how children are raised. People, he says, hesitate to correct misbehaving children for fear of backlash from their parents.
Child-centered parenting
Disciplining children today requires a different approach. Being overly strict may push them away. Instead, it is important to discuss and reason with them. Even decisions such as school selection should involve the child.
Kirya experienced this first-hand with his second-born, a daughter. While at one of the top girls’ high schools in Wakiso, she informed her father that the school had served pork, which conflicts with their Islamic faith. When he raised the concerns with the administration, it caused a stir. The school declined to admit her for Senior Five.
“During A-Level selection, the young girl was placed at Ndejje Secondary School. I drove her there, but upon seeing the school, she refused to enter, saying, 'Dad, do not waste time; I cannot study here. This is a bush.'”
The father took her to Kawempe Muslim School and got a vacancy there. She thrived, completed her studies, and earned a government scholarship to Makerere University.
“Had I forced my daughter to stay at Ndejje, I could have hindered her progress,” Kirya shares.
Support a child's emotional strength and sense of safety. PHOTO/PROMISE TWINAMUKYE
Children today have preferences, even in small matters such as clothing, unlike in the past when parents dictated everything.
“If you buy clothes without the child’s input, they may never wear them. A parent might dictate up to a certain age. However, as children grow, discussion and compromise become necessary to maintain harmony in the family,” he says.
When visitors come over, he engages with their parents and ensures they come from responsible families. Otherwise, he believes that children may unknowingly pick up bad influences.
“I have six children, all of whom are now adults. I have also adopted and raised 12 other children. Though the number is large, I have no regrets. Looking at my children and grandchildren today, many of whom are in university, I feel proud of how they have been raised,” he says.
Influence of Social Media
Kirya says many young people today are so engrossed in social media that they barely acknowledge those around them.
“I boarded a taxi where I found a young girl going to Seguku. She was bent on her phone and did not care about those around her. She missed her stop and only realized it when we were past Bwebajja. Had she greeted those around her, they would have probably reminded her of her destination,” he says.
While they may be growing up in the digital age, there are valuable lessons to be learned from those who came before them. By balancing modernity with traditional values, he believes that they can navigate life successfully and uphold the virtues that define a well-rounded individual.
Authoritative and authoritarian parenting styles
In the past, parenting was largely authoritative or authoritarian. Evelyn Lufafa, a child development expert and counseling psychologist, says parents enforced discipline, set clear expectations, and instilled responsibility in their children. Today, however, there are more permissive parenting styles, including helicopter parenting, where parents tend to hover over their children and overly protect them.
Petra Bosse, a psychologist and leadership coach, emphasizes that regardless of the parenting style one adopts, it is crucial for parents to be emotionally available for their children. She references the Still Face experiment conducted by Dr. Ed Tronick in 1978, which demonstrated how infants are highly responsive to the emotions, reactions, and social interactions they receive from those around them.
Changing role of fathers
Traditionally, fathers were seen as providers and protectors, directing the family's path. While these roles remain relevant, societal shifts have changed family dynamics. Today, more female-headed households and an increasing number of men who are disengaged from their roles as active parents are prevalent.
Over the past few decades, there has been a strong emphasis on girl empowerment, which is commendable. However, the boy child has sometimes been overlooked. Many young men, Lufafa says, grow up without understanding their responsibilities as future fathers and providers.
“For families to thrive, both men and women need to embrace their roles in a balanced way. Fathers should remain active in nurturing their children emotionally and educationally, rather than just fulfilling financial obligations,” she says.
Striking a balance
No parenting style is perfect. Parenting does not come with a manual, but one can create a nurturing environment that fosters emotional and mental well-being.
The early years, from birth to about eight years old, are crucial for character development. During this time, children learn by observing their parents. If parents model positive behavior—showing kindness, managing emotions, and prioritizing family time—children naturally absorb these traits.
