Those things that ought to be quarantined this Valentine’s Day 

The weeks and months leading up to Valentine’s Day have spun relationships around and left things rather shaky. For a big chunk of last year, many people were stuck with the partners they had been avoiding and the pubs and offices or shops where they had been running off to were closed. 

Things got rather heated, slay side partners got sidelined or outright cut off and the next meal mattered more than anything. We had a stream of advice coming out to urge partners to be patient, money was short and so was space. 

Children were suddenly back as a key part of the relationship. Or how grown they were and yes, they were very much around, climbing all over our heads and demanding answers to hard academic questions. There was a great deal of domestic violence but most of us came out on the other side. 

Things are still weird, we have curfew and most of our favourite nightspots are still closed. Valentine’s is a lot different this year but we are still here and if we learnt anything from last year, it’s that life is short, the unthinkable can happen and you do not need a lot of money to get by. 

In that spirit, and being the self-appointed Valentine’s Day wiseacres, we bring you the list of things that we think ought to be quarantined this Valentine’s Day.
Stinginess
As we emerged from the lockdown, we saw the formation of a stingy men’s association. I heard there is also an association for stingy women but I failed to join because they were stingy with the password. And I have to add a disclaimer here, I was only trying to join for research purposes. 

I am not stingy at all and I hope all those people out there preaching miserliness are joking. Today, you may not even need transport to anywhere. After last year’s lockdown, we know that one does not need a lot to impress. You do not even need to go anywhere you stingy people. 

Are you too mean to stay at home and be creative? Do you people even know the cost of roses?  Two Valentine’s ago, I got roses from a virtual stranger while walking down the street minding my own business. 

It’s that cheap guys so get out of stinginess because there is no reward there. It looks bad and I don’t care what your friends told you, everyone loves a cheerful giver and stinginess does not pay, not really. 

Don’t be Jerome
If you are eyeing a woman or man who is taken or spoken for this Valentine’s, persistence in this pursuit will not make you a hero. It will put you at the sharp end of a spear. Yes, I know they say stolen water is sweeter and stolen moments are unforgettable but do your research before you go feeling at home in that house. That guy could be walking down the aisle on the weekend they told you they are taking a trip. Be steady, be careful and try not to get caught in places you have no right to be. It never ends well. 

Ask all the people who got caught before today? When social media was done dragging them in the mud, I bet they wanted to swear their name was not Jerome or Stanley and they wished they could move to another country and be forgotten forever.

 Here is to hoping that by curfew time tonight, you will have found your way back home to the one you love or the one you dream about and not the one someone else swore to love. 
Posts we could regret
Yes, love is good and you want to scream it to the world but wearing identical t-shirts and making a splash on Instagram or Facebook could have unintended consequences. 

Unless you are 150 per cent sure that that legion of females on his timeline are just friends, hold your horses because the public display may unleash information you do not want out there.

So while we are not saying “do not share”, we hope you will share carefully and hope to God you know that guy or girl pretty well to be certain you are not opening a can of worms.

 It is no secret that Valentine’s Day is the day many people find out someone was two-timing them or that person they thought was smitten with them, really has other ideas. And do stop with the snooping because no, you will  never catch all the people who are trying to hit on him or her. They could be very many or none.

 You can only pray that when they do come knocking, your partner will have the strength to say no. And you dear partner, if there is anything you would like to keep private, do not photograph and certainly do not share on the worldwide web, unless of course you have been caught pants down.

 I am real glad that starting this Valentine’s Day, we seem to have overcome the urge to share each other’s nudes. Or perhaps the Internet is scarce and data is too expensive to waste on things that do not earn us money or put our children through school.

Relax, it is Sunday and it’s not that serious
Outside of death and taxes and the things in between, nothing is that serious in life. So you do not have a Valentine date? That too shall pass. You think no one loves you? Come on, you know that is not true. We have got your back and we are saying, it is Sunday. 

You do not have to go to work and watch others receive bouquets of all tribes of flowers. This is the first Valentine’s Day in a while where we can all win it, everyone for himself and you can tell fantastic stories on Monday, which no one can dispute at all because they were not there.

 You can decide to stay in your pyjamas all day or binge watch your favourite TV show, play football with the guys in the neighbourhood or whatever. 

You can write your own script and make it up as you go. We just made up a whole new set of rules right here and so can you.  

Phoneys finish last
I know I said we should avoid stinginess like the plague but the flipside, where you attempt to hit standards of splurging that you can ill afford is equally bad. In fact I cannot decide which is worse; If you go down  that road, you had better make sure you have a plan to mint the cash to keep up because keeping up is hard and you would really rather be your broke self and be accepted for what you are.

Now that we have all that ground covered, all the dos and don’ts out of the way, go ahead and have yourself a wonderful Valentine’s Day devoid of  stinginess and monkey tricks. Beware of the Police and curfew roadblocks and do not do anything we would not do.    

Don’t forget
Remember, Covid-19  is still here
Before you throw all caution to the wind with that stranger, remember to wash your hands and sanitise. 

Depending on the circumstances, you may want to wait some days in the quarantine. And so, today being February 14, have you at least known this man or woman since February 1? No? I thought so.

 Now be careful then. Don’t drink and hug. Nobody trusts drunkards apparently. Even our president knows that.

 Every time he comes close to reopening bars, he probably remembers, ‘hmm, but these drunkards are a danger unto themselves.’ So, to avoid all that, you might want to stay home and drink your beer in peace with your Valentine date. Besides, curfew is probably going to cramp our style big time this year.

 It is the first time we ever had to have dinner with one eye on the clock and the other on the door and yes, you guessed right, unless you start early, dinner will not be any fun at all. 

Ding dong, at nine O’clock the bell will be ringing and you had better be delivering your date home by then or god help you, your new Valentine might be waiting in a police cell where you will have a lot to answer with the Police.