Whatever situation you find yourself in, guard your sanity

Last week, the army changed its earlier directive and took over the burial of their former comrade private Wilson Sabiti. Sabiti, who has become infamous for killing his boss and committing suicide, is one of those rare cases where the tragedy of a man’s death completes and exemplifies the meaning of his whole life.

I am aware that only Sabiti could tell us why he did what he did although many commentators are intent on turning his tragedy into a revolutionary act. His tragic act has come to be seen as representation of the disenfranchised and disgruntled men and women in uniform. I am in no position to assess the validity of these views but it is certain that Sabiti represented and will represent more than his frustration and defeat.

He represented the fate under which the majority of undereducated and underemployed people find themselves. The degree of exploitation and injustice is as intense as it is widespread. Are our leaders so blind as to not see the colossal abuse and the intolerable conditions of the people they lead? And why is no one bothered about how our society now lives as if we have run out of options?

Technology has played a great role in turning us into almost a single unit; we now have similar goals and aspirations, which makes resource options seem so limited. It is necessary to recognise that unless interventions are made, the desperation can only get worse. For long, our society was not intolerable as we had the privilege of living different lifestyles. Farmers were fulfilled by their work and did not have to keep peeking at what their shopkeeper neighbour owned or how well his business was doing.

But now that distinction has been eliminated. We are woefully involved in each other’s lives and can plainly see the inequality which breeds dissatisfaction. This is what could have driven the man described as a hardworking, polite, respectful and kind family man to murderous rage. This means he was just like you and I, which consequently means that we could stumble and fall just as he did. Because as he did, we all live with the demons that haunted him including:

Unfulfilled dreams

We are told that Sabiti dropped out of school in 2006 after his father’s death. Because he was unable to get anybody to fund his education, he joined the army in order to fend for himself and the family. Sometimes, adversity will frustrate your every dream and leave you to take alternative routes that you never knew existed. Many of us are living lives we never set out to. Many young women who find themselves in such situations resort to marriage or even prostitution while others are trapped in dead end jobs. Whatever situation you find yourself in, remember to guard your sanity; after all your life is greater than your dream.

Lack of progress

We are told that Sabiti joined the Uganda People’s Defence Forces in 2007 and 16 years later, he was still a private. I do not want to delve into the nitty gritty of how ranks are awarded in the army but I am sure his lack of any promotion,  knowing how uniformed men love ranks must have been a source of dissatisfaction with his own life. Not only was his career stunted, he also found himself trapped in servitude and it looked as though he was doomed to take orders all his life. The only act of defiance he thought was available to him was the tragic murder/suicide.

I have talked to and counselled many people who find themselves in this state. It is easy to lose hope and lose focus of your own potential if you keep finding yourself pushing a boulder uphill that never moves an inch. The problem with this linear view of progress is that it blinds you to the whole picture. Your life’s progress should not only be measured by material wealth, it should be measured by the person you have become. Your efforts might not have yielded material wealth but they might have given you a wealth of experience; a clearer perspective on life that makes you a better human being. And that is more precious than gold and silver.

Responsibility

 Sabiti, as many others in this country, was cast into the role of family provider and protector while still a teenager. This is the kind of responsibility that no child should have to bear. I cannot imagine what went through his mind as he saw his peers progress and establish themselves as able providers while he languished in his uniform and saw his failure reflected in the destitution of his family.

But if like Sabiti you are viewed by your family as the pillar, the rock or cornerstone, remember to give yourself some grace because no one else is going to. There is so much you can do and you have to learn to accept that some things will be beyond your control. Killing yourself for your family will neither add value to you nor them. Remember, it is okay to quit, rest or say no. It is also okay to ask for help; none of the above will depict you as a failure.

Last but not least, we are told that Sabiti had relationship issues, having been in two failed marriages.

I am not a man so I am not in position to speculate on what drives men to ignore past experiences and rely on hope and faith as they get into newer ones.

But what I know for sure is if you do not work out the issues that failed your past relationships, they will affect any other relationship you get into. And who said everyone must be in a relationship?

Being alone is sometimes more rewarding than forcing yourself into situations that simply drain you.

So, if you keep getting in and out of relationships, I cannot think of a more implicit clue that you are not meant to be in one. If you are the kind that feels unable to live alone, take a break to learn to love yourself and once you have mastered that, go ahead and try again. It is important that you learn to love yourself first, otherwise how can you give what you do not have?