Josephine was over-possessive of her boyfriend. He often complained that she was clingy. If they argued or disagreed about something, she would get mad and violent and sometimes very abusive.
In Fred’s mind: “she interpreted disagreement of opinion as rejection and not being loved. I know she comes from a family background where she had no parental care, she tussled it on her own from a young age. This affected the way she related with her boyfriends. Her relationships never lasted more than six months. I think ours has lasted about two. It is because I understood that bit about her (that she has insecure attachment) so most times I see her “madness” as her inner child's cry for attention and love. I assure her that I love her and that calms her down.”
Attachment styles in children refer to the ways children form emotional bonds with their caregivers, based on the consistency and quality of care they receive.
These styles were first identified in Mary Ainsworth’s Strange Situation experiment and are based on attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby. The four main attachment styles in children include:
Secure attachment
The child feels safe and confident that their caregiver will respond to their needs. They explore freely when the caregiver is present but seek comfort from them when distressed. Usually results from consistent, responsive, and loving caregiving. Later in life, these children tend to have healthy relationships and good emotional regulation.
Avoidant (insecure) attachment
The child may appear independent and emotionally distant. They do not seek much comfort from their caregiver and may even avoid them after separation. Often develops when caregivers are emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or rejecting. These children may struggle with emotional intimacy in later relationships.
Ambivalent/anxious (insecure) attachment
The child is highly distressed when separated from the caregiver and is difficult to soothe upon reunion. They may cling to their caregiver but also show resistance (e.g., pushing them away). Often results from inconsistent caregiving, where responses to the child's needs are unpredictable. As adults, they may struggle with anxiety in relationships and fear abandonment.
Disorganised Attachment
The child shows confused or contradictory behaviours (for example, approaching but also fearing the caregiver). They may freeze, withdraw, or display fearful reactions. Often occurs in situations of abuse, neglect, or trauma, where the caregiver is both a source of comfort and fear. In adulthood, this may lead to difficulties with trust, emotional regulation, and mental health issues.
Why the attachment styles
Attachment styles shape emotional development, self-esteem, and relationships later in life. While early experiences play a big role, attachment styles can change over time with supportive relationships, therapy, or self-awareness.
Helping a child develop a secure attachment style involves providing consistent, loving, and responsive caregiving. Here are keyways to support secure attachment:
Be responsive and attuned: Respond promptly to the child’s needs (such as hunger, discomfort, and fear). Comfort them when they are upset and celebrate their joys. Pay attention to their cues (such as facial expressions, body language) and respond appropriately.
Offer consistency and predictability: Maintain a routine for feeding, sleeping, and daily activities. Be emotionally present and reliable, so the child feels safe and secure. Avoid sudden, unpredictable changes in caregiving.
Encourage exploration while providing a safe base: Let the child explore their surroundings while ensuring they can return to you for reassurance. Support their curiosity and problem-solving efforts without over-controlling them. Be patient when they need extra reassurance in unfamiliar situations.
Show love: Use physical touch (hugs, cuddles, and holding hands) to reinforce safety and love. Make eye contact and use a warm, soothing voice when interacting. Praise and encourage their efforts rather than focusing only on achievements.
Help them regulate emotions: Validate their feelings by acknowledging them (For example, "I see you are upset, and that is okay"). Teach them coping skills such as deep breathing, naming emotions, and expressing feelings safely. Model calmness in stressful situations so they learn emotional regulation from you.
Foster secure relationships with multiple caregivers: If other caregivers (For instance, family members, house helps, and daycare workers) are involved, ensure they are warm and responsive too. Encourage healthy attachments with trusted adults to reinforce a sense of security.
Repair and reconnect after conflict: If you lose patience or make a mistake, acknowledge it and reconnect (For example, "I am sorry I got upset. I love you and am here for you"). Show them that relationships can withstand challenges, and that love is unconditional.
Avoid harsh punishment or neglect
Use discipline that teaches rather than punishment that destroys (Fir instance, explaining instead of yelling). Avoid ignoring their emotional needs, as this can lead to insecure attachment.
Encourage independence in a supportive way: Let them try things on their while you are being available for help if they need it. Praise their efforts, not just the outcome, to build confidence.
Seek help
If the child has experienced trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving, professional support (such as, therapy, and parenting classes) can help rebuild attachment security.
Why secure attachment matters
Building a secure attachment in infants (zero to12 months) and toddlers (one to three years) is all about consistent, responsive, and loving caregiving. Here’s how you can foster a strong bond:
For infants (0 to 12 Months)
Respond promptly to their needs. When your baby cries, attend to them quickly with soothing words, touch, and eye contact. Meeting their needs builds trust and helps them feel safe.
Use gentle, loving touch: Cuddle, hold, and rock your baby often. Skin-to-skin contact (especially in the early months) enhances bonding. Gentle massage can also promote relaxation and connection.
Make eye contact and talk to them: Babies recognise faces early on, so make warm eye contact while feeding, changing, or playing. Talk, sing, and respond to their coos to encourage interaction.
Create a consistent routine: Predictability helps babies feel secure. Keep a regular schedule for feeding, sleeping, and playtime. Use a calm bedtime routine (e.g., bath, lullaby, rocking) to signal safety and comfort.
Comfort them when they are distressed: If they are crying, pick them up and offer gentle reassurance (rocking, shushing, and patting). Avoid "cry-it-out" methods for young infants, as they rely on you for emotional regulation.
Play and engage in positive interactions: Simple games such as peekaboo and gentle tickling help babies learn that you are there for them. Mirror their facial expressions to show the connection.
