I know many of us are too old to believe in Santa Claus. But he believes in us. You better believe that. He’s even written his list, telling us who has been naughty and who has been nice in 2024. Yes, that’s right. Santa has been watching you and this is what his list says about you.
The nice list
Leader of the Opposition in Parliament
Before Mzee learnt Runyankole, you guys shared a first name. Then his name was corrupted by the locals, while yours stayed corruption-free. Well done. And I am not greeting you with that ‘well done’, by the way.
I am applauding you. Sure, they tried to debauch your good name by saying you have been amassing a small fortune. They even tried to make your role in parliament elective. I think they were hoping that you’d pay them off with the small fortune they accused you of having. So you could stay in your coveted parliamentary job. But when they saw that you didn’t have the money they said you stole, they decided against giving you a run for your money.
MP of Nyendo-Mukungwe municipality
You man, we like you so much. That is why we are always keeping you in the news. I know, you are often there for the wrong reasons. But bad news is better than no news. And no, we are not praising you so you can give us a taste on that Ka-service award you received. We have our money too. But if you think our service of keeping you in the news warrants some kind golden handshake, please count us in for some Ka-glitter. January is coming.
The Bad Man from Kamwokya
Frankly, you’re on the good list because Santa says that if he left you off it, the list would be kiwani. Many of us are looking for a new father of the nation. And we recall that you did that jam, Taata Wabana. Man, I mean bro, that was a jam. Do you have Juliana’s number by the way?
Gen Muntu
Santa and his fictional elves were emphatic on this point: you are a great man. So great that Santa believes that you should quit politics and succeed him. He often sees red when watching those NUP chaps dressed in his colours. But he is too old to battle such strapping young fellows.
How old is he you ask? He can be traced back to the third century, when St Nicholas was born in Patara, in modern-day Turkey, around 280 AD. This makes Santa approximately 1,744 years old today. So step aside Mzee, the real Mzee is in the house.
The naughty list
President of Uganda Law Society
There must be a Claus, I meant Clause in your service contract that asks for silence when it comes to body shamming. You have been taking way too many shots at a certain portly lawyer. You keep mentioning his seemingly invisible appendage, why? Hopefully the two of you can share a post-Christmas dinner together, without contravening our anti-homosexuality legislation.
Mzee, himself
And why not, we ask. We are the enemy newspaper. So we must do as enemies do by reminding Mzee that we actually love him. We are convinced that he loves us back, too.
Indeed, there is a thin line between love and hate. And he must hate the way he loves to hate us, when love is truly the answer. So Mzee, please show us some love and we shall remove you from this list; signed: Santa, the bearded brother who speaks facts to those who prefer fictions.
CDF
How are those X/Twitter edits going with Uncle Paulo? Remember he said, “Gen. I want to offer a service to you. I want to start editing your Twitter account.” That was at one of your many parties. I think he needs to do his job or wind up on Santa’s naughty list next year. Up to now, we see no edits, at all. But maybe they are there and we are just blind. You know we love your tweets. And love is blind. However, we caution the bartender to edit the amount of “UG” that he serves you in 2025.
Disclaimer: This is a parody column
