Joint security chiefs dissect Tegulle column on Absalom

What you need to know:

  • A security task force called an impromptu meeting over the column while this writer was perched on the toilet seat and effectively downloading recyclable apps for NWSC. 

Gawaya Tegulle is a name you should pin on your living room wall. Even if you don’t like reading, just do it. 

Last week, this bloke wrote a classic piece that dwelt on the Old Testament life of King David and his family. He said King David was a leader who ruled into senility and that while at it, he was too busy to tend to his family, leaving his children to grow into all sorts of miscreants.

A security task force called an impromptu meeting over the column while this writer was perched on the toilet seat and effectively downloading recyclable apps for NWSC. 

Now, I still don’t understand why the head conjures up so many things once we are on that white ceramic. Maybe we need more pits rather than that bowel because most humans don’t squat long enough to attend a security meeting like was happening.

Anyway, the meeting sought to break down what the officers said were innuendos in Tegulle’s column that could amount to disturbing the peace of…

A fly on the wall of the toilet bowel reported verbatim.

AIGP MO: But who is this Tegulle guy?

Lt-Gen PE: Just one of those lawyers who find relevance in spewing garbage in the bad paper. Last I heard, he had attempted to join Parliament representing a funny constituency called Ike Ike or something.

Brig FN: So he found solace in the bad paper?

Col MN: And this line, the fifth para, he says Amnon and calls him ‘stupid’ and that he raped his sister.

AIGP MO: Tegulle is obviously in league with the Kakwenza guy. That line is evidence that he took part in writing that obnoxious book whose title I can’t even bring myself to mention here.

Maj Gen AD: The whole blasphemy stinks really badly.

ASP FE: I thought the worst I was enduring was receiving calls from useless fathers after schools reopened.

Lt Gen PE: What about that now? Is this school nonsense of yours more important than finding out who Tegulle has slandered?

ASP FE: No, Sir! I was simply… anyway, the first one had forgotten to pick his kid from school because it had been so long since. The second picked the wrong kid and blamed the mask the kid was wearing for his failure to identify his real kid. Then another simply went to the wrong school only that it was no longer a school but a poultry farm!

Col MN: You should have locked those parents up and then forgotten the key in a leaking boat somewhere near Kalangala.

Brig FN: So is it confirmed that this Tegulle guy is a lawyer?

ASP FE: Yes, Sir! That’s a fact.

Brig FN: I see… and that’s the problem with this country. Everyone wants to be a lawyer. You find 10,000 failing LDC exams each month and then you still find every clown passing around as a lawyer. We’ve more lawyers than Generals yet Generals run the country. Then to survive, these suited urchins incite the unsuspecting masses to commit crimes knowing that this way they get more clients.

Lt Gen PE: So true. We can’t even pluck a few fingernails of the criminals they create. They always run to court for this written herbal corporal whatever…

Maj Gen AK:  Habeas corpus

Lt Gen PE: Yes, herbal corpus. The judges give them that corpus and then we are forced to handover the criminals before they have even defecated the nails we hammer inside them. 

A phone trills on the table. It is for Brig Gen PC. Until now, he has said nothing. He had been tapping his index finger on the table pensively. Seeing the screen, he immediately stood stiff and walked out mechanically to answer the call. 

Gen WB: Absalom, Absalom… what is Tegulle insinuating here?

“I wish we could have him tell us in person,” the returning Brig Gen PC said.

Lt Gen PE: The problem is now everyone thinks he’s a poet, satirist or whatever. They try to camouflage their blasphemy by changing names and scenarios while undermining the foundation of this country.

AIGP MO: So between Absalom and Amnon in this Tegulle garbage, which one should we be focusing on?

There was another trill and Brig Gen PC stiffened again.

Gen WB: Let’s take a short break during which each one of us must read this garbage again. This Tegulle says Absalom did not rule Israel… we shall see. Gasiya kabisa!

Lt Gen PE:  The problem is now everyone thinks he’s a poet, satirist or whatever. They try to camouflage their blasphemy by changing names and scenarios while undermining the foundation of this country.

AIGP MO:  So between Absalom and Amnon in this Tegulle garbage, which one should we be focusing on?

Editor's note: This is a parody column.

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