Kenya polls: Western media can report on Weasel instead

What you need to know:

  • There were times when the Sandras of this world would jump in defence of their ManEvils and while Teta has endured it for a while – according chief war violence correspondent Daniella, at least she did not jump around like those who claim celebrity to justify barbarism.

Daniella might not be a journalist working with one of those Western media conglomerates but if you asked Weasel which of Al Jazeera and CNN has itchier penchant for reporting violence, he would answer “Daniella” without batting an eyelid.

And this has nothing to do with where the mother of Weasel’s brother Jose Chameleone’s children lives now. It’s down to the disappointment over lack of violence in the Kenyan elections.

Holed up in Nyamira, a place I chose because the name means something close to “my sister” in Alur, Jon, from this big international media, kept yapping about how sure his employers were about violence erupting post-election.

Fed up of his gobbledygook temerity, I put it to his face. It wasn’t easy but it worked because he was unabashedly pompous. His straightforward ego helped.

“So you’ll only cover this election if there is blood on the streets?” I posed.

“To be honest, violence sells. Besides, how else can we cover Africa without the bad?” Jon replied as he reached for another stick of cigarettes.

“Then you should have stayed in Ukraine.”

“Ah, that one is now stale. It’s like thic cigarette… once you puff to the filter, you discard it. The filter can continue to burn but it can’t help even the most starved smoker.”

“I guess you have only your cigarettes and its filters to sort here. Perhaps you send a breaking news that says ‘only cigarettes going down in Kenya as voters are happy.’”

“Hmm! There will be violence here. I can feel it. It’s coming. Just wait and see.”

“I can take you to a place with violence.”

Jon suddenly shot up. He asked if I had heard of a tip and kept it away from him.

“You locals have better…” he started to say when I cut him short.

“There is this guy called Weasel Manizo but a cartoonist says he is actually Weasel Man-Evil. According to his sister-in-law, this Weasel guy beats his wife so much you would think it would earn golden votes that quickly ends the tight race in this Kenyan election,” I said.

The chain-smoker licked the filter of the stick he had just jabbed into his mouth and pulled it out. He looked at me like I had just declared that Wajackoyah was being ordained by the pope.

“Is that also an election?” he asked.

The chilly costly wind wafted with the innocence of his question. Playing along, I suggested that it was violence in an election with R. He did not click it. And somehow I was relieved. But not my mind. The mind was far back home with Daniella, Sandra and Manizo.

There were times when the Sandras of this world would jump in defence of their ManEvils and while Teta has endured it for a while – according chief war violence correspondent Daniella, at least she did not jump around like those who claim celebrity to justify barbarism.

There were times when many groups would have ganged up against Manizo but there is today, with hardly a voice backing Daniella’s. In fact, the grim reality of domestic violence has been so bad that days after Daniella’s brave Pulitzer-winning reporting, a chap called Muhangi was lining up the suspected wife flogger for his comedy show.

Now, it is as well Jon did not get my joke on ManEvil but you should all be worried for that time when peaceful election in Africa becomes so common that Wazungu run so bored they send reporters to cover wife beaters in Africa.

That day might not be so far from now. If the Jons of the media keep coming and only have their cigarette filters to stub home, they could soon find themselves in a boredom stupor that compels them to at least file one bloody story.

“Ugandan government to reward domestic violence,” will scream a headline in the UK’s best selling thing. And the kicker: “Government in Amin and Cheptegei country argues that bruising women will make their skin look light thus reducing the need for bleaching chemicals.”

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