The Deputy Speaker’s recent trip to the United Kingdom saw him meet Sir Alexander Chapman Ferguson and several other Manchester United legends. Many Ugandans online were livid, claiming that the Deputy Speaker used taxpayers' money for the trip.
So they have decided to give the Deputy Speaker Ferguson’s "hairdryer treatment". This treatment consists of Ferguson pressing his face unromantically close to yours before he emits a torrent of abuse. David Beckham said: "The fear of getting the hairdryer was the reason why we all played so well. He was a manager you wanted to do well for."
The Hairdryer Treatment was so effective that even if you didn’t have hair, it would be treated. And if you didn’t have the treatment, you’d end up in a hairy situation (by losing). However, the Ugandan fans skewering the Deputy Speaker were not so effective.
They had hoped that the treatment would give the Deputy Speaker the kind of hair care that would lead to a fade (haircut). So he could fade away and leave taxpayers’ cash alone. But the Deputy Speaker is not going anywhere.
In Ruhinda, where he’s from, they’ve never heard of a Taper Fade, Low Fade, Mid Fade, High Fade or Scissor Fade. What they know is that FDC was once a hit in their area, and then it began to fade. As a result, when it came to the NRM; the Deputy Speaker was no longer a Doubting Thomas.
Ferguson reportedly told the Deputy Speaker about "squeaky bum time". It’s an expression he coined in March 2003 as his Manchester United team clawed back the lead from rivals Arsenal in a knock-down-drag-out finale. It was an all-out war.
Now the expression “squeaky bum time” belongs to the Collins English dictionary with the definition "the tense final stages of a league competition, especially from the point of view of the leaders". Wikipedia notes the act of "squirming or moving forward and back in one's seat while watching an exciting sporting event".
In brief, it’s crunch time and the Deputy Speaker knows all about that since he has eaten big in this government. The eating spree began when he was Chief Whip, that’s when he reportedly started growing in waist and taste.
His neighbours saw the change and also registered their own as they started to treat him differently. There would be more smiles wherever he went and frowns where he stopped going. His Rolex guy also started calling him “Champion”, while slipping more tomatoes and cabbages into his chapatti.
The once-obscure legislator became the toast of the town, always as calm as the sunset. Except that time in 2020, when he was alleged to have assaulted a Umeme contractor as he disconnected the MP from a transmission line on which he had allegedly connected illegally.
In a shocking video shared online, the MP is seen questioning the man who had disconnected his power. He orders the man to lie down, faster-faster. The gentleman is then seen being beaten with 10 strokes of the cane.
According to sources close to the Deputy Speaker, he was honouring Ferguson with those strokes. As you know, Ferguson won manager of the year 10 times with Manchester United, and manager of the month 27 times. Ferguson reliably informed the Deputy Speaker that the latter was not in tribute to the NRA’s 27 guns.
Anyway, the MP did not seem like a cynical climber, manoeuvring political heights in pursuit of boundless power. Instead, his ascent to the deputy speakership revealed an intelligent lawmaker.
Now his visit to Manchester United is a sign that he supports political reconciliation. That’s because if he can visit the Red Devils, as Manchester United’s team is also called, he no longer has to visit trauma on the red men who bedevil our political system.
In fact, thanks to NUP being the real Red Devils of Ugandan politics, the Deputy Speaker is going to give them "Fergie time"- an extra helping of added time when Sir Alex Ferguson's Manchester United team was losing. This would give NUP more time, to be beaten up more.
