Satire: European MPs should ‘come down’ and live our drone experience

Cowards ‘leave’ longer, said a friend. This kept ringing in my head as I sat down to punch the keyboard for this column a few minutes after a drone had zoomed past as I walked the dog. The dreaded thing parked outside a home some 20 metres away. A military officer lives there.

Back inside, I started writing. “Shallow European MPs should come down,” I punched. Then I deleted it all. While I cannot understand why people insist on using ‘leave’ for ‘live’ when indicating cowardice, the drone made me too afraid to start asking those “little girls” in the European parliament to come down. 
Yes, the EU chaps should calm down as much as they should come down. 

Most people who will tell you with the seriousness of a post-surgery fart “that woman is so jealousy” are likely to also tell you to “come down” when you are upset. Grammar Nazis often tie their intestines into a knot as such.

Calm down is used when someone is upset and needs to be calm. Come down is used to get someone to come to you. But there is an exception: the “shallow, egocentric and so wrong” small girls in Europe who are excited about “broadcasting their ignorance all over the place” need to come down more than they can calm down.

Wait. The drone has been reversed a little toward my muzigo. I can see it through the window. I am just not sure if this was done to let the Afande’s green pick-up through or because these chaps have sensed I am writing this.

The thing is, I’m all in favour of drones. If we can bring those shallow people here, they will fly Uganda Airlines and see for themselves that the flying bird is doing wonders. And from taking selfies with the special girls in Entebbe, they can be tacked into the drones and taken to the cows whose horns are longer than my friend Kakwenza’s legs.

A tour of that Kisozi farm would help them understand how agriculture is on another planet here. After all the social media misinformation that posho is now 4k a kilo and sugar at 6k, just seeing Kisozi will reassure the egocentric lot that things are just fine in this corner of the planet.

From what I have heard, everyone who enters the drone comes out either singing praises of the system or talking less than they did before that experience. The little girls in Europe will be no exception here.

From Kisozi, we can drive them to Rwakitura where three photogenic cows are always handy to pose for great shots after we have loudly slurped tea and played cards with younglings. 

These cows are so good at their game that the other day a one Ash-bag Cattle loudly dreamt at the break of the day that he had been promised one for accepting that the sun rises from the east and that some vagabonds in Kamwokya had misled him to believe it rises from Masaka.

Then we shall drive the EU chaps to Kampala and ask them to hold a joint press conference with OO at the Uganda Media Centre telling the world what they saw. Yes, I know some of you will be on Twitter alleging that the visitors have gone missing for several days after being seen forced into drones but now they will tell the truth about how they walked into the drones smiling and liked every bit of the trip.

Then they will tell the world that the environmental impact assessment on our oil pipeline was just nonsense.
“Queen Elizabeth National Park is just stupendous, the eighth wonder of the world. Those spotted animals, wow! From there, we could see the pipeline snaking like the River Nile and we can tell that the oil will flow like the White Nile waters,” the head of the delegation will say.

The drone outside had left but now it has returned. It’s parked facing my window. I’ll stop here.