Satire: It’s your problem if you don’t understand this

Something happened this week. I wanted to write about a singer who reportedly said that some pervert attempted to do something indecent with her in her car. It looked appealing as the storyline flooded my Obligato before I reminded myself that Obligato is actually oblongata.

Almost immediately, I realised that to write about the vixen would invite writing about the man some vagabond convicted on social media of being that alleged pervert. 

That would mean annoying two people who are either very famous or well connected. Powerful. As someone from Pakwach who was born in Kasese, caution flows in my veins. I felt it was better to write about this international popstar who has been flaunting her bulge by not covering it so that everyone sees she is pregnant.

Yes, according to the news, the pop star has popped a tot. The Pakwach in my head told the Kasese in my legs that it was a good thing. 

“How?” the Kakira in my hustle popped in uninvited. 

Annoyingly, the Kakira bit said the ‘how’ in a way it sounded like ‘aw’ – as if he was speaking in a French beginners class. Lucky for the Kakira in me, the Pakwach side of life is gentle so he explained.

“The world is now saved from the regular image of a vixen moving around with her bulge naked like she was carrying all our blessings in his womb,” he said.

“She has been behaving like she invented pregnancy so she wanted to make even the North Korean guys who don’t care how long a coiled pig’s tail in America is, took special notice of her pregnancy.”

“But who are you talking about?” the Kakira thing popped in again.

This time he was successfully ignored. He tried to protest by saying we should be more open with words. 

“It’s your problem if you don’t understand this,” said the Kilembe guy, shutting up the Kakira one for good.

The thing is simple, thanks to a good lesson from a cartoonist. You can go around tackling democracy and human rights, floss with freedom of speech and expression stuff but none of these will buy a kilo of cassava flour for your family. The cartoonist decided to simply pick works of other cartoonists all over the world, edit a few things and append his signature.

What happened next was pure gold. A General commended his cartoons while social media went into condemnation hysteria. Soon the cartoonist will be able to afford ‘kawunga na maragwe’ while those who are calling him a content creation thief will be wondering why up to now bleaching cosmetics aren’t being advertised on national TVs.

I wanted to say here that Uganda has sunk so low that even cartoons are plagiarised for a living now but that could invite a sobering litigation when a few chaps read it as an insult to their profession.

The word count in this MS Word document says I’ve hit the mark for this column and what better thing to be able to do than go around annoying people who have enough powers to fart dust?

In the meantime, I am writing a petition asking the UN to ensure that the international pop star who recently invented pregnancy does not call a news conference to speak about the pain of giving birth.