Satire: One day, Otafiire was born, said the man himself

Gen Kahinda Otafiire once choked back laughter as he told us to get down on with his biography. He said to put there three things. One, that one day Otafiire was born. Two, that one day Otafiire will die. And three, that just like you will also die.
Then, laughing out loud, he added: “If the book doesn’t sell, you call me again and we shall talk.”
There is a reason Dr Kizza Besigye has not published a book about his life and the Bush War memory. If he came out with a book, he would have to tell it all and that would expose many from the Luweero days to the recent history of the country.
But if there is one public figure whose biography many Ugandans would love to read, it is Otafiire. The man is quite some character. And for the media, a joy to record or quote.

Over the years, journalists have grown so fond of his abrasive responses that Otafiire is sought whenever there are social issues that need voices. And this World Cup in Qatar would have accorded him one search.
This is the time to ask him what he thinks of Ronaldo and Messi and who would win the World Cup. Of course, just about anyone can live in Otafiire’s head rent-free.
“Now who is Ronaldo and why do you think Otafiire would even suggest that the Ronaldo guy is messy?” he asked as I made things up and reminded him that it wasn’t messy but Messi, an Argentina legend.
“Okay, is Maradona’s son?” he got back.
Then, remembering the question on who would win the World Cup, he fired ahead.

“By the way, you are speaking to Gen Kahinda Otafiire and when I checked again and again, there is no Patel Raju in my name. Why do you think I would indulge in such talks about who will win whatever?
“I keep wondering what our problem really is as people of this country. Everyone is convinced the economy is bad and crying about the price of sugar but then they spend all the time in between whining about the economy and sleeping on talking about a guy who is supposedly messing with Ronaldo. I don’t even know what Ronaldo is. Gasiya kabisa!”
Now, I’ve been asking myself why, of all things and people, I would go around parodying Otafiire at this time. The thing is, the man is irresistible and he probably wouldn’t care anyway. Other chaps, I am told, would be making cuttings and sending to lawyers to ask if there is a ground to pursue a case over being mentioned in the paper.

Meanwhile, I have been counting the words. It’s just about there. The economy is bad and that translates to what people like us can write about. If you can put up a 600-word column without offending even a strand of hair the tail of a horse, you are good to go.
However, just because I have written a few things about Gen Otafiire and then in the same space cited a horse does not mean I am implying that our good minister is also that animal. If you have read this far and not yawned, congratulations – in your next life you will be a grass surveyor tasked with watching grass grow.

This is a parody column